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What No One Tells You About Divorce: Even More Things I Wish I Knew Before My Divorce

Divorce can be a bit like a special club that you never anticipated having access to. That time before divorce is confusing, hurtful, and a host of other emotions. Once you’re on the other side, you truly can see clearly again.

So, if you’re in the fog and not sure what to expect, you’re not alone. Trust me, even with the best of advice and resources, every person who’s going through a divorce is unique and has some level of anxiety about it.

While I don’t recommend listening to just any old advice about divorce, I do recommend seeking out people who have experience with it to guide you, both when speaking candidly with others and when seeking expert support (like a mediator, financial advisor, and so on).

As such, I asked a group of divorced and soon-to-be divorced women, “What do you wish you knew before your divorce?” I got so many responses, I couldn’t fit them into one (or even two!) blog posts! 

(Both of my previous posts...

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Guest Blog Post: Divorce Coaching is Not Just For the Rich and Famous

“Divorce coaching, is that something I really need, and is it worth the expense?” asked a mom in a Facebook group I joined several months ago.

The group moderator, a divorced mom who is not a divorce professional and who never worked with a divorce coach, answered.  “Divorce coaches are only for high conflict high net worth cases”. In her opinion, divorce coaches are:

  • A waste of precious resources 
  • People with no professional divorce experience 
  • A luxury reserved for the rich and famous 

Feeling overwhelmed by emotion (something I warn my clients about daily),  I could not remain silent. Offering to chat with anyone who wanted to learn more about divorce coaching. I explained that a divorce coach

  • is not just for those with a lot of money,
  • is not just for people in very high conflict cases, and 
  • is not always someone without professional qualifications.

In my haste to set the record straight, I overstepped a boundary. ...

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How to Thrive After Divorce: Cut Through The Noise And Prepare Well

I have worked with a lot of women and couples through the years as a divorce financial planner and mediator, and I truly believe that you can thrive after divorce. I have seen it first hand, both watching the people I’ve worked with and having been through it myself!

If there’s one thing that’s a common factor between all successful mediations and divorce cases, it’s this: you have to cut through the noise to reach your own internal guidance system and build up your confidence in yourself.

Before, during, and even after a divorce, we get so overwhelmed with input from so many places that we lose touch with our intuition. The reality is that no one knows what you’re going through except for you. There are people who are more trained and qualified to offer assistance, but only you know what’s right for you.

How do you cut through the noise to hear yourself again? These three tips will help you prepare yourself well so you can once more trust in...

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Resources for Your First Holiday After Divorce

Your first Christmas or holiday after your divorce is going to be different. I still remember my first Christmas. I struggled to keep my routines as close to “normal” as possible, especially for my then-toddler. It’s a special circle of emotions that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

So, my friend, if you’re going through this, I really feel for you right now. It will get better (I know, it doesn’t feel like it, but I will) and hopefully these resources for getting through your first holiday after divorce will help.

How to Have a Strong Mindset for your First Holiday After Divorce

Being kind to yourself can be so hard right now. Lots of “failures” are playing on repeat, so it’s easy to sit with that all day long and think that you yourself are one of them. I promise, you are not. If you need to show yourself some self-care right now, here are 4 ways to be kind to yourself when dealing with a breakup.

I turn to journaling when...

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21 Divorce Quotes to Help You During The Holidays

Your first set of holidays after your divorce will be weird, scary, and painful - but they’ll also be happy, joyful, and unexpectedly fun if you let them. The key, I think, is to feel your feelings. It’s okay if you’re having a day that isn’t holly and jolly. It’s alright if you sit down to write in your gratitude journal and struggle to come up with anything aside from Well, I changed out of my PJs today.

I don’t mean to downplay the feelings you may be going through right now as you approach your first holiday after divorce. It is one of the most traumatic events you can go through in your adult life. Here are 21 quotes to remind yourself that you are loved, you are brilliant, and you will move through this season with your head up and deep breaths in your lungs.

 

“Your dream doesn’t have an expiration date. Take a deep breath and try again.” — KT Witten

 

“Letting go doesn’t mean that you...

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Divorce and Open Enrollment: What You Need to Know

You might already be familiar with open enrollment, but let’s take a moment to talk about what it really means in the context of divorce and life changes, since those things will make an impact on how you select insurance plans during this period! 

While the timing of open enrollment can vary with different employers, open enrollment is generally the period between November and mid-December where you are able to make changes to your health insurance plans. During this period, you can choose to renew your participation in your company's current insurance plans, switch to a different one, or drop your existing plan.

Because of the flexibility in choosing next year’s coverage, this is a good time to take a step back and take a look at where your employee benefits fit into everything else you’re doing. There could be connections you’re missing, or not aware of, that may save you money (or cost you big) over the course of the next year. Here are a few things...

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Does my state have alimony?

While divorce ends a marriage, the financial relationship between you and your ex does not just end. Whether you are dealing with child support or alimony, the financial relationship can go on for many years, and in some cases, may be permanent. 

In many marriages, one spouse earns more than the other. In case of a divorce, the earning discrepancy means the financially stable partner needs to provide financial support to enable their ex-spouse to establish a new post-divorce life. What exactly is alimony?

Understanding Alimony

Spousal support or alimony is financial assistance available only to legally married spouses seeking a divorce. It is a partner's contribution that ensures their ex-spouse or recipient achieves their financial independence after divorce.  

While spousal maintenance or support may seem like a straightforward affair, it's covered by different laws, with each state having different provisions.

Spousal support starts during a legal divorce or...

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5 Divorce Myths to Stop Believing (And What to Know Instead)

When going through a divorce, you hear a lot of myths. Unfortunately, because you may be hearing the same ones repeated from a few sources, it can seem like they’re more truth than myth. These proclamations of how things “always are” or “never are” can be terribly scary, too. In a time when you’re already going through a lot, you don’t need more stress on your plate.

These five divorce myths have been cropping up a lot between some of my clients, so I wanted to take a moment to play Divorce MythBusters and talk through why these are myths and the truth of the situation instead.

Divorce Myth #1: I pay for an attorney, I don’t need specialized financial support.

The Truth: It will save you time and money to hire a professional who is specialized in divorce-related financial issues.

One of the biggest issues I see most often comes from attorneys who aren’t family law attorneys. Similarly, there’s false information given from...

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How I Can Help You Navigate Financial Decisions During a Divorce

The other day, I was speaking with someone and a lot of emotions around the financial decisions of her divorce came up. There was a lot of fear, uncertainty, and a deep desire to “do it right.” What’s more, her soon-to-be ex-husband managed the money while she stayed at home with their children, so she’s uncomfortable making financial decisions for herself now.

She’s researched, but it’s left her even more confused. Where does she start? What’s important? Can she stay in her house? She doesn’t want the process to be litigious, but she wants to feel confident that she’s making the right decisions and doing the right thing.

I see that with a lot of couples who come to me. One person has managed the money throughout the life of the relationship and then, when a divorce or dissolution happens, the other partner has to quickly learn a lot of information to make big financial decisions.

There’s a lot of late nights spent...

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5 (More) Things I Wish I Knew Before My Divorce

The time before your divorce is full of anticipation. It’s also full of lots of questions and uncertainty. If you’re anything like me, I wasn’t sure where to turn to find answers. The reality is that everyone’s experience is unique, although the general themes of what to prepare and what you should know before your divorce is fairly similar.

Earlier this year, I posted this question to a group of divorced and soon-to-be divorced people. I asked, “What do you wish you knew before your divorce?” I got so many responses, I couldn’t fit them into one blog post! (The first post here is full of information about health and other insurance, the process, and few other questions.) So, this second post is a companion to that one to prepare you even more for what a divorce may bring.

How to Handle College Tuition

The issue of higher education expenses varies greatly from family to family. In addition, college tuition varies by state. Often,...

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