How to Prepare for Your First Divorce Coaching Session

Congratulations on setting up your first session with a divorce coach!  That took some courage—many people never even acknowledge that they could use some help to get through this very challenging time and needlessly suffer in silence. You, however, took steps to actually do something about it. Now an appointment is on the calendar and the date is fast approaching.   How do you prepare for this?  What can you expect?

Nervous is Normal

You might be noticing some feelings of nervousness as your appointment gets nearer.  This is totally normal.  You may start to wonder what you’re going to talk about.  What if there are long stretches of silence? You might think, “What if this coach judges me and my situation?  Maybe I can do this on my own after all, I don’t need help. Wait, yes I do, who am I kidding?”

All these questions and feelings of anxiety are normal.  You don’t have to have anything figured out right now.  There is no judgement in a coaching session. Your coach probably won’t even be surprised by anything you share in the session. Showing up despite these feelings is a brave and productive first step.

Getting Clear on what Divorce Coaching Is—and Isn’t

Let’s start with what divorce coaching isn’t.  It is not therapy, looking back on the past to understand the present.  It is not about legal advice.  It is also not about telling you what to do. You have plenty of people doing that already. 

Divorce Coaching is a collaboration between you and the coach that empowers your decision-making so that you can move forward. The coach is an objective partner no matter where you are in the divorce process. Maybe you are in the very beginning stages and could use some help in clarifying whether you want to proceed with a divorce.  Maybe you could use some help in deciding what process would work best in dissolving your marriage.

Perhaps you are “in the thick of the ick” and are overwhelmed by all the paperwork, deadlines, and headaches that accompany this stage of the divorce process.  Maybe you are having a hard time communicating with your spouse regarding the children’s needs, your needs, or are making no headway towards an agreement. You simply want this to end but see no end in sight.

Conversely, maybe the ink has dried on the final divorce agreement, but you are now left wondering what you can salvage from the ashes.  How will you move forward into a life where you not only survive, but thrive? 

Many clients are overwhelmed with all that divorce entails, as well as having to deal with all the emotions that go along with it. A divorce coach can help you process and manage your feelings.

Many times clients need all the emotional support they can get. Some clients need help in figuring out how to work most efficiently and effectively with their attorney or mediator—this can really cut down on the legal bills!  Managing conflict will also keep the legal bills down, as well as pave the way for a smoother transition from being a married couple to being co-parents (if children are involved).  Learning to communicate effectively with your ex also goes a long way in keeping the conflict from damaging kids. 

Divorce coaching offers a partnership to help you navigate all the above, with clarity and confidence.  It will also help save you money on your overall divorce expenses by teaching ways to work efficiently with other divorce professionals, since time is money.  It’s a win-win!

What to Expect from the First Coaching Session

The time has arrived—your first session with your divorce coach. If you are nervous about how this will go, knowing what to expect can take that down a notch.

There will be a warm welcome and some conversation about how things are going, what has brought you to coaching at this time.  You may do an exercise on clarifying your values, so that you will be making decisions aligned with these values. The coach will then ask you what other matters are on your mind right now. 

The coach will spend a little bit of time making sure they understand your concerns, then will ask you what you would like to focus on for the session, and what takeaway you would like to have at the end of the session.  This is to make sure both of you are clear as to what will be of value to you that will help you to move forward.

Once that is established, the coach will dive into the matter at hand with you.  Depending on what you need, this could include a wide variety of interactions.  Do you need to talk about feeling overwhelmed?  What next steps do you need to take this week to meet a deadline from the lawyer?  Maybe you need help developing a script to tell the kids about the divorce, and then practice in a roleplay with the coach until it feels more comfortable coming out of your mouth.  The conversation will be focused on what you want to talk about, and the coach’s role is to keep centered on what your takeaway will be. Your coach will ask powerful questions that allow you to move forward.  While there may be some educational aspect to subjects you choose to explore, the coach is not there to tell you what to do, and will not make decisions for you.  You are in the driver’s seat.  This is very empowering.

Towards the end of the session, your coach will ask you if you think you achieved your focus and have the takeaway that you wanted. You may get a homework assignment.  The coach will then ask you for your next steps, and when you will complete them. This builds accountability into the sessions and helps you to move forward.

A Few Tips Before Meeting Your Divorce Coach

You can prepare for your first meeting by spending some time on questions like:

• What do I hope to gain from coaching?
• What are my biggest fears right now?
• What kind of support do I need?

Beyond that, bring openness, curiosity, and honesty to your first session.  You now have a coach on your side that will help you find your way to something better.  You are not alone!

Liesel Darby is an ADR Certified Divorce Coach.  She brings empathy, structure, and objectivity to her clients to help them get through “the thick of the ick” and create a life where they can thrive.  You can contact her to set up an information call to see if divorce coaching is right for you.

👉 Schedule a complimentary call with Liesel