Talking to Your Family Members at the Holidays About Your Divorce

Decide what you are going to say about your divorce before the subject comes up at the table, and keep it short. You do not owe anyone a full account. Ask family to stay out of the parts that are not theirs: picking sides, giving legal or financial advice, shaming your ex, criticizing your settlement, discussing it with your children, or fighting on your behalf.

Telling parents about divorce can be hard enough. I have seen the tension in a divorce increase too many times as a result of meddling family members or friends. During the holidays we tend to interact with family and friends more than we do all year, so there is more opportunity for meddling than there usually is.

From my professional experience, it is hard to watch when a couple has committed to handling their settlement in a mature and respectful way, but someone gets in one of their ears and tears the whole thing apart.

When I sit down with clients who are going through mediation, I always encourage them to keep the conversations that happen in mediation in the mediation room. When you are emotional, you may want to vent to a friend or a family member. Divorce is a difficult process for everyone involved, and a meddling family member can make it more complicated still.

A good alternative to venting to friends and family is joining a divorce support group.

Related post: How to Ask Your Spouse to Mediate Your Divorce

If you are dealing with meddling family members during your divorce, consider asking them to refrain from:

1. Picking sides.

One of the most common ways people meddle in a divorce is by choosing sides. It might look like support, but nobody ever knows the full story behind a relationship breakdown. Family members who choose sides in a divorce complicate the process significantly. Their involvement creates additional tension, prevents open communication, and can delay resolutions that would otherwise bring closure. Taking sides fuels conflict and makes it harder for the couple to work toward a settlement, prolonging an already difficult situation for everyone.

2. Giving unsolicited advice.

Family members usually mean well when they share advice during your divorce. Their intentions come from care and concern, but unless they have professional experience working with divorcing couples, their advice may not be accurate or helpful. Relying on the wrong advice can lead to serious legal or financial complications, such as misunderstandings about property division, custody arrangements, or your rights. It is always best to consult a qualified professional so you are making informed decisions.

3. Shaming your ex.

Divorce is messy enough without having to handle your ex being publicly shamed. Hurting your ex only creates more anger, resentment, and revenge. Discourage your family members from gossiping about your ex or your divorce.

Family can offer support without hurting the other side. That encourages a quicker and more successful resolution.

4. Criticizing the divorce settlement agreement.

Your family may believe they are being supportive by pointing out flaws in the agreement, but their involvement often creates more problems than solutions. Their opinions, while well meant, add stress and confusion during an already challenging time. Have an open conversation and kindly ask them not to interfere with your settlement. It is a personal decision that you need to navigate on your own terms. Encourage them to offer support and understanding instead, which makes a real difference in helping you move forward.

5. Discussing your divorce with your kids.

If your divorce involves children, you do not want family members making them feel worse about the transition or confusing them. Make sure your family understands that you and your ex will be the only ones to discuss the divorce with your children.

Related post: Helping Kids Through Divorce

Children are vulnerable and often have difficulty handling a divorce. They make easy targets for meddling family members who want information from them. Family can also plant ideas in children's heads and make them worry about things unnecessarily.

Establish clear guidelines with your family regarding your kids during the divorce. They need to understand that you are in charge and will discuss the necessary topics at your own pace. Your kids should not be placed in the center of the divorce or used to gather information.

Remind your family members to refrain from saying negative things about your ex to the children.

6. Fighting with your ex.

An argument or a fight with your ex can have lasting consequences and may create further legal challenges. Your family may be trying to protect you, but starting fights with your ex is a bad idea. At the extreme, physical altercations lead to court or jail, and the emotional damage lasts even longer.

Your divorce does not have to suffer from outside meddling. You can take control over how you communicate about your divorce.

Related post: 7 Tips for Social Media During Your Divorce

Deciding what to say before you arrive

The practical version of all this is to decide in advance. Work out how much you are willing to share, and with whom, before you are sitting at the table with a plate in front of you. It is fair to assume that whatever you say will find its way back to your ex, which is a useful filter for how you say it.

Short answers are complete answers. “We are working through it and I would rather not get into the details today” ends the subject without a scene. If holding that line is the harder part, holiday boundaries after divorce covers how to do it and what to say when someone pushes.

My personal experience

I was very fortunate in my divorce. My ex and I both maintained a high level of respect for each other's privacy throughout the process. My mom and I are very close, and she helps quite a bit with my children. I would never know if she had a negative or critical thing to say, because all she ever showed me was unconditional support. I wish everyone could have that experience with their family.

Frequently asked questions

What should I tell my family about my divorce at the holidays?

As much as you want to and no more. Decide before you arrive, keep it brief, and remember that anything you say will likely reach your ex. A short answer is not rude, and you do not owe anyone a full account at the dinner table.

How do I stop family members from taking sides?

Ask them directly and early, before the season rather than during an argument. Most people who take sides think they are being supportive. Naming what support actually looks like for you, and what it does not, tends to work better than correcting them afterward.

What if a family member badmouths my ex in front of my kids?

Address it privately with the adult, not in front of the children, and be specific about the rule: you and your co-parent are the only ones who discuss the divorce with them. Repeat as needed. This is one worth being unbending about.

Should I vent to my family about my divorce?

Vent somewhere it will not cost you. A support group, a divorce coach, or a friend outside the family system can hold it without acting on it. Family members frequently act on what you tell them, often at the worst moment.

What if my family keeps asking questions I do not want to answer?

Have one sentence ready and reuse it. Repetition does the work that explanation does not. You are allowed to change the subject, step outside, or leave early.

If the finances are the part keeping you up

If you need assistance with your financial settlement agreement, schedule a Financial Consultation. It will leave you feeling empowered to make wise financial decisions.

More on the holidays after divorce:

• Divorce and the holidays: a survival guide
• Your first Christmas after divorce
• Holiday boundaries: protecting your peace
• Financial self-care during the holidays
• 22 divorce quotes for the holidays

Last reviewed: September 2026