When going through a divorce, you hear a lot of myths. Unfortunately, because you may be hearing the same ones repeated from a few sources, it can seem like they’re more truth than myth. These proclamations of how things “always are” or “never are” can be terribly scary, too. In a time when you’re already going through a lot, you don’t need more stress on your plate.
These five divorce myths have been cropping up a lot between some of my clients, so I wanted to take a moment to play Divorce MythBusters and talk through why these are myths and the truth of the situation instead.
The Truth: It will save you time and money to hire a professional who is specialized in divorce-related financial issues.
One of the biggest issues I see most often comes from attorneys who aren’t family law attorneys. Similarly, there’s false information given from...
The other day, I was speaking with someone and a lot of emotions around the financial decisions of her divorce came up. There was a lot of fear, uncertainty, and a deep desire to “do it right.” What’s more, her soon-to-be ex-husband managed the money while she stayed at home with their children, so she’s uncomfortable making financial decisions for herself now.
She’s researched, but it’s left her even more confused. Where does she start? What’s important? Can she stay in her house? She doesn’t want the process to be litigious, but she wants to feel confident that she’s making the right decisions and doing the right thing.
I see that with a lot of couples who come to me. One person has managed the money throughout the life of the relationship and then, when a divorce or dissolution happens, the other partner has to quickly learn a lot of information to make big financial decisions.
There’s a lot of late nights spent...
There are few people in the world who can truly say that they love paperwork. Unfortunately, the whole divorce process creates an abundance of it, and if you aren’t organized, it can really cost you a lot of money. That’s on top of the stress and anxiety that could appear when you can’t find a particular document you need to send to your attorney or mediator. Trust me, that is the last thing you need while you’re going through a divorce!
The reality is that some people treat their divorce papers like they do their taxes. You can’t just put everything in a shoe box, drop it to your attorney or mediator, and let them figure it out. Well, you can, but that will cost you so much in billable hours. Instead, sit down with your divorce financial advisor, get yourself organized, and then bring it to your attorney or mediator.
In case you can’t tell, staying organized throughout the divorce process is beyond essential! Here are four simple ways you can...
Dealing with a breakup or divorce is one of the most stressful things you can go through. Worries weigh heavily on your heart, then you get angry, then incredibly sad - all within a matter of minutes. I know they certainly did when I was going through my divorce. One minute, I was fine; the next, I was beating myself up like my own worst enemy.
Going through these emotions is normal (although not incredibly productive) and you will start to feel the emotional waves lessen over time. As you are dealing with a breakup, here are five mindset shifts to adopt to help ease the emotional strain that you’re feeling right now.
When it feels like you have nothing else to lose, let it all go. Let go of the pain and hurt and “shoulda, woulda, coulda” that takes over. These negative emotions are like a lead balloon that keeps you tethered to trauma.
Shift your mindset to openness. The more you practice opening yourself to healing, your mind will...
by Laura Miolla, Certified Coach, Mediator and Parentology Coach
Infidelity is a LOADED word. You think you know what it means. You might know how it feels. You definitely don’t want it to happen to you. The very thought of it creates an immediate knee-jerk reaction of fear and anxiety. Like most people, you probably define infidelity as cheating … sexual relations outside of the marriage … and yet, that definition only scratches the surface of what infidelity REALLY is and how it can sabotage your marriage.
Infidelity is defined as “the action or state of being UNFAITHFUL to a spouse.” And there are THREE types of infidelity, not just one: Emotional, Physical and Financial.
Discernment counseling is a unique approach to helping couples decide what they should do about their marriage. While traditional couples’ therapy typically has an end goal of saving the marriage or saving the relationship, discernment counseling allows couples to work through different processes and determine if staying together is the right choice.
Perhaps one of the biggest reasons for divorce is irreconcilable differences. This is a common cause and probably one of the hardest hurdles to get over for people who are trying to save a marriage. If your partner is unwilling to work with you to even determine whether divorce is the right choice, discernment counseling might be the best way to go.
There are many issues that come up in marriage, from family life to finances and other stressors. Whether you and your partner handle these the same way can have an impact on the success of your marriage. If you feel your marriage is heading toward...
Over the years of working with people going through a divorce, I've heard repeatedly that one of the parties was blindsided by the other spouse's request for a divorce. With that said, a relationship headed for an impending divorce will often show multiple signs of challenges and issues, if you're paying attention.
One of the most frequent complaints is that love has faded. Know that it's normal for relationships to change over time. Your love will also change. The first feeling of romance will turn into a deeper kind of love. However, it shouldn't disappear. A relationship that has lost its love altogether is in danger.
Anger and resentment can do immense damage to a relationship. If you both resent each other, then it's a strong sign the marriage is in trouble.
Telling parents about divorce can be hard enough. I have seen the tension in a divorce increase too many times as a result of meddling family members or friends. During the holidays, we tend to interact with family members and friends more than we do all year long, so there is even more opportunity for meddling than there typically is.
From my professional experience, it is so hard to watch when a couple has committed to handling their settlement in a mature and amicable way, but someone gets in one of their ears and tears the whole thing apart.
When I sit down with my clients who are going through mediation, I always encourage them to keep the conversations that happen in mediation in the mediation room. I know that when you're emotional, you may want to vent to a friend or a family member. However, divorce is a difficult process for everyone who is involved, and a meddling family member can make it even more complicated.
Related post: How to Ask Your Spouse to...
I have journaled off and on since I knew how to write. Journaling helped me through some of the toughest times in my life. Whether you've journaled previously or not, the action of putting pen to paper is an extraordinarily beneficial way to improve your life. Journaling is an effortless way to change your life when it feels like nothing is going right.
When you free write, you end up writing about the things that are most important to you. They may be things that you don’t even think of as that important but looking back over your writings later will give you a strong inclination of what you find the most rewarding in your life. For example, if you find yourself coming back to the idea of starting your own business over and over again, it’s evident that it’s a dream that’s important to you. When your life is in chaos, you have less to lose, and you might decide to go for it and see what happens.
Social media has become such an important part of our lives. However, when going through a divorce, you may want to be a little more cautious. I am thrilled to welcome guest blogger, Elizabeth Billies, to share the seven don'ts of social media during a divorce.
by Guest Blogger, Elizabeth Billies, Attorney
We share our lives on social media. Birthdays, vacations, pet photos, it's all out there for the world to see. Social media posts, text messages, and emails have become the most common ways we communicate with our friends and family. So, it makes sense that if you are willing to share your latest sunset photo or what you ate for breakfast on the internet, you are also likely to share your thoughts on your divorce/breakup online as well.
However, you need to think about what you post on social media during this process. Certain social media don'ts can have a direct effect on your divorce. The last thing that you want is to...