Addiction and Divorce: What You Need to Know Going Forward

By Liesel Darby, ADR Certified Divorce Coach and Mediator

Divorce is already overwhelming and emotionally intense, but when your spouse's addiction is thrown into the mix? That adds a whole new level of complexity and angst. There can be shame, guilt, safety concerns, anger, and fear surrounding a spouse's addiction—whether it's alcohol, drugs, gambling, pornography, or sex addiction—but knowing how to address these can help mitigate the impact on you and your family.

I was an addiction counselor for six years, and part of my job was to help family members understand addiction and codependency. Addiction may be one of the reasons you're seeking divorce, or it may be something you're just now recognizing for what it is. Maybe you've downplayed the impact a spouse's addiction has had on you and your marriage. It could also escalate (or you may fear it will) during the divorce process.

Your Spouse's Addiction Is NOT Yours to Control

The first thing I want to emphasize is that your spouse's addiction is not something for you to control. Period.

Since you've been a partner with this person, you likely have codependency issues to deal with, and one of those is feeling like it's your job to manage your partner's addiction—whether that's substance abuse, pornography, or gambling. You may be walking on eggshells trying not to set your partner off. Maybe you blame yourself for the addictive behavior, or your partner has told you that it's all your fault.

Active addiction can spiral out of control, and it's natural to want to try to contain it. However, it is your spouse's job to get help, not your job to try to control it.

You Are Not Crazy: Understanding Life with an Addicted Partner

Life with an addict is chaos.

Most people think of addiction as out-of-control use of alcohol and/or drugs, but there are also sex addictions, pornography addiction, and gambling addiction. What they all have in common is that the person is unable to control the amount of the substance or behavior, and it's resulting in negative consequences.

Alcohol addiction can result in DUIs, jail time, job loss, and many kinds of emotional and physical abuse at home. Same for other kinds of drug use—not to mention the physical toll substance abuse takes on the body and mind. A gambler may lose the rent money, resulting in eviction. A sex addict may rack up thousands of dollars in credit card debt for phone sex, strip clubs, or paying for prostitutes (which also puts you at risk for STIs). Sex addiction has the added component of betrayal, as you often feel like this steps outside of marriage vows. It can feel more personal, as if you aren't enough to keep your spouse sexually satisfied.

The Blame Game: How Addicts Gaslight Their Spouses

Amidst all of this, the addict is an expert at blaming you for their use and consequences. They may say things like, "If you were a better wife, I wouldn't have to drink so much!" or "If you'd have more sex with me, I wouldn't have to look at porn!"

The addict never takes accountability, and you may find yourself questioning your role in their addiction. Whatever you do to try to "fix" this will never be enough.

Remember: It is NOT your fault, and you cannot fix it.

Safety First: Protecting Yourself and Your Children During Divorce

There are several things to consider when addiction is part of your divorce.

Safety comes first. If your spouse becomes physically or sexually abusive while using, you must be sure that you are in a safe space. If possible, either you or your spouse should leave the home.

If children are involved, you'll need to come up with a parenting plan that addresses ways to keep the children safe when with the other parent. This could mean:

• Supervised parenting time or supervised visitation
• A breathalyzer to be used prior to getting in the car
• Random drug testing
• Depending on the age of the child, they may have a smart watch or phone to communicate with you if they feel unsafe at your ex's home, or know to call 911 if needed

There are court-ordered substance abuse programs to address these concerns, or perhaps monitored parenting time needs to happen. You must let your attorney know of your concerns, and documentation will be needed to bolster your claims. A Guardian Ad Litem may be assigned to your case as an extra safeguard for your children.

How Addiction Complicates Divorce Negotiations and Settlements

If your spouse is in active addiction, this may bring any settlement negotiations to a halt. Agreements cannot be made if one party is under the influence. Emotions tend to be dysregulated when under the influence, and you may be dealing with an angry, hostile, belligerent person who cannot—or does not want to—make logical legal decisions. Legally, agreements signed while under the influence may not be binding.

Financial Surprises: Hidden Debt and Asset Dissipation from Addiction

If your spouse has spent money or run up credit card debt due to their addiction, there may be nasty financial surprises during the divorce process. Find out about as many financial accounts as possible. You may also be able to have any debt run up due to addiction assigned to your spouse (talk to your attorney about this).

Setting Boundaries with Your Addicted Ex

Do all that you can to stay out of addiction drama. That may mean communicating only through a parenting app (such as Our Family Wizard) so that the court and other interested parties can see what's being communicated. Set boundaries around interacting with the addicted spouse—such as when exchanging children, being at school functions, etc.

The Grief No One Talks About

Most people tend to focus on the anger at the addicted partner, but no one really acknowledges the grief.

Grief is about loss, and there is much that is lost due to addiction. Loss of trust is a big one. Loss of safety and security, both physical and emotional, is another. Aside from the tangible losses—home, money—are the losses of what could have been, the dreams that are crushed, the end of promises made.

Navigating Guilt, Shame, and "What Will People Think?"

Guilt and shame are unwelcome guests along for the ride. Embarrassment is real if addiction comes to light in the family or larger community.

Keep this in mind: Most people are much more concerned about what's going on in their own lives to spend much time thinking about yours. News cycles are very short. Focus on yourself and this too shall pass.

It comes back to understanding that addiction and the consequences are the addict's responsibility to address, not yours. Understanding codependency is essential so that you don't take on blame for what has transpired. Hold your head high, and get support through a support group like Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, Gam-Anon, or S-Anon—it will let you know that you're not alone and help you identify and stop codependent behavior on your part, helping you to set healthy boundaries and focus on living your life in a healthy way despite your spouse's behavior.

Divorce as an Act of Self-Protection, Not Failure

Many clients I've worked with say that they feel like their spouse will get worse if they divorce them, and they second-guess their decision to leave. They feel like they've failed the marriage.

The reality is that addiction destroys all those in its path. Divorce is a way to preserve yourself and your kids, to get distance from toxic behavior and rebuild your life, financially and emotionally. There's no reason everyone must go down the drain.

Co-Parenting or Parallel Parenting with an Addicted Ex

There's much talk about co-parenting, but have you heard about parallel parenting?

While co-parenting is usually what divorced parents strive for, with both parents collaborating and cooperating, parallel parenting may be the better option when dealing with an addict. In parallel parenting, each parent is responsible for the decisions they make on their parenting time, without having to consult and agree with the other parent. This cuts down on conflict. The court would install strict, court-ordered safety measures to keep the children safe.

Learning to Trust Yourself Again

Addiction destroys trust—not just in the marriage but with yourself as well.

You may have been routinely gaslighted about your spouse's addiction, told it was all in your head, your fault, you're crazy. It may take some time to learn to trust yourself again, so take it slow. Ask yourself if there's any evidence to what was said, or evidence to support your perception. Document conversations so there's a written record of what was said or transpired. Do reality checks with others who may have been witness to events.

As you start to see that your thoughts and actions are valid, your confidence will return. Give yourself grace during this time.

Finding Support That Truly Understands

The good news is that support does exist for people dealing with addicts.

As mentioned, Al-Anon and other support groups (Nar-Anon Family Groups for drug addiction, Gam-Anon for gambling, S-Anon for sex addiction) are available—just Google to see where these groups are held near you. They address the guilt, shame, feelings of isolation, and other issues you face.

A therapist can assist with clinical depression or anxiety. A divorce coach can help you navigate your divorce with an addict as well. You can check out divorce coaching with me at https://www.greatlakesdfs.com/divorce-coaching

You are not responsible for your spouse's addiction. You are not crazy. You are not alone.