Leah Hadley [00:00:01]:
Welcome to Intentional Divorce Insights. I'm Leah Hadley, certified divorce financial analyst, accredited financial counselor, and the founder of Intentional Divorce Solutions. I'll be your guide through the complexities of divorce, finance, and emotional wellness. Join me as we uncover practical tips and empowering insights to help you navigate your divorce with clarity and intention.
Leah Hadley [00:00:24]:
Hello, and welcome back to Intentional Divorce Insights. I am excited to share that today we have Liesel Darby with us. If you haven't heard our other episodes with Liesel, be sure to check the show notes below. We'll have a link below. But Liesel has been a member of our team as a divorce mediator and a divorce coach over the last year, and I am thrilled to have this time to chat with her today. Welcome, Liesel.
Liesel Darby [00:00:48]:
Oh, thanks, Leah. I'm always glad to be here with you.
Leah Hadley [00:00:52]:
So today we're talking about self care. And, Liesel, why is self care so important when going through a divorce?
Liesel Darby [00:01:00]:
Well, as any of our listeners know, if you've been through divorce or even talking about starting that process, you know that divorce is one of the most stressful life events that you can go through. In fact, I was I was looking it up on the list before we did this podcast. It's actually number 2 as far as stressors, and that's any change in in a relationship. It's only second to any kind of a death in your family that's somebody that's close to you. So this is high up on the stress level chart here, and it doesn't matter if you are the one who is initiating this divorce. You've got you have the extra, pleasure of having some guilt, usually, to deal with if that's the case. And if you were not the one who initiated this, this might be brand new information for you. Maybe you didn't see it coming at all, or even if you know that things weren't great for a while, you still might be really shocked that your spouse is pulling the trigger on this.
Liesel Darby [00:02:05]:
Or even if you 2 have talked about it, and this is just finally you're starting this procedure, there's still you can't get around the fact that this is gonna be a stressful time in your life. So what I wanted to do was talk about how why do you need to be able to manage your stress in this time, whether that's, you know, you're at the beginning of the process or even after the divorce is finalized? So, you know, one of the things, you're you're making big decisions. Like, if you are in this process right now, you're gonna be making some big changes to your life. And it's it might just be affecting you and your spouse, but if there's kids involved, that's a whole other ballgame. And so you're you're making big decisions that are gonna be impacting your life going forward. You're you're gonna have to find some way to be able to stay focused. It's really important to be able to stay organized, especially when you're dealing with other divorce professionals on this journey. You know, we're talking about maybe some attorneys, maybe a divorce mediator, you might be involved in the court system at some point, be talking to a judge, You might be talking to, maybe a therapist, maybe maybe counselors for your kids, maybe a guardian ad litem.
Liesel Darby [00:03:30]:
There's all kinds of people that come into play, and you're gonna need to be on your a game when when you present yourself with them and having discussions with them. You're gonna have to be keeping up with the kids, and your life doesn't stop. That's that's the thing. You know, we we hit these bumps in the road and life doesn't stop. Even though we, you might just want to feel like curling up on the couch and in the fetal position for a while and and, hide from the world. But, you know, life doesn't work like that. So it's really, really important to understand that you're gonna be going through a stressful time, and self care is very, very important as you go through this. We can't stress it enough.
Liesel Darby [00:04:11]:
Yep. No pun intended.
Leah Hadley [00:04:15]:
Is there any difference between kind of self care when you're going through the divorce versus after the divorce?
Liesel Darby [00:04:24]:
I'm not sure if it's such a difference in what kind of self care, but I wanted to talk about the different kind of stress that you might be dealing with. And again, still staying on the importance of this. So when you're going when you're first starting the divorce process and really until you are getting it finalized, so many things are up in the air. Right? You know, you don't know maybe what the financial picture is going to look like for you. You don't know, what the childcare issues are going to be. You don't know who's going to be, you know, what the parenting plan is gonna look like. You don't know, maybe who's gonna get what. You don't know who's gonna get to keep the dog.
Liesel Darby [00:05:09]:
You don't know if if it's gonna be necessary for you to go if you haven't been working for a while, maybe you have to go back to work, or maybe you have to find a second stream of income. There's just so much that you that's up in the air, and that in itself is stressful. Right? The the unknown can cause a tremendous amount of stress. So that's some of the things that you're dealing with as you're going through that process. And then even after the divorce is finalized, now you have those answers. Right? Now you know what the parenting plan's like. Now you know, what you're going to be doing with the house. Now you know, you know, if you have to go back to work or not.
Liesel Darby [00:05:55]:
But the flip side is now you know. And it might not be, everything that you were hoping for. It might not, you know, it might not have gone all your way because usually in divorce, it doesn't you know, one person doesn't walk away the clear, quote, unquote winner. Right? It doesn't it doesn't work like that. So now you actually might know what you are dealing with and having to figure that out. But at the same time, from this point on, things should start to settle down as you, you know, you come to recognize what your new normal is gonna look like. But all through this thing, it's really, again, just so important that you are able to take care of that stress and take care of yourself as you go through this, both for your emotional, mental, and physical states. All of that's important.
Leah Hadley [00:06:52]:
It's such a good point. You know, when I think about my own divorce, certainly, when I was going through it, there was the unknown of what life was gonna look like, but sort of that reality hits you after the divorce of, like, well, now I have to adjust to this. Yeah. And if there's not that sort of well, maybe I can still make it this way or that way, but now this is this is how things have settled, and I need to figure out, you know, how life fits within these parameters. And that is a whole different kind of stress. I'm glad that you pointed that out.
Liesel Darby [00:07:26]:
Yeah. And let's not forget that now you you're still having to deal with your ex if you have kids. Right. That's still an ongoing thing. So now depending on how amicable your divorce was, and what kind of a relationship you now have from transitioning from being romantic partners to now being co parents, that's a different transition in itself. And so now you gotta throw into the mix, you know, you have you have a child exchanges. Right? How are those going? How are the transitions for your kids as they come and go from each household, you know, back and forth? I know that can have a tremendous impact on kids as far as, you know, how comfortable they are with that, what their level of anxiety is. Maybe not wanting to leave either parent at that time.
Liesel Darby [00:08:19]:
You know, all kinds of things start to pop up. And now maybe it's dawning on you that you have to buy 2 of everything to have it at each parent's household too. So just lots of things. Lots of things that you have to to deal with. Yeah. So like I said, it's it's actually a new normal, settling in after after the papers are signed. Now you get to to deal with that. But at least you know that you have some questions that have been answered, and so that fear can go away.
Liesel Darby [00:08:54]:
And now it's just kind of figuring out, okay, what are we where are we going from here?
Leah Hadley [00:08:59]:
Sure. And as it relates to dealing with your ex after divorce, that always makes me think about boundaries. Let's talk a little bit about boundaries and how boundaries are related to self care and divorce.
Liesel Darby [00:09:12]:
Yeah. This is a big one, especially for women, I think. Mainly because, as we're growing up, even from little girls, right, we're taught that we wanna be nice because we want people to like us. You know, we wanna be dependable. We want people to ask for our help. You know, we're socialized that way, which is fine. Except that somewhere along the way, we also receive the message that everybody else's needs come before our own. That's just kind of the way it is.
Liesel Darby [00:09:44]:
So when we have to start putting down boundaries about that, it can feel very strange. It can feel like, oh my gosh. I'm not used to this. And what I'm talking about is being able to say no. And no is a complete sentence in and of itself. And I want to just give people permission that you are allowed to number 1, it it it's we we talk about that oxygen example that we all know about from airplanes. Like, you know, put your own oxygen mask on first before you can take care of other people, and this is the same principle. If you have been so depleted, you haven't been taking care of yourself, you know, you're not eating right, you're not getting enough sleep, one thing, you are not in a position to be making good decisions for you or anybody else, and you won't have the energy to, handle your own emotions and let alone any anybody else that you're coming in contact with.
Liesel Darby [00:10:46]:
So it's so important to be able to carve out time in your schedule, and don't please don't wait and see if, oh, if I have time, I'll go take a walk, or if I have time, I'll go cook a good meal. You need to put that into your schedule just as if it's any other important meeting and block it out. And if somebody is asking you to do something during that time, all you have to say is, no. I'm sorry. Or you don't even have to say I'm sorry. I always backed that up. You can just say, oh, not able to do that at this time. You know? And that's a that's all you have to say.
Liesel Darby [00:11:23]:
We always kinda think that we have to come up with some big elaborate excuse, when we're, you know, when we're doing something for ourselves and somebody wants that time, but you don't have to. It like I said, no is a complete sentence in itself. Now we're not gonna just none of us are really comfortable. Somebody comes to us and and ask something, just say no and turn around and walk away. That's that's not usually how we handle things. But maybe just have a few phrases at the ready, and it can be as simple as just saying, I already have something else scheduled at that time. Thanks for asking, though. It can be something as simple as that.
Liesel Darby [00:12:03]:
But the point I wanna make is that carve out the time to do things that are important to you, to take care of yourself no matter what we're talking about in that realm, and treat it just as importantly as you would anything else. And don't let things impinge on that because it's gonna be up to you to hold the boundaries. Right? Especially, like, if you have kids, they're gonna want, mom, can we do this? Mom, can we do that? Can I go here? Can and you're gonna have to, you know, be kind of firm and say, I'm not able to do that at this time. Can you maybe check with so and so's mom? Maybe they can give you a ride something. Not saying you can't problem solve with with whoever you're talking to, but it's up to you to hold your boundaries firm and not expect that other people will respect those boundaries. You have to be the one that's in charge of that.
Leah Hadley [00:12:58]:
And that can be really difficult, especially if you're not somebody who, in the past Yeah. Has really established clear boundaries for yourself. And now you're going through this big change, and you're you're also at the same time trying to identify where the boundaries are. But the reality is divorce takes a lot of energy. It takes time. It takes money. And so, you know, all of our resources are limited to some extent. And so, you know, making sure that you have those boundaries in place in order to really protect your energy is is really critical.
Liesel Darby [00:13:33]:
Yeah. It is. And it it might be something that you have to practice. That's, again, you know, what what we say. Takes, what, 30 days to put a new habit into place until it feels okay, till it feels some somewhat normal. So one of the things I just wanna I hope our listeners get today is that it will feel weird. If you're not used to doing this, it's gonna feel weird. So just expect that and accept that, and just give yourself permission to do that and say, I'm doing this for me.
Liesel Darby [00:14:04]:
This is important because when I do this for me, I'm doing this for the other people around me who who need me too. Maybe that's a if you can look at it that way, maybe that makes it a might make it a little easier. It's like, I'm doing this for all of us. It's not a selfish thing, because we don't like that word selfish. Right? But sometimes you have to do things for yourself in order to be in in a good place to take care of anybody else who might need you. But also, I mean, let's talk about this. If you have to have a job, you have to certain performance standards at work. Right? So if you are so depleted of energy and you're you're, you know, you're getting sick because you're not taking care of yourself, you're not doing yourself any favors at work either.
Liesel Darby [00:14:52]:
And this can be a real tenuous time where maybe you need to have that job, and you need to bring your a game every time that you come. So there can be some really, important consequences for not taking care of yourself. Let's I mean, if you need if you need to look at it that way, that's okay too. It's like, you know, I have to keep in tip top shape and do the best for me so that I can do what I need to do to take care of me and anybody else who depends on me.
Leah Hadley [00:15:24]:
Such good points. What are your thoughts on social media during this time?
Liesel Darby [00:15:29]:
So glad you asked that. Let's do, sorority answer is try to stay off of it if you can. Lay low when you're going through a divorce and afterwards. I want our listeners to understand that whatever they post on social media can and will be used against them, in court. And you you, you know, you might not be thinking in terms of that kind of a consequence, So don't talk about your divorce on social media, especially don't bad mouth your ex. Okay? Not don't put that don't put that in writing. Don't put that out there in the universe like that where somebody can grab that and go in front of a judge and say, look. This is what they're saying about me.
Liesel Darby [00:16:17]:
Don't give anything that can be used against you. So no pics of please, especially if if you do have if you have met someone new, don't be posting pictures of you with that person. Also be mindful of, like don't be posting pictures of you having so much fun with your friends, with the drink in your hand, or you don't know what else. Maybe something else that could be construed as, you know, and it could be all innocent fun. Right? But you don't wanna put anything out there that could possibly put you in a less than flattering light. And you don't wanna put anything out there that is disparaging your ex or talking badly about how, you know, how this divorce is going for you. You don't don't give yourself that headache. You don't have to do that.
Leah Hadley [00:17:10]:
I've even seen cases, Liesel, where people are misrepresenting themselves financially online, and that has come to bite them. So they're showing pictures of, you know, what appears to be an extravagant trip or a new vehicle or things like that, that they don't necessarily think through how that may impact an argument that they have around finances in court. And so, I agree to to as much as you can, you may not even know how that could potentially be used, against you, but, to really consider limiting the use of social media.
Liesel Darby [00:17:46]:
Yeah. Because I I know it's depending on how this divorce came about, you might be in, like, revenge mode. Like, I'll show him I'm having a great time. I'm out there. I've met somebody new and yeah. Yeah. That that's all stuff that's gonna come back to bite you. So and then the the flip side is don't you go looking on their social media platforms either.
Liesel Darby [00:18:12]:
K? I I know it does it can sometimes be overwhelming. The curiosity, you wanna see what they're posting. You wanna see especially if maybe you've heard rumors that maybe they've met someone else, you wanna see if they post anything. Please don't. Because you're not gonna find anything there that's gonna make you feel any better. Right? Because first of all, nobody's posting the pictures of them crying in the corner. Sobbing into their beer. Nobody's posting that.
Liesel Darby [00:18:42]:
It's either gonna be it might even be just something as like they're having a really fun time with your kids, and maybe you're not in a place right now that you appreciate that, you know? Maybe on the other spectrum, they are posting pictures of them with somebody new on their arm. You just don't wanna see that, and you don't wanna see if other people, you know, if he's talking about it, talking about you. You just don't need to put yourself into the middle of any of that, or into any of that kind of energy because nothing good comes from it. So social media in this delicate time is just better to just stay off of it. You know? Just just have real time with your friends and family and and your kids, and and don't feel the need to put that out there for everybody to see and comment on. Yeah.
Leah Hadley [00:19:34]:
So we've been talking about self care this whole time. What are some simple ways to take care of yourself?
Liesel Darby [00:19:40]:
Yeah. And we were gonna get to this eventually. Well and and, you know, and none of this stuff that I'm gonna say is gonna be a shocker to anybody. Nobody's gonna be like, I never thought of that. But let's let's just talk about the the things, and I'm gonna say upfront that these sound really simple, but I there's a caveat that they might not all be easy. Okay? So just keep that in mind. And first thing I'm gonna say is get enough sleep. And this absolutely falls into that category of yeah.
Liesel Darby [00:20:12]:
That sounds really simple, but if you are feeling really overwhelmed and stressed out, we all know we we've all had those nights where we lay awake, and we finally look over at the clock. And it's, like, 3 AM, and our mind is still racing and churning out all these, you know, things what we just saw on social media. You know, so I it can be easier said than done. What I can tell you is as much as you can, get into a routine. Go to bed at the same time. A decent hour. I'm not talking about 1 AM. K? So, you know, we're talking 10 or 11 or something like that, depending on your schedule.
Liesel Darby [00:20:52]:
But and and keep it consistent. K? So even if you feel, like, on the weekends, like, oh my gosh. I can finally sleep in an extra 3 hours. Try not to do that. Okay. It's the more consistent of a sleep routine that you can have, the easier it's gonna be on your body to finally maybe adjust to that, and you'll you'll just feel better during the day. If you have an alarm clock, maybe maybe make it further enough that you actually have to get out of bed to turn it off, and then don't get back into bed like try to avoid the temptation to hit that snooze alarm. That's that's hard too because you're not gonna get quality sleep if you if you're doing that, it's better to just focus on getting some quality sleep and start your body to wake up naturally at a certain time if if you're getting enough sleep.
Liesel Darby [00:21:51]:
I know they talk to you about, limiting screen time before you go to bed, like, like an hour or so. So maybe take that last hour before you go to bed to maybe read a book or have some kind of a ritual with your kids. Maybe you're reading books to them before bed. Maybe you're making lists of things to do for the next day. That's a really good thing to help calm anxiety too is if you know what you need to do the next day. One of the things I was gonna talk about a little later, but we can put it in here now, is journaling. You can get get some some piece of paper that you can write everything that's in your head before you go to bed because that it's a really good thing. Just get it out of your head and get it onto paper that's been shown that that's, that will help you sleep better because it's not all still rattling around.
Liesel Darby [00:22:48]:
So yeah. So sleep is really important. And again, because you're making big decisions during this time, you need to be functioning well at work, You you need to be able to get your kids off to school, maybe help them with homework. You need to be able to function during the day. And if you are sleep deprived, that's not gonna help at all. So that's that's number 1. The next thing, again, not everybody's gonna gasp. I never thought of this.
Liesel Darby [00:23:14]:
Eat right. Okay? So, again, it could be easier said than done, especially if you're on the move a lot. But this is not the time to just be eating only pizza and cheeseburgers. Please eat something green. Do a smoothie. Do something that has some actual nutrients in it for your body, and maybe this is again a time where you have to plan this, and it's not gonna be just off the cuff. I know even for me, I need to plan to eat something healthier or else I am the person who's eating a cheeseburger or pizza. Not because I feel typically stressed either.
Liesel Darby [00:23:52]:
It's just because it's easier. Right? It's just easier to do that. But just, you know, and again, might have to back up the process a little bit. Make a menu for the week of good meals that you and and your kids would actually like to eat. Go grocery shopping so you have these items available to make these nutritious things that you're eating. You know, just a little bit of planning so that you're not always just feeling on the go or what's just easy, because those things tend to not be the best unless you're grabbing a piece of fruit or maybe some broccoli and dip it in some ranch or something like that. But that might take a little bit of planning here. The next thing again, exercise.
Liesel Darby [00:24:36]:
Just move your body in some way for some period of time during the day. And again, please don't try to do this off the cuff and think, oh, if I feel like it. I'll go for a walk if I feel like it, or if I have time to do this. It's I guarantee you, you're not gonna do it. If you were just leaving that up to the whims of fate, it's not gonna happen. So, again, this is where you get your calendar out and you block out some time specifically to do whatever it is. And it doesn't have to be a huge chunk of time. We're not talking about join a gym and go there for 3 hours every day.
Liesel Darby [00:25:11]:
No. Just go for a walk around the block. You know, that'll make you feel good. Be out in some natural sunlight if you can. 15 minutes. And if that's too much, break it up during the day. Go for a 10 minute walk at lunch. Maybe do another 10 minutes after dinner.
Liesel Darby [00:25:28]:
Whatever. Whatever works for you. Maybe it is you need to join some kind of a structured class if that's what, you know, will hold you accountable. Do that, but put it on your calendar. Now you know that during, you know, from 6 to 7 on Tuesdays Thursdays, I'm in this, spin class or whatever it is. That's where I'm going. But the point is just do something with your body every day because it helps to move stress through it. Again, and and exercise will help you with sleep as well.
Liesel Darby [00:26:01]:
Okay. Another thing you can try is to meditate. And, again, not talking about you have to meditate for even half an hour. 5 minutes of just sitting quietly. Even if you're sitting out in the morning looking out your window for 5 minutes, that counts as meditation. You know? And if you wanted, there's all kinds of apps that you can put on your phone that can help you learn to meditate if this is not something that's a regular practice for you. There's all different. There's guided imagery, there's music, there's waves, there's rain.
Liesel Darby [00:26:34]:
There's all kinds of things to do this, but the point is to just have kind of a clear mind and not be sitting there worrying about something. It has tremendous benefit. So that's something you can do. I talked a little bit about journaling. Again, the idea is to just kind of capture all this stuff that's going on in your head and put it down on paper. You can have different you can you can make lists of things you want to do. You can make, you know, you can write about projects you wanna do. You can, you know, write about fun things you wanna try to do, then that's another thing on the list too is try something fun.
Liesel Darby [00:27:10]:
Do something fun that you actually like to do. You can do, some people do a a, what am I trying to say here? A gratitude journal. That's really nice to do. Before you go to bed, write down 3 to 5 things that you appreciated during the day, that you were grateful for. Or I like to use the word appreciate. Just things that went right during the day. We're so used to looking for the things that go wrong, and that's what throws us off us off track. But if you start to look at the many, many more things that go right during a day, that'll help put things in perspective.
Liesel Darby [00:27:51]:
You know, we always view things through our, we all have a a filter. What we're looking for is what we tend to find. And you know people like this. People who are they're like, well, everything nothing ever works out for me. Like, you know, the glass half empty kind of people. Well, guess what? They're looking for things like that. So that's what they find. But you can flip it, and it's just as easy to say, you know what? Things work out for me all the time.
Liesel Darby [00:28:16]:
And you will start to notice those things as you go through your day, and you'll be amazed. And all of a sudden, you've gone from a, you know, a person where nothing ever works out to everything works out for me. And even especially if you're in the ick of divorce, that's really important that you start to notice the good things that are still in your life because it's too easy to get overwhelmed with all the things that seem to not be going quite so smoothly for you during this time. Because, you know, divorce is not fun for anybody. It's just not. So the more that you can find that is going right in your life still, that's a nice counterbalance for that. Nothing to do is just take a break from normal life. You know, it's we we have routines.
Liesel Darby [00:29:05]:
You know, we're we're all in routines and routines play a very important role in our life because we don't wanna have to think about every single step we're gonna take during the day. That would be doubly exhausting. But if you can just break something up, something that you don't normally do, like, maybe for lunch today, go go to the park that's across the street and sit on the bench and look at the squirrels. Just do something different. Maybe find a different way to come to work. Even that. Visit a little shop that you've been dying to try out, you know, just to see what they have. Just go in there and see.
Liesel Darby [00:29:40]:
Try something new for for dinner. Like, maybe you've never made lemon spaghetti. I just made this last week. 2 failed attempts, and finally, I got it right. I learned don't even try the onions because they just burned. It's not my smoke detector. But just do do something out of the ordinary just to mix things up a little bit that that can help you, feel better. And then, spend time with your favorite people.
Liesel Darby [00:30:09]:
You know? Find your friends. Find the family members that you like. Spend some time with your kids. Make sure that you you're doing some fun stuff. And then last thing I wanna mention is get some support. Right? You don't have to do this alone.
Leah Hadley [00:30:24]:
And speaking of support, what kinds of support do you offer, Liesel?
Liesel Darby [00:30:29]:
Okay. Well, we apart from, you know, family and friends, they can they're great, but they can only do so much. And sometimes it's it's nice to have somebody else to talk about what you're going through. So we offer we have support groups. Right? And that's just you can even try one for free, see what that's like. Those are just general groups that that we've had for a while now. We also just started offering individual divorce coaching. That is a little more structured, and that is designed to help you keep moving forward.
Liesel Darby [00:31:09]:
So, again, it's always up to whatever you wanna talk about during that that session, But I, you know, I'm not gonna let you just ramble on, you know, this isn't just a coffee chat. I I do have a structure that we will figure out what you wanna focus on, what you'd like to be able to accomplish at the end of that time, and make sure that you get that. So it it that, again, that's to keep you moving forward through this process, and that can happen at any time during the you know, whether it be contemplating divorce, you're in the middle of it, or you're at the other end of it. And same thing for all of these services, actually. The support groups are the same. And then starting in October, we're gonna be offering a new kind of a group. I'm calling this group coaching. So it's a hybrid of you can come and get get support for what you're going through, but, also, I'm gonna be able to coach you a little bit through that.
Liesel Darby [00:32:05]:
But we're gonna be doing these in 12 week modules, and each module is gonna have a specific topic. And the first one that we're gonna do starting in October is one on self care. So this this is very timely here. So we'll be able to go into more detail, for you specifically on what are you doing, how's that working, you know, if there's if you need some help, some ideas on how to work through any snafu's you're having. But, also, you know, we'll have people there who can support you and cheer you on, and you can do the same thing, and it's gonna be great.
Leah Hadley [00:32:46]:
Terrific. Lots of great support that we offer for you regardless of the stage of divorce that you're in. And, Liesel, it's just a wonderful resource, so I encourage you. If you're not quite sure what you need, just reach out to her and have a conversation, because she can help figure that out with you. Lisa, thank you so much for taking the time to talk with me today.
Liesel Darby [00:33:07]:
Yep. Anytime, Leah. So happy to do this. Thank you.
Leah Hadley [00:33:38]:
Awesome. You're so welcome. And for our audience, thank you so much for listening.
Leah Hadley [00:33:15]:
We'll see you next week. Thank you for joining me on Intentional Divorce Insights. It's a privilege to share this time with you. I hope each episode offers valuable guidance to navigate your journey. If you find our content helpful, please leave a review to help others discover the benefits of intentional decision making in divorce. Until next time, take care and continue to embrace your path with intention.
