Leah Hadley [00:00:01]:
Welcome to Intentional Divorce Insights. I'm Leah Hadley, certified divorce financial analyst, accredited financial counselor and the founder of Intentional Divorce Solutions. I'll be your guide through the complexities of divorce, finance and emotional wellness. Join me as we uncover practical tips and empowering insights to help you navigate your divorce with clarity and intention. Hi there and welcome back to Intentional Divorce Insights. I am so happy that you are here with us today. We have a fancy fantastic guest and we are talking about a very important topic today. So stick with me because this is going to have some good tips for you parents out there.
Leah Hadley [00:00:41]:
But first, let me introduce our guest. This is Dr. Carla Caturia and she is a mental performance coach. So I'm going to want to know what that is. So we're going to talk about that in just a minute. But she's also a speaker and the CEO of the House of Rise, where she helps high achieving teens and their families build resilience, confidence, emotional intelligence and stronger relationships. With over 20 years of experience and work with more than 10,000 tweens, teens, young adults and families, she helps young people perform at their highest level, academically, athletically and personally, without being consumed by stress, anxiety or overwhelm. Through her proven frameworks, Dr.
Leah Hadley [00:01:26]:
Carla equips both teens and parents with practical tools that create lasting growth, connection and peak performance. Welcome Dr. Carla. Thanks for being with us.
Dr. Carla Caturia [00:01:36]:
Thanks so much for having me. I'm looking forward to this. This is going to be awesome.
Leah Hadley [00:01:40]:
Absolutely. And I know just from working with so many clients over the years and of course having my own teenagers that there are a lot of challenges that come up and the world that they are growing up in is very different from the world that we grew up in, which also adds a lot of challenge and a lot, I think, of misunderstandings generation. So I am thrilled to have you here. But before we get into the questions, what is a mental performance coach?
Dr. Carla Caturia [00:02:07]:
Yeah, so basically I help kids and families to remove resistance around their limiting beliefs and what's holding them back. We dig down to the root issues of why they might not be thriving to their highest potential. So with that being said, it might be confidence, it might be resiliency, it might be self trust. There might be those core issues coming up and how do we navigate that and how can I lead them through that in such a way so that they can move to the next level in different areas of their life, whether it be relationships or sports or activities or school. So, yeah, that's kind of it in a nutshell. I think the reason I Use mental performance is because I often work with athletes or performers and they practice so much and they forget about their mind. You need to practice with that too. So it's like you go to the gym and you do buys and tries and you do that all week.
Dr. Carla Caturia [00:03:13]:
But have you gone in and done your mental work?
Leah Hadley [00:03:17]:
That's so interesting and so important. Right. Because you see all of the elite performers and professional athletes always have somebody who is supporting them in terms of their mental capacity, you know, mental health and just really having the right mindset, bringing it down to the folks who want to be in those positions. That's awesome. How did you get into this work?
Dr. Carla Caturia [00:03:39]:
Yeah, yeah, thank you. Yeah. I have been an educator, I was a teacher, assistant principal, college professor for two decades. And I just saw that a lot of parents were awesome. You know, great parents, kids were awesome, great kids. Yet something was going on in their relationship. There was conflict or there was anxiety on the kids part. And you know, some of my parents are pretty like, look, I'm not putting any pressure on them.
Dr. Carla Caturia [00:04:04]:
We're okay with A's, B's. You know, we're not, we're not. But it's still, it's. They were, the kids were either having performance anxiety or GPA was a concern or whatever it might be. And I just felt that I could help families on a deeper level to really shift mindset and have kids become more self reliant and confident in themselves and more resilient, able to do hard things. And then essentially like once the kids start to grow in that way, the relationship between parents and kids just, it becomes stronger and healthier. Obviously the parents had to put some work into on their side. But yeah, that's kind of why I branched out and I said I feel like I'm being called to do more here for families.
Leah Hadley [00:04:49]:
Fantastic. Oh, it's so wonderful. So tell us a little bit about how parents can really support their child's emotional well being while they're going through a divorce. Because I know a lot of parents out there, they just want to fix everything and sometimes we just can't fix everything. Right?
Dr. Carla Caturia [00:05:07]:
Yeah. So I mean a lot of it comes down to one. And this is difficult understandably because you as a mom or dad are going through the divorce emotionally yourself, but to show up to the best of your ability as the most emotionally regulated self, you can. So that also requires you to take care of yourself. So step one for a mom or dad is checking in with themselves, taking the time to work out, taking the time to go For a walk, check out and read a book or watch a movie. Something they need to do for their emotional self in order to then promote the best communication possible with their child. Because oftentimes kids, they take a lot of responsibility for the breakup literally has nothing to do with them. But they're so emotionally invested, obviously it's their parents.
Dr. Carla Caturia [00:06:00]:
So kind of supporting your kid through that while you're trying to support yourself through it is tricky. Yet it starts with you. And one thing you also said, and this goes for divorced parents or just any parents, is oftentimes we want to fix it. We see them struggling, we see them upset, we see them anxious. And when we feel like we need to step in, we might have to like take a step out and take a step back. And that can be very challenging because you obviously have been fixing things since they were born. Like, they need, they need milk, you give it to them, they need, you know, diaper, give it to them. So, yeah, it's learning to allow them to start to build their autonomy and their confidence because you aren't fixing for them.
Leah Hadley [00:06:43]:
So. And I love how you said that too, right? Building their autonomy, building their confidence, really framing it in such a positive way where so often, you know, just being a mom of teens and talking to other moms of teens, it's like, are we just gonna let them flail and flounder? Right. Like, if we talk about it and we use that kind of language, then you feel like you're doing this horrible thing. Right. But when we really acknowledge and recognize what you're doing is building that autonomy, suddenly it's like, oh, wait a minute, like that's a good, positive thing to do, right?
Dr. Carla Caturia [00:07:14]:
Yeah, because if you look at it, you're like actually robbing them of a learning experience. So no, we don't want them getting physically injured or harmed by other people. Like, there are certain situations where you need to step in, of course, but on the day to day things like let them problem solve, have them maybe come to you with a solution before you say, this is what I think we should do, or, you know, ask them what they need in that moment. Sometimes they come to you and they just, they don't need a solution. They're not looking for that. And you give it to them and then they, they clam up because they're like, oh, again. So, yeah, yeah. Just looking at it from a different lens.
Dr. Carla Caturia [00:07:52]:
Absolutely.
Leah Hadley [00:07:53]:
Yeah. So what are you seeing as some of the most common emotional challenges that children are facing during a divorce? And how can parents recognize Those.
Dr. Carla Caturia [00:08:02]:
Yeah, I think it started with, like I was saying, like, they take responsibility for it. There's a lot of grief because it kind of feels like a death in a way. There's change, so there's that. With change, there can be a lot of anxiety or overwhelm. You're potentially hearing fighting, or one parent involves you and it's this one against that one. I mean, there's all these different kind of dynamics that come about, and then the. The children are feeling anxiety, they're feeling overwhelmed, they're wanting to be, am I going to be loved? And they have all these questions coming up, and I think it often dredges up some of the things they may either not have handled, didn't know they had subconsciously, and kind of brings up a lot of those emotions to the forefront.
Leah Hadley [00:08:50]:
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. So how can parents really help their kids build resilience and confidence when they're going through this transition?
Dr. Carla Caturia [00:09:01]:
Yeah, I think so. It's a fine line, but some of it, to build the resilience and let your teen or tween know, like, you can do hard things. This is only temporary. Telling them that is one thing, but also showing them that is even more powerful. Modeling for them potentially being vulnerable. Not with the nitty gritties of the divorce, but, you know, explaining maybe what you're going through and how you've been coping and maybe doing some of those things with them. It could be journaling, it could be doing some meditation. There's a million strategies yet.
Dr. Carla Caturia [00:09:38]:
Are you doing them for yourself? Do we as a family, though, me and dad or me and mom aren't together anymore? Is this still our family value to take care of ourselves, to be able to be resilient and work through challenges? Because this isn't going to be the last challenge. There's going to be numerous things that come up, good, bad and otherwise in their life. So I think that. And I think the more your child sees that, oh, I feeling a certain emotion, I can handle this. I have the strategies, but also it's the mindset behind the emotion. So it's what they're thinking. So in order to help them build that confidence in themselves, it has, you know, you have to kind of look at the situation through the most. I don't like to use positive, but most positive lens as possible.
Dr. Carla Caturia [00:10:31]:
So instead of he's this or she's that, and I can't stand, you know, your mother, your father, it's more of the, well, this is better for us as a family. And then following that up with, you know, the evidence as to why this is a better situation for all involved.
Leah Hadley [00:10:46]:
Yeah, sure. You know, you've mentioned a few times now, and I think it's worth kind of highlighting the importance of really taking care of yourself first in order to be able to be supportive of your kids. Right. And to really recognize how we are feeling our emotions, processing our emotions. Are we kind of shoving them down and taking care of everybody else and is that what you want to show your kids or are we really taking the time to, to really demonstrate for them how do you take care of yourself during a difficult time?
Dr. Carla Caturia [00:11:17]:
Right, yeah, yeah. And I think, you know, being of that same age group, it wasn't something that we were taught. And that's kind of why I bring it up so much because most of the parents that I work with are either on their journey, have done their work, or are doing their work. So it, it really. Parents are so emotionally invested that they're like, I've tried everything and they're just like yelling or they're, or they're like trying the same thing over and over again. And it could be scary to like try a new thing or to maybe be vulnerable and say, hey, I'm sorry, I overreacted in that situation. And then telling your child to, you know, you know, they feel validated, thank you. Or you know, if there is a high conflict situation going on, to, you know, really handle that emotion with your team first before you get into talking about the situation.
Dr. Carla Caturia [00:12:12]:
Because if everyone's at a high alert, nothing gets done. It just turns into something you didn't want it to turn into. So.
Leah Hadley [00:12:20]:
Sure. Yeah. And that's a great segue into my next question, which is what mistakes do well intentioned parents make that can unintentionally increase a child's stress or anxiety?
Dr. Carla Caturia [00:12:32]:
Yeah, yeah. I think it's. Sometimes it's almost caring too much, which isn't a problem, but it becomes a problem when, you know, we're just like, I told you this a million times or whatever, and understand there's frustration and there's tasks and there's things that need to get done. But I think also just like knowing is this the place and the time, is this conversation for now is, is this what my team even needs? So I think like a super simple strategy, and I kind of alluded to earlier was just asking them so they get it, they come home from school or whatever the situation is, and they're kind of unloading. And then it's just like instead of trying to fix everything instead of. Of lecturing, instead of getting angry. It's just, what do you need in this moment? Do you mean to celebrate you? Do you want some feedback and help? Do you have a solution of your own? Or do you just kind of want to do that? And then we'll talk about this in two hours. So I think that just having that emotional awareness, like reading the room as a parent, and that can be easy sometimes, and then other times you're so caught up in your stuff that you just.
Dr. Carla Caturia [00:13:38]:
You just can't help it but lash out or get or, you know. So nobody here is perfect in saying you can do this every time, but the more and more you shift how you interact, the. You know, even if it's just one different phrase every single day for this month, I'm going to use. And then little by little, like that becomes a habit, and that's just how you respond to your child. And then eventually, like, that just becomes your life and how your family interacts.
Leah Hadley [00:14:03]:
I know one of the things that I often hear from parents is, especially with teenagers and I think especially with teenage boys is just them struggling with lack of communication. Just like a complete shutdown in communication. They're not sure how to reach their teen. What would you suggest to those parents?
Dr. Carla Caturia [00:14:20]:
Yeah, I mean, I think be patient. There's that. Because frankly, half of it's. They're shutting down because of what. However the interactions have gone in the past. So, you know, maybe at fourth grade, fifth grade, sixth grade, everything's cool. And then something happens in seventh grade, and now they clam up. And part of it, they just want to be with their friends, and they kind of want to be in the room and be on their own as well.
Dr. Carla Caturia [00:14:44]:
But I think, you know, the easiest thing to do to start off with is just if you're in the car, you know, and you. And it's. Everything's in a good zone. Meaning, like, everyone's happy, everyone's doing a preferred activity, whatever it might be, is the best time to kind of, like, touch on something lightly. So, you know, a lot of times when everything's going good, we're like, everything's going good, there's no problems. And then an hour later, there's a fight. So it's in that moment, can you kind of poke at it a little bit and you kind of, you know, feel it out. But I think it comes down to also creating that safe space so your team can feel heard.
Dr. Carla Caturia [00:15:25]:
And eventually that thing, it might just be one thing, but can come up. So, I mean, for example, I was working with a mom and a daughter, and the daughter was like, doing really poor in school, just like she was in middle school. And her mom was like, I don't understand it. She's so smart, you know, why is she getting these Fs? Indeed, it was just terrible. And I talked to her daughter, and her daughter mentioned something that her mom said years ago in the kitchen. She could remember this scenario. And the mom was like, oh, I didn't even remember saying that. Didn't know that.
Dr. Carla Caturia [00:15:56]:
And I was like, this isn't your fault, but this is to show you that she internalized something that was said and now it has been affecting her all these years. So it's digging down to that potential thing that may have happened and the reason subconsciously behind why they're clamming up. It isn't just because you're annoying and you're a parent and, you know, they don't like you. Really. I mean, that's not it. It may have been something such as that that they need to work through. So it can be difficult. You might not know that.
Dr. Carla Caturia [00:16:29]:
And that takes some work for your teen and for you as well. Yeah.
Leah Hadley [00:16:33]:
Okay. That's a great example. You know, I know a lot of parents over the years who I've talked to who have kind of struggled with, at what point to kind of back off when their kids are struggling with school as a result of their divorce. Right. There's a lot of change happening in the family. Maybe the parent isn't consistently sending the kid to school or sending the kid to school on time. There are a lot of things that are, you know, changing with the family dynamics. And a lot of times, kids, grades slip, you know, just with all the changes that are going on.
Leah Hadley [00:17:06]:
And I know some parents are kind of like, well, that's where we're at right now, and this is a tough time. And some parents are like, well, we can't let that happen. And I'm curious, kind of what you would say to those parents who are in that position.
Dr. Carla Caturia [00:17:17]:
Yeah, yeah. I mean, like you said, it's case by case. There is no right or wrong answer yet. What's most important, And I think it's centered on the values of the family. So you know your kid best if it's been a year already and you kind of can see that your kid's over it, but just lagging behind and using it as a crutch. Okay, then that, you know, that's obviously. But I think, yes, there Needs to be some grace as to there's this emotional situation. You reach out to the school, you know, hey, this is happening.
Dr. Carla Caturia [00:17:50]:
Please, please give them a little extra time on assignments, whatever it might be. But I also think, yeah, it shouldn't be an excuse for not showing up for yourself. So I think if a family is going through a divorce, is mom and dad are on the same page as far as the kids are concerned, that obviously can be difficult. Yet it comes down to what's best from them. When I was a principal, it was teacher wanted this, parent wanted this, this, teacher wanted that. And it comes down to like, well, what's best for that student. So then it comes down to what's best for your child and with that being said, what's best for your family. So if your family values, you know, showing up for yourself and consistently getting A's and B's, okay, well how can I as a parent support them to continue this as consistently as possible while still handling the emotional side? So again, you kind of might need to reach out for support for that, like with the school, with a coach like myself, someone that can support your child through it in addition to you.
Dr. Carla Caturia [00:18:57]:
So I think again, and then it's, well, what is your family value? Like if, if they are struggling with history and they've always struggled with history, you know, does this really have to do with the divorce or is this, you know.
Leah Hadley [00:19:10]:
Right.
Dr. Carla Caturia [00:19:11]:
So. And a lot of families I work with are, you know, they're, they value education, yet you know, that isn't the be all and end all of everything that their child support experiencing at this moment. But no, I don't think it should. It should. I think the emotional support around getting your child through the situation is going to then in turn help them, grades wise.
Leah Hadley [00:19:41]:
Yeah, I think you, you said some really important things there. But one thing that I really want to highlight is that there are other supports out there. Right. Like sometimes people don't even think about reaching out to the school and let them know what's going on. You know, some of the parents that we work with have kids in private schools. With the finances changing a lot of times they need to contact the school to talk about tuition and what adjustments might be available and things like that. And so when it's like smack in your face a lot of times it's like, oh, well, we need to handle this. But we might not always be recognizing that there are other supports in our kids lives and it doesn't all have to fall on us.
Leah Hadley [00:20:18]:
Right. I remember I was talking with my youngest, we've had some family stuff going on over the last couple of years. And I said to him, I was like, do you want to talk to somebody? And he says, mom, I talk to somebody all the time. And there's a particular teacher at his school that he is close with, who he talks to all the time. He's been a wonderful support for him. And all I could think was, thank God, right? Like, thank God this woman exists and has, like, made this connection with him and. And he's gotten this support. But, like, I hadn't even thought to reach out to the school before we had that conversation.
Leah Hadley [00:20:47]:
So I'm curious. Obviously, you are phenomenal support, but where else might parents find some additional help?
Dr. Carla Caturia [00:20:54]:
Yeah, I mean, they can. So. So, like, I run my business through social media, so social media is a good place, and you have to be careful of what you're. What you're. What you're looking because your kids have access to the same thing. So I think, you know, reaching out on some. On the Internet somewhere, I think going to the school and asking for references as well can be great, depending on if you go to a private school. A lot of my kids are on online school.
Dr. Carla Caturia [00:21:21]:
They do their activities during the day, so that may or may not be an option. Speaking with other parents that, you know, have either gone through something similar or have this. This. Have had a similar situation. I think what you said about that one teacher is fantastic. Like, the goal always as an administrator in school is to have every kid at least have one adult that they can go to. And thankfully, you know, your. Your son had that.
Dr. Carla Caturia [00:21:47]:
So I mean, there's a lot of ways, you know, just looking it up and. And vetting it for yourself and going on their website or going on their social media and kind of. You have to feel it out. And a lot of times what I say to parents is like, just go on a call with me quick. You know, 20 minutes can just be okay. I really liked her. This is awesome. Let's give it a shot.
Dr. Carla Caturia [00:22:10]:
Or. I don't know if it's for us right now, but we'll keep it in mind. So it just, you know, sometimes you need to kind of. It's like when you. You. I don't know, when you're buying a new house or you're going. When you're taking your kids to a new school, it's like you kind of want to go on campus, feel the vibe when you're, like, when they're going to college, same kind of thing. Like, ah, feel out this person.
Dr. Carla Caturia [00:22:28]:
So it might be therapy, it might be coaching. It depends upon the, the situation, what your, what your family might need in that moment. It might be both. A lot of my kids have both. A lot of my kids have a therapist in me as well, depending on the situation. So yeah, there's a lot of resources out there. There's a lot of free resources too. YouTube, a lot of.
Dr. Carla Caturia [00:22:51]:
I put out a lot of videos, people put out a lot of videos that can kind of like start you on that quest for personal development. But yeah, there's a lot out there.
Leah Hadley [00:23:01]:
Fantastic. So what is one message about identity, emotional health or resilience that you wish every child of divorce could hear?
Dr. Carla Caturia [00:23:11]:
Yeah, so I think identity really drives behavior. So I think when you kind of spoke about the, the grades question. So like, do you pressure them to do it? To an extent you have to keep on them. But is all that pressure going to help them build that identity or are they just going to continue that behavior? You can't motivate them, you know, how can, how can they learn to be self motivated? So I think it's really seeing them at the next level of where you want to be them to be. So I understand so and so that you're going through this right now. Like we're all going through this. Yeah, I know who you are. You know what, you know, lining out all the, all the things, all the qualities you see in them.
Dr. Carla Caturia [00:23:57]:
And you've gone through hard things before such as your grandpa dying or whatever it might be. And we're giving you a little grace right now with grades and things like that, but we. This is where I see you. And you might not literally say this is where I see you, but you're kind of, you're, you're letting them borrow the belief in themselves that they don't have right now from you. So instead of saying I believe in you, you're not going to say that they're like, they're going to roll their eyes but you know, but allowing them through the evidence that you give them about themselves, they start to, to see like, oh yeah, I kind of, I am pretty good at this. And they start to believe it because you do. Yeah.
Leah Hadley [00:24:39]:
Fantastic. So I know that there are lots of people who are listening to this interview who are struggling, who are going to want to connect with you in some way. Dr. Carla, where is the best place for people to reach you?
Dr. Carla Caturia [00:24:52]:
Yeah, social media is the most, the easiest place. It's just. Dr. Carla Caturia on Instagram Facebook and yeah, send me a message. I'd love to connect if you just want to follow along and look at some of my videos for value, absolutely. So, yeah, that's the easiest way to get in touch with me.
Leah Hadley [00:25:11]:
And Dr. Carla has very generously offered a complimentary coaching session for those who are interested in connecting with her and learning more about her services. So we will be sure to include links to her social media as well as to schedule a call with her if you're interested in doing that in the show notes. So be sure to check those out. Any final words that you have for our audience today?
Dr. Carla Caturia [00:25:32]:
Yeah, for, you know, for parents, like, it's, you're going through it too, and they're going through it so there's no perfection. Have grace with yourself. If you try one new strategy this week, that's, that's a win. If there's one thing you want to do differently for yourself and take a bubble bath, wonderful. So, you know, nobody's perfect. Everybody is going through something and know that you're not alone and it is okay to take care of yourself and it's okay to reach out for help.
Leah Hadley [00:26:02]:
Absolutely. Beautifully said. Thank you so much for being here with us today and for our listeners. Thank you for joining us and we will see you next week. Thank you for joining me on Intentional Divorce Insights. It's a privilege to share this time with you. I hope each episode offers valuable guidance to navigate your journey. If you find our content helpful, please leave a review to help others discover the benefits of intentional decision making in Divorce Divorced.
Leah Hadley [00:26:29]:
Until next time, take care and continue to embrace your path with intention.
