Leah Hadley [00:00:01]:
Welcome to Intentional Divorce Insights. I'm Leah Hadley, certified divorce financial analyst, accredited financial counselor, and the founder of Intentional Divorce Solutions. I'll be your guide through the complexities of divorce, finance, and emotional wellness. Join me as we uncover practical tips and empowering insights to help you navigate your divorce with clarity and intention. Welcome back to Intentional Divorce Insights. I am so happy that you are here. We have a wonderful guest with us today. Anastasia holds a degree in elementary education from Appalachian State University, a master of arts in counseling from North Carolina Central University, and a postmaster cert certificate in couples and family counseling from UNC Greensboro.
Leah Hadley [00:00:49]:
With 5 years as a middle school teacher and 9 years as an elementary school counselor, she became a registered play therapist in 2014. And since 2022, she has been coaching parents to create a healthy mindset and a balanced family system. She is bringing a wealth of knowledge as it relates to helping children and families. Welcome, Anastasia. Thank you so much for being with us today.
Anastasia Arauz [00:01:14]:
You're welcome, and thank you, Leah, for having me. I'm excited to be here.
Leah Hadley [00:01:17]:
Fantastic. So today, we're talking about how to make the divorce as healthy as possible for the children. And for a lot of people, that may sound like an oxymoron. So Anastasia, tell us kinda what what you think of that.
Anastasia Arauz [00:01:32]:
Yeah. And it sounds like that. Yes. I agree. We all want our kids to be healthy mentally, physically through the divorce process. But a lot of times, our emotions can get caught up in the mix. And so what I noticed with parents at times is it's really hard to separate their emotions from the divorce when they're dealing with the kids. And so one of my big things I really try to help parents through, because I don't necessarily think they're doing it on purpose, is really being conscious about what they're talking about, how they're feeling anytime it relates to the divorce.
Leah Hadley [00:02:10]:
That's so important. How can parents effectively communicate with their children about the divorce to kinda minimize that confusion and fear that's so common?
Anastasia Arauz [00:02:20]:
I think being honest and also thinking about where they are developmentally. If you have kids, you know that they're all different At different ages, they can, hear things differently. They need to know things differently. When they're very young, it's really important to think about how much you're telling them. And I always tell parents, really with any age, let children let you guide the conversation. Don't feel like you have to tell them everything. Don't feel like you have to share the every detail with them. They will let you know what they need to know and what they want to know and what they can handle.
Anastasia Arauz [00:02:55]:
They don't even realize how much they can or can't handle, but their little brains will let you know what what they can handle and what is appropriate for them.
Leah Hadley [00:03:06]:
Is there anything that you could specifically identify that you would change, you know, if you're talking with a toddler versus maybe a preteen or a teenager?
Anastasia Arauz [00:03:15]:
Yeah. I think more limited when they're younger. Right? And so really sharing with them, when like, if it's a toddler, just we're living in different houses. Dad's living here. I'm living here. Really just being very brief and then just letting them even even a toddler can ask questions. And so really listening to what they're saying and only answering exactly what they ask you. Like, for example, am I going to have my own room at my dad's house? Yes.
Anastasia Arauz [00:03:44]:
You're gonna have your own room. You don't need to go into. It's gonna be a really small room. There isn't gonna be all the toys there. It's not gonna be in the neighborhood that we're you don't need to go into all that. It's really just answering the very specific question that you're asking. Same with the teenagers. I mean, really, they're gonna ask you more complicated questions, but it's also really hearing the specific question they're asking and only answering that part of it.
Anastasia Arauz [00:04:09]:
Because if not, they just become very overwhelmed. They can't handle it, and that's when you get in those spirals of confusion and just not really understanding why everything's happening.
Leah Hadley [00:04:19]:
And I can imagine how difficult that was because I know when I was going through my own divorce, I was going through mentally all of those rabbit holes. Right? And so to really listen and focus on what they're asking, that's something that you have to do really consciously.
Anastasia Arauz [00:04:36]:
Yes. You do. Because your emotions are so caught up in everything. And so, yeah, it's hard. It's challenging. I really have worked with parents even on just, like, mindfulness and really just getting very, present and conscious in their own body connection, mind, brain, body connection. That helps a lot. I do a lot of work with that.
Leah Hadley [00:04:56]:
Excellent. What strategies can parents use to maintain a sense of stability and routine for their children during and after the divorce process?
Anastasia Arauz [00:05:06]:
That's very, very important, and I think being very clear and very structured and having a lot of boundaries. Here again, kids love, love consistency. They love structure. They love boundaries. And if you start missing times you're supposed to picking up or coming in a different day or not being very clear on what the schedule and routine is, that's gonna throw your child off, and you're gonna end up having behavior problems or a lot of emotions. And so if you decide with your partner or your, ex spouse what the plan is, you have to stick to the plan. And if you notice the partner's not doing that, really, really holding those boundaries and being very clear about why you set them up in the first place. And it's for the health of the child because they can't they're little.
Anastasia Arauz [00:05:55]:
Their brains and their bodies just can't handle when those things are not set up. And it's gonna what's it's gonna be what's best for them is really having and for you. Because if you know exactly what's happening, it's gonna keep your week a lot calmer and more easy easier for you to just stay grounded.
Leah Hadley [00:06:14]:
Are there any specific routines that you recommend people take a look at?
Anastasia Arauz [00:06:18]:
It's really each family is so different. So whatever works for your family. Right? Like, some people do the week on, the week off. They do the Wednesday and the Saturdays, and it's really what works for the children and what works for you. Like, I had one family I worked with that did where the parents stayed in the home and the or the kids stayed in the home and the parents rotated. That works for that family. But then I would have another family that would try it, and it didn't work. So it's really so individual to your family.
Anastasia Arauz [00:06:46]:
So I think really just talking with people, learning, like, all the different ways this can happen, and figuring out what works best for your family, for your family system.
Leah Hadley [00:06:58]:
And we did have a guest come on and talk about nesting, which is what you're referring to. So we'll include a link in the show notes for anybody who is considering, having the kids stay in the same spot and kind of rotating the parents in and out. Same thing, you know, that I've seen as well, Anastasia. Like, it can be wonderful. It can be wonderful situation, and it can have a lot of challenges and obstacles, and it's not for everybody. So it's important to know your family. Right?
Anastasia Arauz [00:07:26]:
It is. And communicating. Can you really having that communication? I've had another well, you don't really ask me about the parents. If they can communicate either through texting or there's apps that people can use a lot now too to help keep that schedule, like, fluid and flowing between both people.
Leah Hadley [00:07:45]:
Yeah. But communication is still critical for sure. Mhmm. How important is it for parents to avoid conflict in front of their children? And what are some techniques they can use to manage disagreements privately?
Anastasia Arauz [00:07:58]:
Exactly. Yeah. And I think it's important. And sometimes that might happen where you're gonna have an argument or some disagreement in front of them. And if that happens, it's okay. Give yourself grace. And one of the cool things about children is that they are quick to repair. Right? You can repair quickly.
Anastasia Arauz [00:08:15]:
They have it. It's not like us where we've had childhood trauma or divorce that we've sat with it for years years years. You're in the middle of it right now, so you can repair these things really quickly. So if you do have a conflict or an argument, just even a I'm so sorry we did that in front of you. That was not appropriate. Just really owning it, owning that, that was a really hard situation. I know that was really hard for you to hear. I wish it didn't go that way.
Anastasia Arauz [00:08:39]:
Next time, I'm gonna try harder to make sure I talk about it in a different way and talk about it privately. The ways parents can do that is really having your own space when you're talking to your partner, whether it be through communication like texting or even making sure that if you're do if you're having a conversation, doing it as much as, like, going out to the car to have that conversation. Kids hear every single thing in that house typically. You think the door is closed, they cannot hear you, they can hear you because then I hear the conversation you had. They tell me all about it. So really making sure you have that privacy to the point that you know what your kid's doing when you're on the phone. Maybe they're in the other side of the house watching TV and you know they cannot hear you. Just being very, very purposeful of when you're having that conversation and where it is.
Anastasia Arauz [00:09:28]:
Because whenever there's times of tense, there's times of, like, the problems and the conflict. Kids are even more their anxiety is up. Right? So they're apt to hear everything that is going on. So just being very conscious of where you're having these conversations.
Leah Hadley [00:09:46]:
It's such a good point. And, again, it's it sounds easy, but in practice, it's really difficult. Right? It means a lot of biting your tongue, I imagine.
Anastasia Arauz [00:09:56]:
Yes. It does. So yes. You can't yeah. You shouldn't say thing. And this is another thing that's really hard for parents is talking poorly about the other person. And even if you do it passive aggressively where you don't think the kids understand or you're doing it sarcastically, They understand, and they can feel the negative energy behind it. And so really biting your tongue, having that friend you can go to and just really, like, processing, going and having that time with them where you can be like, this person just having that person you can talk to about the problems, whether it be a therapist, a coach, a best friend, someone in your church community, whatever it is, really have your child is not that person.
Anastasia Arauz [00:10:38]:
Making sure you have the support that you need, and it's not the support is not around your kids.
Leah Hadley [00:10:44]:
Yeah. That's so important. And it's so easy when they're right there, and they know the person well to, you know, have them be that person that you lean on. But they really need you to be the more stable person in this situation.
Anastasia Arauz [00:10:59]:
And it's hard too, I think, as kids get older, especially when they're teens, because then they they get it. Right? But they still don't need to hear it. Even if they're 16, 17, they don't need to hear what's happening with you and your partner. This is really between you and your partner, and they need to stay out of it. Your your child is not your friend even when they're in their teens. They are your still child, and they you need the boundary.
Leah Hadley [00:11:27]:
So I bet there are some people who are listening who probably are not familiar with play therapy. Can you tell us, a little bit about what play therapy is?
Anastasia Arauz [00:11:36]:
Of course. So my background is in play therapy, and it can be done several ways. So first of all, it's about play is the way children express, use their language. Play is their language. Right? And that can be from ages birth to, I guess, 3rd grade, maybe 8 or 9. And, primarily, kids will do everything through play. As we get older, as we know, it becomes more verbal. We're able to talk about things more cognitively.
Anastasia Arauz [00:12:05]:
So with play therapy, what you're doing is basically using the toys, using the environment you're in as a therapist as a way to connect with the child. You're not asking them questions. You're not drilling them. You're just allowing the child the space they need, and you're meeting them where they are. You are giving them that time and space to literally sit there and express through playing. And it's funny. Sometimes I'll have parents, say, I don't get how just playing with my child is actually therapy. It is because they're getting that space that they need.
Anastasia Arauz [00:12:40]:
They need that break. They need to be able to play with those toys with someone that's trained in understanding why they're playing with the toy a certain way. And so there's a lot of reflecting. There's a lot of just listening. There's a it's just meeting the child where they are with the, toy they're playing with. And the other interesting thing about play therapy, if you decide to see a play therapist, is they have a certain set of toys that they're working with. They're not just going out and buying a Barbie toy playhouse and, Mickey Mouse toys and the latest things. There are specific toys we all have in our playroom that have specific meanings.
Anastasia Arauz [00:13:18]:
We go to school for it. There's extensive training. And I always tell parents, if you have a child that is really struggling with divorce, you're gonna wanna find a play therapist. If you're or if you want them to see a play there a therapist, really finding someone that is a registered play therapist because they have an extensive amount of training and supervision to help your child.
Leah Hadley [00:13:41]:
So what role can that professional support such as counseling or a play therapist play in helping children cope with their parents divorce?
Anastasia Arauz [00:13:51]:
It can help play a role in that, gives them extra support. Right? And then that therapist is able to then share with you how that support is helping them. And you're also gonna see it at home. You're gonna see the behaviors change. You're gonna see language change around things. You're gonna see just lively, relax because that child has that outlet. They have that special place to go with someone that is not part of the family. It's someone that's not directly related to anything that is happening, and they just have that safe space.
Anastasia Arauz [00:14:22]:
And they can and that person's meeting them where they are. They're allowed to be exactly who they are. They're not having to play a role that they sometimes might have to play in the home, especially when you're in such a tense situation like a divorce. And so it's just that really special place of support for that child.
Leah Hadley [00:14:40]:
Fantastic. And I know you were an elementary counselor for quite some time. I'm curious what you saw in kids at school when they were going through a divorce.
Anastasia Arauz [00:14:50]:
It's hard because there's so much going on at home, and then we expect them to come to school and sit down and read and do their math and have friends and eat lunch and be happy. And one really cool thing about kids is that they're so present all the time. They're able to leave stuff at home a lot, but sometimes they can't because it can be such an intense situation. Their brains just can't handle taking on more. They can't handle the reading. They can't focus because they have all the other stuff going on. So it's really important to think about if your child's grades do drop or they are struggling in school. There's a reason that that's happening and really identifying the root.
Anastasia Arauz [00:15:28]:
Is it the divorce? Is it the stress of what's happening between the parents? Is it moving? Is it selling the house? Is it changing schools? It can be so many things. And so really just giving the child that grace and that empathy and the support that they need because it's hard. It's hard for us as adults when we're going through a divorce, let alone a child because all they know is their parents. And whether and this is one thing I learned working in the schools that was just when I was a beginning baby counselor. I would hear these stories from the child of what's happened. This parent physically abused me, emotionally abused me, all these things. And I'm thinking in my mind, how can this child want to hang out with that person? Right? And they do. That parent can be in jail.
Anastasia Arauz [00:16:15]:
That parent could have beat the crap out of them. They're still going to love that parent. So really giving your child that space to know it's okay that you love your dad or your mom if they have done something to you, but it's also okay to have boundaries. And so giving that child that space to know that they can be in who they are and feel the way that they wanna feel.
Leah Hadley [00:16:41]:
Sure. And how do you recommend that families communicate with the schools when they're having this big change of their family?
Anastasia Arauz [00:16:48]:
That's such a good question. I'm glad you ask it because it is really important to communicate with them. And so I would definitely let your teacher know what's going on if, you can. And I would do that either by going in, doing it through an email, really staying connected with the school, especially if they're in elementary school or middle school, because those are the they are gonna need probably a little more support with the school. High school kids need support, but it looks different. And so they might have one teacher because they're gonna have so many teachers. They might have one teacher, but, really, with the elementary, middle kids, connecting with maybe the teacher, the school counselor, letting them know what's happening. You might not want to let them know initially because you're having a hard time even coming to terms with it.
Anastasia Arauz [00:17:32]:
But, eventually, if you're noticing it's affecting them in school, letting them know so they get why your child has changed or struggling.
Leah Hadley [00:17:40]:
Yeah. Such good advice. Anastasia, this has been so wonderful, so much good information that you shared with us. I really appreciate it. Where can people find out more about you?
Anastasia Arauz [00:17:52]:
Sure. Of course. So I hang up mostly on Instagram. It's anastasia.aruz, and, that's where most of my stuff is. You can also look at my website. It's anastasiaaruzcoaching with all the information there. But, yeah, typically, just Instagram, you can send me a DM or on my website.
Leah Hadley [00:18:09]:
Fantastic. And you have a free resource for our audience. Do you wanna talk a little bit about that?
Anastasia Arauz [00:18:14]:
Yes. I have a technology guide, which is actually pretty cool. It will give you a lot of information on how to limit and keep a boundary around technology, which is really helpful when you're going through divorce because technology can be something that kids really get sucked into in regards to games, TV, any of it, just the iPad. So both parents being able to have some limitations, some brown juice set around that, that are the same if possible. If they're different, that's okay. But whatever the boundaries are, just let the kids know, this guide will help you figure out how that can look and what that would look like for your family.
Leah Hadley [00:18:52]:
I love that for having both parents have the same guide. So just a reference, you know, because I know that's a challenge in our own family, and I have to imagine it's a challenge in a lot of other families as well.
Anastasia Arauz [00:19:03]:
It is.
Leah Hadley [00:19:06]:
Well, Anastasia, again, I so thank you for being with us today. For our listeners, we will see you next week.
Anastasia Arauz [00:19:13]:
Thank you for having me.
Leah Hadley [00:19:14]:
Thank you for joining me on Intentional Divorce Insights. It's a privilege to share this time with you. I hope each episode offers valuable guidance to navigate your journey. If you find our content helpful, please leave a review to help others discover the benefits of intentional decision making in divorce. Until next time, take care and continue to embrace your path with intention.
