Leah Hadley [00:00:01]:
Welcome to Intentional Divorce Insights. I'm Leah Hadley, certified divorce financial analyst, accredited financial counselor, and the founder of Intentional Divorce Solutions. I'll be your guide through the complexities of divorce finance and emotional wellness. Join me as we uncover practical tips and empowering insights to help you navigate your divorce with clarity and intention.
Leah Hadley [00:00:24]:
Hi there. Welcome back to a new season of Intentional Divorce Insights. We are so happy that you are here with us today. I know that if you are listening to this podcast, you're probably going through a pretty difficult time right now. And I just want to start by saying it is completely okay to feel overwhelmed. It's. It's okay to feel lost. The world seems to talk about divorce in very clinical terms.
Leah Hadley [00:00:53]:
It's about legal fees and who gets the house. And probably heard numbers turn around on the average cost of divorce being somewhere around $20,000, but that it can easily skyrocket from there. Right. But that's just the price of admission. The numbers don't even begin to tell the real story. Now, you may have thought about what's that attorney going to cost me? But have you thought about the income hit you may take over the next couple of years as your career potentially stalls? Or the friendships that may quietly fade away, leaving a silence that can almost feel deafening. Right? A bad divorce has these deep hidden costs that can ripple through your life long after the divorce is over. So today, my goal is to pull back the curtain.
Leah Hadley [00:01:47]:
Not to scare you, but to arm you with awareness. We're going to talk honestly about 5 very devastating costs of divorce that a lot of people just aren't talking about. And I want you to be aware. After digging into countless stories and real data, I have found that the costs that really blindside people are ones that don't ever show up on a legal bill. They're the quiet thieves that erode your social life. They sabotage your career. They drain your bank account in ways that you may not think about, and they leave a lasting mark on your family and sometimes even your health. So knowing what they are is not about dwelling on the negative, but I want to be very clear about that.
Leah Hadley [00:02:35]:
It's just the first, most crucial step to really protecting your future and your peace of mind. So the first one we're going to talk about is a cross that's deeply personal and often can really be very, very painful for a lot of people. And that's the social fallout when a couple splits. It can be like a small earthquake. Right? The social circle you built together can feel like it's at the epicenter and then it shatters. The friends you share, the ones you hosted for those cookouts or celebrating New Year's, are often forced into like a very uncomfortable position. And it's, it's usually not about malice,
Leah Hadley [00:03:19]:
it's usually more about awkwardness. They don't want to choose sides, but by trying not to, they inadvertently do end up choosing sides. Sometimes you start seeing those invitations to parties or to dinners dry up, right? You may see a picture on social media of a get together that you would have been at. And the pang of being left out is hurtful, right? People who want your confidence, who you shared your deepest secrets with, suddenly can feel very distant. They don't know what to say, so they often don't say anything. And this silence, it can feel like judgment, even when it's just discomfort. And this isn't just a loss in your social life. It's.
Leah Hadley [00:04:07]:
It can be a real profound form of isolation that arrives at the exact moment when you are feeling the most need for connection and for support. You're grieving the loss of your marriage. And simultaneously for a lot of you, you may be grieving the loss of your community. And it does extend beyond friends, right? Family dynamics can become incredibly strained and complicated. Your in laws, who may have been like a second set of parents to you, may now see you only as a source of their own child's pain, right? The weekly phone calls might stop. The easy familiar warmth can be replaced with more of a chill. Even your own family may not fully understand what you're going through now. They may offer some well meaning, but complete, completely unhelpful advice like you just need to get back out there.
Leah Hadley [00:05:06]:
Or worse, they may pass judgment questioning the decisions that led you to where you are now. This breakdown of trust and support, it can leave you feeling like you're on an island. The identity that you had as part of a couple or as a son or daughter in law, as part of a social unit, it all is disrupted. You're left to figure out who you are in this new solitary landscape. And that is the part nobody warns you about. You won't just be rebuilding a life. You may find yourself in a situation where you have to rebuild your entire social world from scratch. And that can feel very scary right now.
Leah Hadley [00:05:52]:
The second hidden cost is the silent career killer. The heavy toll on your professional life. Now, we all like to believe that we can a solid wall between our personal struggles and our work. But a difficult divorce, there just are no boundaries, right? That emotional turmoil doesn't just stay at home. It packs a bag. It follows you into the office every single day, sits with you in meetings. It can distract you at your desk and it exhausts you before you've even finished your first cup of coffee. Right? Think about it in real terms.
Leah Hadley [00:06:31]:
How can you possibly give your full attention to a complex quarterly report when you are mentally rehearsing what you're going to say in your custody hearing tomorrow? Right? How do you project confidence and lead a team meeting when you spent the entire night before arguing about finances over a text? It just can feel impossible. And for so many people, productivity just takes a nosedive. Deadlines that were once manageable now can feel monumental. Small mistakes creep into your work. You may find yourself passed over for a promotion or for a key project because your boss senses correctly that you're just not performing at your peak. Right now your mind is elsewhere and it's consumed by the fear and anxiety of all the transition. Right? This isn't just about having like a few off days, days. Talking about a prolonged period of decreased productivity that often leads to a very real, very tangible hit to income.
Leah Hadley [00:07:35]:
Now maybe you miss out on a performance based bonus that you used to count on. Or maybe the stress becomes so overwhelming you have to take a step back, refusing extra responsibilities that would have led to growth. The worst cases, people find their job security is at risk. I mean, you can become known as the person who's going through something and that label can stick, right? The emotional weight of divorce drains that precious mental and creative energy that you really need to be able to compete, to be able to innovate and to really excel professionally. It's an invisible full time job that you actually have to perform on top of your regular job, right? So you're not just dissolving a marriage. You could potentially be stalling your career at the very moment when financial stability and self sufficiency are more important than ever before. And the professional setback generally isn't going to be temporary. I mean, it can take years to recover.
Leah Hadley [00:08:43]:
In some cases long, long after the ink has dried on your divorce decree. All right, now let's talk about the big one, and that's money. And no, I don't just mean the checks that you're writing to the attorney. That's going to be our most visible cost, the one that everyone talks about. But true, long term financial devastation of a bad divorce often lies in like the thousand little things that you don't even see coming. Those legal fees are just like the tip of a very Large and very expensive iceberg, right? Did your lawyer mention you may need a forensic accountant to trace hidden assets? If you suspect your spouse isn't being truthful, that may be the case. And a forensic accountant does not come cheap. That can cost several thousand dollars.
Leah Hadley [00:09:35]:
And did they tell you you need a professional appraiser to value the family home or any collectibles, artwork, significant assets? That's more bills, right? And what about that special legal document called a quadro or a qualified domestic relations order? It's what you need if you are dividing a ERISA governed retirement plan such as a 401k in order to avoid any major tax penalties, right? That also has a cost. Then there's the massive, overwhelming cost of starting an entirely new life from scratch. You know, you're not just finding a place to live. You may be, you might be looking at paying a security deposit, maybe your first and last month's rent. You might be paying utility hookups, fees for, you know, electricity, gas, Internet. You may be buying just about everything to furnish your new place, right? From a couch and a bed to a coffee maker, you are furnishing an entire household. So even if you stay in your home, if your ex spouse took a lot of the items from that home, you're still going to have to furnish those items again, right? The financial hits come in a lot of subtle ways. Suddenly that multi car or multi line insurance discount that you had for years, it's going to go away.
Leah Hadley [00:11:00]:
That family cell phone plan now might become more expensive as an individual plan. Even that married filing jointly tax status, that often provides a significant benefit, it can actually lead to a larger tax bill at the end of the year. If your personal income hasn't changed, kind of can feel like you're getting a pay cut really. But one of the biggest and most painful shocks is that division of assets and debts. In most states, property is divided equitably, which is a legal term that does not mean a clean 5050 split, right? And this includes not just your assets, but also your debt. So you could walk away legally responsible for half of a credit card bill that you never even knew about that was run up by your spouse. These financial landmines can upend your life for a decade or more, impacting everything from your credit score to your ability to buy a car, to your retirement timeline. Right now the next cause I want to talk about is arguably the most heartbreaking.
Leah Hadley [00:12:08]:
And it's the one that every parent hopes to avoid, right? And that is the lasting impact of a high Conflict, divorce on your children. Now, while your ex, you and your ex are the ones that are legally splitting, right? It's often the kids who carry the heaviest and most confusing emotional weight. You know, from their perspective, their entire world, their foundation of safety and stability is cracking. And they can feel caught in a loyalty bind, right? Torn between the two people they love most in the world. They can feel overwhelmed by sadness or a deep seated anxiety about the future and in some cases a profound sense of abandonment. Now, this emotional turmoil, it doesn't just stay in their heads. It can show up in other parts of their lives. You may see their grades slip.
Leah Hadley [00:13:01]:
A child who wants love school might become withdrawn or disruptive. You may notice that pulling away from their friends or quitting activities they used to enjoy, sometimes younger children, you might see them regress sweating the bed or throwing tantrums. Teenagers may act out in riskier ways. Now, they're not trying to be difficult. They're trying to process something that is a monumental event that has really changed their sense of security. The long term effects can be even more profound. Research consistently shows that it's not the act of divorcing itself that causes the most damage. Let's say that again, it is not the act of divorcing itself that causes the most damage, but the children's exposure to ongoing bitter parental conflict.
Leah Hadley [00:13:52]:
Children who grow up in the crossfire of a high conflict divorce are at a greater risk of lower self esteem, anxiety disorders, significant trouble forming their own healthy, secure relationships. Later in life, when the kids are used as pawns, they're forced to carry these angry messages between parents. Or when they're made to witness constant hostility, it can create deep feelings of guilt. They can really internalize that conflict with believing that it's somehow their fault. This experience can fundamentally shape their entire worldview. On love, on trust, on family. And so generational cost, right? A ripple effect that can extend far into your kid's future, influencing the parents and partners they will one day become. So protecting them from the conflict is not just a short term goal, but it really is a gift for your family and for their future selves.
Leah Hadley [00:14:56]:
And finally, I want to talk about the cost to you. Not your wallet, not your career, but the very real toll on your long term emotional and physical health. Now, a bad divorce, a high conflict divorce is not a single stressful event. It's a chronic stressor. It is a prolonged chronic crisis that can really keep your nervous system on high al, on high alert for, for months and in some cases even years. Your body doesn't know the difference between being chased by a predator and being in a constant state of that legal and emotional conflict. Just knows. Survival mode, right? And that has very real consequences.
Leah Hadley [00:15:41]:
The emotional fallout often mirrors the stages of grief, right? Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. But when a divorce is an especially bitter and drawn out battle, it can get stuck, right? It can trigger severe mental health challenges. The risk of developing clinical depression and anxiety increases dramatically during and after a contentious divorce. The constant conflict, the relentless money worries, the social isolation that we talked about, it's really like a perfect storm for profound emotional distress. And that intense mental and emotional strain takes a very physical toll. This was something surprised me in the work that I do. But chronic stress wreaks havoc on your body. We're talking about a weakened immune system, which is why you may find yourself getting sick all the time.
Leah Hadley [00:16:45]:
It can lead to high blood pressure, it can lead to digestive issues, chronic insomnia. Over the long term, it can significantly increase the risk of very serious conditions, even like heart disease. You're so focused on just surviving the legal fight, on getting through the day that you let your own hope, your own health slide right into last place. You may stop exercising, you may not be eating well, maybe you're living on caffeine and adrenaline. I know I did during my divorce, but it's a lot, right? And for most people, they're not going to be getting enough sleep during this time either. The battle is to redefine your identity, right? To find your footing and to rebuild your self esteem. And that's going to be a marathon, not a sprint, right? It takes time and it takes energy that you may not feel like you have right now. So this long term health cost is perhaps the most insidious of all the ones I've talked about because ultimately can determine the quality of the life that you'll get to live once everything is finally settled from your divorce.
Leah Hadley [00:18:01]:
And your healing journal is the final unwritten invoice of your divorce. And it's the one that matters the most. So after going through all this, what's the point? Is it to leave you feeling scared or hopeless? Of course not, right? The complete opposite is true. The purpose of bringing up these topics and the hidden costs of divorce is really to arm you and to empower you, right? The hidden cost, the social, the professional, the financial, the impact on your children, the toll on your health are so devastating precisely because they're unexpected. So they're the things that blindside you when, when you're already feeling down, right? But now you can address them head on. Awareness is going to be your single greatest asset right now. By understanding the true holistic cost of a high conflict or bad divorce, you can start preparing not just legally but emotionally and practically right. You can proactively seek out, whether it's a therapist or a support group or a divorce coach to really help combat that loneliness.
Leah Hadley [00:19:16]:
You can have honest, preemptive conversations at work about some of the challenges that you're facing in terms of financial preparation. You can build a personal budget that really accounts for more than just the legal fees, but one that really looks at what is the cost of setting up my new life. And most importantly, you can make a cautious, excuse me, a conscious daily effort to minimize conflict, especially when kids are involved. Because now you really understand the long term stakes. Now, of course, divorce is an ending. There's no question about that. And it can be painful and it can be incredibly costly in ways that go far beyond money. But it doesn't have to be the end of your story.
Leah Hadley [00:20:04]:
It can be the beginning of a really beautiful new chapter. By understanding these challenges, you can navigate them with your eyes wide open. Not as a victim of circumstance, but really putting yourself in the driver's seat. This isn't just about surviving divorce. It's about making it on the other side, right? Having the emotional, social, the financial resources to build a new life. And one that you feel good about, right? One that is stronger, one where you're wiser and maybe for the first time, one that you are entirely on your own. Now we know that we will not allow you to be alone through this process. We provide all kinds of resources to make sure that you're not going through this in isolation, that you have support, whether it's through the podcast or through our blog posts.
Leah Hadley [00:21:03]:
I just want to reiterate the fact that you are not alone. We are here to support you. No knowing these hidden costs going in Eyes Wide Open can help you make better decisions through the process to really prepare you for that next step in your life.
Leah Hadley [00:21:22]:
Thank you for joining me on Intentional Divorce Insights. It's a privilege to share this time with you. I hope each episode offers valuable guidance to navigate your journey. If you find our content helpful, please leave a review to help others discover the benefits of of intentional decision making in divorce. Until next time, take care and continue to embrace your path with intention.
