Leah Hadley [00:00:01]:
Welcome to Intentional Divorce Insights. I'm Leah Hadley, certified divorce financial analyst, accredited financial counselor, and the founder of Intentional Divorce Solutions. I'll be your guide through the complexities of divorce finance and emotional wellness. Join me as we uncover practical tips and empowering insights to help you navigate your divorce with clarity and intention. Welcome back to the Intentional Divorce Insights. I am so happy that you are here with us today. I have a wonderful guest who I had the pleasure of meeting just last month at an event that I attended in Florida. It was an event that was hosted by Kelly Roach, and I was sitting near Tracy at lunch, hearing her talk about her story, and I was like, oh, my gosh, Tracy, you have to be on my podcast, because I just found her story to be so inspiring.
Leah Hadley [00:00:51]:
So it is my pleasure to introduce Tracy O' Malley, who is one of the leading experts in the Enneagram and. And a powerhouse leadership strategist. She has been the trusted advisor to top executives at Google, YouTube, Amazon, John Deere, you name it. She knows how to help leaders and teams communicate better, perform stronger, and lead with purpose. A former multimillion dollar sales leader turned transformational coach, Tracy has guided over 100,000 people to breakthrough results in both business and in life. Known for her no fluff approach and deep insight into human behavior, Tracy helps people unlock their potential, strengthen relationships, and create lasting success from the inside out. Welcome, Tracy.
Tracy O'Malley [00:01:37]:
Thank you so much. Honored to be here.
Leah Hadley [00:01:39]:
Oh, it is my absolute pleasure to have you tell us a little bit about your background.
Tracy O'Malley [00:01:45]:
You know, as you're reading the bio, like, yes, that is me today. But 17 years ago, when I was going through my divorce, I did not have that skill set. And I was filled with resentment, anger, and I did not know how to release it. And I could see the effect of that on my kids, who were, you know, nine, ten at the time. And I was so desperate to find a way to let go of the resentment. And the Enneagram kind of fell into my life. I came into it kicking and screaming, wanted nothing to do with it. I was with my therapist and I'm like, just help me fix this.
Tracy O'Malley [00:02:33]:
And she introduced me to the Enneagram. And yeah, at a time in my life where things were not going great, I was about three years, four years post divorce, and the resentment was eating away at me and my kids. And so I was kind of desperate and this was not exactly what I expected. So I fell into it and used it to transform the culture in my home. And then saw how powerful that was, and now I have a career doing it.
Leah Hadley [00:03:12]:
So for those who are listening, who might be like me, who have limited information about the Enneagram or maybe have never heard of it before, tell us a little bit about it, Tracy. Why is it such a powerful tool?
Tracy O'Malley [00:03:23]:
You know, there's a lot of tools on it, and I'm a 'what's in it for me?' kind of girl, you know, with my therapist, Nancy, I'm like, why do I need to know this? And it really helps you understand why we do what we do at a, like, soul level and also a behavioral level. You know, we have the nature, nurture thing, and I know we have this divine wiring, and then we're dropped into life situations, divorces, that can alter the expression of that. And this provided me a roadmap to understand myself, my responses, and how other people might respond to me in a way that could help me and help them. And when I was learning about it, the first thing I noticed was, like, oh, shoot, I speak one language, and I'm raising two kids that have very different languages than me. And no matter how well intended I was, it wouldn't land. And so I became very passionate about learning. Learning my language at a deeper level and theirs. And just that integration of it changed the culture in my home overnight.
Tracy O'Malley [00:04:44]:
And although I could not control what their Dad was doing, the things that I loved and didn't love, I could keep my side of the street clean and also guide my kids on their road. It's beautiful. It's a beautiful tool.
Leah Hadley [00:05:02]:
Absolutely. How old were your kids when you went through a divorce?
Tracy O'Malley [00:05:06]:
They were 9 and 10. Yeah. And, you know, it was after the recession. Like, I was literally going through the divorce in 2008, you know, recession. We had a business together. They were at a really crucial age, you know, and I was just angry.
Leah Hadley [00:05:27]:
Yeah. Well, and I'll tell you what. I was not doing this work back then. I was an equity research analyst at that time. But looking back and just knowing my own personal situation, we bought our house in 2007, and then, you know, housing prices just fell apart. Now, I didn't get divorced until, like, I want to say, 2015, something like that, but our house had not returned to its original value. I mean, that was a very difficult time for people who were going through a divorce. A lot of times people like us were underwater at their mortgage and kind of stuck with their house, like, not trying to figure out, like, who gets to keep the house, but who is stuck with the house.
Leah Hadley [00:06:06]:
Right.
Tracy O'Malley [00:06:07]:
Or lost it, like, I did.
Leah Hadley [00:06:08]:
Okay, so tell us more about that, Tracy.
Tracy O'Malley [00:06:11]:
Yeah, I mean, we had had a thriving business together, and we were doing great until we weren't. And then the divorce happened, and like you said, like, you know, we had an SBA loan on the house and so lost everything. So not only was I mad about the marriage stuff, I went from like, an 800 credit score to 500 overnight. And I was so pissed. I was so angry that we were in this position, and I did not know what to do with the anger. And so it's very humbling when you lose everything and you have two faces looking at you like, what are you going to do now? And the next few years were not easy. You know, I had to go back into corporate America and commute was not happy about that. Missing school events, you know, all the things.
Tracy O'Malley [00:07:15]:
But it's like, okay, what can I do with what's happening right now and make it something good? And I just didn't have the tools back then.
Leah Hadley [00:07:22]:
So what would you tell someone, because I have a feeling there's a woman sitting in our audience right now listening to this episode saying, this is me. I have these two people, and I don't know what to do. What would you tell her?
Tracy O'Malley [00:07:33]:
Oh, my goodness. You know, I prided myself on being, like, this strong, stoic mom. My kids would look at me, and even though they can feel the undertow of energy and anger on the on the surface, they couldn't see it. And I thought I was helping them doing that. And I think, you know, there's a fine line between burdening our kids with a lot of this stuff, but also letting them see the human aspect of who you are. Like, I don't condone telling them all the dirt that's going on by any means, but letting them see hurt and how I could process that in a healthy way, that that changed the game, you know, because they were feeling it.
Tracy O'Malley [00:08:26]:
And I say all the time, especially to moms, like, if you carried your baby in your body, they know what you're feeling, they know your energy and you can put on the front, but they're going to think something's wrong with them. If you're acting like nothing's at all going on and they can feel it, they're not going to learn how to trust themselves and their feelings, too.
Leah Hadley [00:08:51]:
That's such a good point. I was literally just talking with somebody. You know, I lost my mom in July and have really been struggling with grief around that and trying to keep it away from my kids. Right. Like trying to protect my kids from the cause, you know, it's hard, it's hard to process grief.
Tracy O'Malley [00:09:06]:
Right.
Leah Hadley [00:09:07]:
But somebody was saying something very similar to me recently was that, you know, even though it's hard, it's okay to let your kids see that because they're grieving too. It might be different, it was a different relationship. But just acknowledging, like, hey, we're all going through a challenging moment, it is a moment we will feel better, but this is a time that's hard and that's okay.
Tracy O'Malley [00:09:28]:
Well, as much as we think we're protecting them, if we're not showing them, especially if we've got some tools how to process life's hard life stuff, they're going to seek that out somewhere and it's probably not going to be the healthiest place or they're going to turn it inward and do some destructive stuff to try and deal with it. And so I made the decision when I got the tools in my tool belt. Like, I wanted them to learn from me and trust that they could show me anything, feel anything with me without judgment, without shame. But I had to go first, you know?
Leah Hadley [00:10:10]:
Absolutely. Yeah. And that can be really hard to do. Now, you mentioned having to go back to court corporate after your divorce. A lot of times people have a mindset where it almost feels like it's impossible to, to figure that path back out. Tracy, did that feel easy to you at the time? Like, how did that go for you?
Tracy O'Malley [00:10:30]:
Honestly, it felt like a death sentence. It did not because I mean, thankfully I was highly recruited during a time when people were losing jobs. Like, so I was thankful for that and was able to keep a roof over our head. You know, when the business fell apart, my ex husband stopped paying child support and hasn't in 16 of the 17 years. So the full responsibility was on me. But getting that job, it was required. I needed to, but it was not soul calling and I was not happy about it. And you know, the kids were at an age where they didn't understand that I was missing things and Dad was there because he didn't have a job.
Tracy O'Malley [00:11:22]:
But I'm keeping the roof on the over your head, the food on the table, clothes on your back, braces on your teeth. And I did not know what to do with that. So again, that two and a half year stint in corporate, although I'm super grateful for, spiraled me in a, in a way that I needed to get spiraled to be humbled enough to say I need help. And that's where I ended up with my therapist, quite honestly, in rehab. Yeah. And it was like the best rock bottom I could have ever prayed for. Yeah, well, you know, when we hit rock bottom, it doesn't feel like a blessing. And as the strong, stoic, I can handle anything kind of woman, it felt very humbling.
Tracy O'Malley [00:12:18]:
And also, it's what I needed because I wasn't vulnerable enough to ask for help. I was white knuckling life, you know, Although on the grand scheme of things, I didn't have, you know, this catastrophic issue, but I knew I had a coping problem. And even though everybody in my life is like, you're not bad. What are you doing? I'm like, well, my standards are higher, and the standards that I want to lead my children with are higher. And if you don't repair it, you repeat it or it gets repeated or both. And I was a product of that. And so I remember looking at my kids when I was going to go, and I said, I promise you, when I get back, things will be different. I don't know how, but I do know why, and you are why.
Tracy O'Malley [00:13:15]:
I need to learn some things that have not been taught or modeled for me. And so I committed 100% to it. When I was in rehab, I heard the statistics. Only 2% of us make it 2.
Leah Hadley [00:13:29]:
Oh, that is heartbreaking.
Tracy O'Malley [00:13:31]:
Yeah. And also that feisty part of me came out, and I. And I'm a numbers girl, so I. I looked around and did the math, and the very first words I spoke in rehab were, I apologize to all of you because none of you are going to make it, because I'm the 2%, and I just celebrated 13 years. So. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you.
Leah Hadley [00:13:55]:
Yeah.
Tracy O'Malley [00:13:55]:
It's a big deal.
Leah Hadley [00:13:56]:
It is a big deal. It's a huge deal.
Tracy O'Malley [00:13:59]:
Yeah. And it was. It was in rehab that my therapist gives me the Enneagram.
Leah Hadley [00:14:03]:
Wow. Okay. Yeah. So when you returned home, how did that experience go for you?
Tracy O'Malley [00:14:11]:
Well, it's real easy in rehab. You know, you're in the safe bubbles, but then you go back to the environment, the. The wreckage, the casualties of divorce, and you have to use the tools in real time now. And I often say, like, don't get these tools when you're in crisis, because now it's like an emergency situation.
Leah Hadley [00:14:36]:
Such a good point. Yeah.
Tracy O'Malley [00:14:38]:
You know what I mean? So, like, learn some of this crap before it's all hell breaking loose. But I tend to work well under pressure, so it worked out okay. But my. My first prayer honestly, was like, please, God, let me help. Help Me let go of this resentment. Like, my ex isn't going to change. My kids need me solid, and this resentment will eat us alive. You will do with him what he needs to be done, and that's his journey with you.
Tracy O'Malley [00:15:12]:
And I just started paving a new way. And they. They have something called a living amendment. You know, it's like, I can say all the sorrys or apologize, but if I'm not doing differently, they're just words. And so day by day, moment by moment, week by week, month by month, the credibility and trust was solidified with my kids. And it was also showing them the humanness of me, the. The full scope of the human emotions. You know, I love the movie Inside Out.
Tracy O'Malley [00:15:49]:
I think every human needs to watch that. And knowing that we all have all these emotions. My kids only saw, like, two of them from me, and so I started experiencing the full scope of human emotions. We were an open book, open door, and, you know, they were now creeping on teenage years, and so it was crucial that those doors were open. And like I said, the culture changed overnight.
Leah Hadley [00:16:22]:
And then could give hope to so many people who are in that position right now.
Tracy O'Malley [00:16:27]:
It's. It's a lot easier said than done. And at the time when I went into rehab, I retired. I resigned from my job, taking my income to zero. And like you, my dad had just died six months or six weeks earlier. Six weeks before I went to rehab, my dad died. And so I had a little bit of inheritance that I was like, okay, I'm gonna take six months to figure out what's next, because I can't go back into that industry. It was killing me.
Tracy O'Malley [00:17:01]:
It was very toxic, male dominated, which, that's fine, but me. And that was not good. And so I fell into an industry that I never saw coming that allowed me to be fully me. And in full transparency, I could be open with my recovery. I could use the skill sets that I always had. But coming from a healthier place and was able to thrive and build a huge business, financially set us in a direction that child support was irrelevant to me anymore. And that. And that was.
Tracy O'Malley [00:17:47]:
That was my goal in building that. I was like, please let me make enough that I don't even have to think about child support ever again, because I need to let go of the resentment. And so I was able to do that and lead the way for my kids.
Leah Hadley [00:18:03]:
That is so powerful, Tracy. And I'm just curious about your mindset, because I know for a lot of people, there are a lot of limiting beliefs to even being able to try, let alone accomplish what you've accomplished. So talk to me a little bit about, you know, how you've been able to get to the mindset where you need to be in order to take these risks.
Tracy O'Malley [00:18:26]:
You know, when you crawl out of a hole, whether it's a financial hole, an emotional hole, physical hole, spiritual hole, I've crawled out of all of them. There's a level of humility and gratitude that even when life lifes you in the face.
Tracy O'Malley [00:18:51]:
I don't want to forget what that felt like. And so even when I get mad, triggered by injustice, by anything, it's like I crawled out of this hole for a reason, and I'm here to lead the way, not just for me and my children, but the thousands of people I've been able to do that with and for. It keeps me accountable, you know?
Leah Hadley [00:19:21]:
Absolutely. Yes. You've made such a huge difference now for so many people, and having to do it for yourself first. Right. That's the only way you can ever go first. That's right. That's right.
Tracy O'Malley [00:19:35]:
Not easy.
Leah Hadley [00:19:37]:
So, Tracy, what other words of wisdom do you have for our listeners today who might be struggling? Maybe they're in the middle of a divorce, maybe they're recently divorced, but they're feeling very stuck.
Tracy O'Malley [00:19:50]:
Yeah, you know, I'm in a relationship with someone who, you know, I've got the blended family situation, and his kids are much younger than mine. And I remember when we got together five and a half years ago, he was like, why would you want to be with somebody with younger kids? Yours are grown. And I was like, you know, like, I welcome that. I said, but the relationship with their mom is what's important to me. And at the time, they had a good relationship. And now it is not. It is the opposite of that. One of the most extreme situations I've ever had to witness.
Tracy O'Malley [00:20:33]:
And even though we can't change maybe what that person is doing, I have to believe that you keep your side of the street clean, no matter how wrong they may be, no matter how unfair the. The system can be. Your kids are looking to you. They need at least one of you to be rock solid in integrity, in your coping, in your humanness. And it's really hard when you feel like you've been treated unfairly, whether by the courts or a spouse. But I think my experience now, 17 years later, it has been a game changer in not just my relationship with my kids, but how they're thriving as a 28 and 29 year old and to be able to model that for my current partner and their children, regardless of their shit show. I think the thing about keeping your side of the street clean, always, it will stand the test of time. It may not come to fruition for years or even decades.
Tracy O'Malley [00:21:58]:
I didn't always do everything right and there were moments I shit talked their dad and, you know, didn't do it right sometimes. But I made that amends by living it and keeping my side of the street clean. And they're a product of that and it always works out. It may take time though, so that would be my advice.
Leah Hadley [00:22:26]:
Well, you should be very proud of how far you've come, Tracy, because it really is incredible. And I have no doubt that your story is going to inspire many of our listeners. And where can they find out more about you and what you do?
Tracy O'Malley [00:22:40]:
Yeah, you can go to my website, which is tracyomalley.com. I do all sorts of coaching, not just with executives and teams and corporations, but this all started in my home, you know, and I do work with a lot of couples, families. I will always do network because that's where it all started for me. You can go there. I'm on Instagram, @tracy_omalley, Facebook, all the things.
Leah Hadley [00:23:13]:
And we will have links to all of those places in the show notes. So if you want to check out Tracy or connect with her, you'll be able to do that easily. One of the things that Tracy talked about a little bit earlier though, was how important it was to ask for help. And I know for a lot of people that can just be the sticking point. That is where we get stuck. Sometimes it's, I don't know who to ask for help. Sometimes it's just the act of asking for help. And I just want to encourage anybody who is listening to that and who's just really struggling with that ask to consider joining us in the Empowered Sisterhood.
Leah Hadley [00:23:46]:
It is such a powerful program to really start building those communication skills, to be able to talk about the things that are difficult to talk about, whether it's financial or people bring in all kinds of other topics as well that we talk about. And it's just a safe, safe space to get some expert advice, to talk with other folks and to get resources that you may need. So I just want to extend that invitation for anybody who's in that place where they just could use a little bit more support. We are absolutely here for you. And we'll include a link to the show notes in the show notes for that as well. Tracy, thank you so much for your vulnerability, for your willingness to share your wisdom. I have no doubt that this interview is going to touch a lot of people.
Tracy O'Malley [00:24:26]:
It's my honor. Thank you.
Leah Hadley [00:24:28]:
And for our listeners, thanks for being with us and we will see you next week. Thank you for joining me on Intentional Divorce Insights. It's a privilege to share this time with you. I hope each episode offers valuable guidance to navigate your journey. If you find our content helpful, please leave a review to help others discover the benefits of intentional decision making in divorce. Until next time, take care and continue to embrace your path with intention.
