Leah Hadley [00:00:01]:
Welcome to Intentional Divorce Insights. I'm Leah Hadley, certified divorce Financial analyst, accredited financial counselor, and the founder of Intentional Divorce Solutions. I'll be your guide through the complexities of divorce, finance and emotional wellness. Join me as we uncover practical tips and empowering insights to help you navigate your divorce with clarity and intention.
Leah Hadley [00:00:24]:
Hi there and welcome back to Intentional Divorce Insights. I'm. I am so happy that you are here with us today. We have a great guest who recently launched a book that I'm excited to hear more about. This is Justin Millrad. He is a dedicated divorce coach and author who is committed to guiding individuals through the challenges of divorce and helping them to build a brighter future. Drawing on personal experience and professional expertise, he founded Reclaim and Reboot Transformational Divorce Coaching, a coaching platform designed to empower people to discover themselves and navigate life after divorce with confidence and clarity. Justin's transformative approach combines empathy, practical strategies, and a profound understanding of the emotional complexities of divorce.
Leah Hadley [00:01:12]:
He authored You 2.0 A Better Way Forward After Divorce, a comprehensive guide that blends heartfelt storytelling with actionable advice to support individuals on their healing journey. As a certified divorce coach and sought after speaker, Justin is passionate about helping others embrace new beginnings and find strength in the face of challenge. When not coaching or writing, he enjoys outdoor activities, community volunteering, and quality time with family. Justin's mission is simple. To empower those navigating divorce, helping them reclaim their lives, reboot their confidence, and thrive in their next chapter. Welcome Justin. Thank you so much for joining us.
Justin Milrad [00:01:53]:
Thank you. It's so great to be here.
Leah Hadley [00:01:55]:
Oh, absolutely. It's my pleasure. And I'm really interested to hear more about this book. What inspired you to write You 2.0?
Justin Milrad [00:02:03]:
You know, so kind of if you look at the journey, never in a million years would I think that I would have gone through a divorce. You know, my ex wife and I had that marriage that everyone wanted and admired and it was great until it wasn't. And you know, the process itself was three years. It was long, it was painful, it was expensive. And what I learned, you know, going through the process and kind of looking back was the system is made for war, doesn't have to be, isn't always that way, but the system was made for war. And ultimately my ex and I wanted the same thing when it came to our kids. And that's probably where we should have started. So, you know, the reason why I wrote You 2.0 is because it's the book that I would have needed to choose a different pathway than the One that I did kind of fast forward, you know, we're doing great, my ex and I, in terms of co parenting, our kids are doing well.
Justin Milrad [00:03:00]:
But that was an intentional choice. But in order to get there, it was very tumultuous.
Leah Hadley [00:03:06]:
Yeah, I really appreciate you saying that. It is an intentional choice. Right. It doesn't happen just by default, especially after. For somebody like you, you who had gone through a three year process, that's, you know, obviously a lot of stress on your family. And so then once you get through that, to be able to co parent reasonably with this person, I mean, I know for my own divorce I was not. It wasn't that long of a process for us it was less than a year. But still, I always tell people that first year after the divorce, that was a really hard year for co parenting because there was still a lot of anger, there was still a lot of resentment.
Leah Hadley [00:03:45]:
My kids were still very young at the time and were just stressed by the transition between homes and all of that. And so it really was a matter of the two of us making that intentional decision that we were going to choose to really co parent. And what did that mean and how does that relationship look for us to be able to have a positive relationship going forward? But I appreciate you saying that it was tumultuous at first because I had a very similar experience in that way.
Justin Milrad [00:04:12]:
Yeah. You know, and the irony was it started off amicable and then as soon as, you know, the team got involved. And I'm not knocking on attorneys because they're really important and they're essential, but, you know, not all are the same and some of them are interested in billable hours in creating conflict because in the end they earn more money. So our divorce ended up going to court as a jury trial, an eight day jury trial. So you can imagine what that did to us emotionally, financially. And now our business is everyone's business. And looking back, I wish that had never happened. It wasn't my choice, but you still have to partake in it.
Justin Milrad [00:05:00]:
So going back to the original question about what kind of motivated me, it's to let people know that they have a choice to make and they can make a long term choice where they win or they can go to battle in the short term and have a very unpredictable outcome.
Leah Hadley [00:05:17]:
Yes, such, such a good point. And especially coming from somebody who did actually go to trial, because the reality is very few cases actually end up going to trial. And so you definitely had a unique experience in that. I'm curious, what would the divorce, Justin, with All the knowledge, you know now, what would you tell Justin, who was just starting that divorce process?
Justin Milrad [00:05:39]:
It's not about winning or losing. No one wins in divorce. It's about doing the right thing for your kids and also recognizing. I don't want to glamorize divorce, but in our particular case, it was an opportunity to get off the hamster wheel of everyday life and look at where you are, look at what you've been doing, look at where in life you've been successful. Look in life where you could have done better and kind of re engineer so that the version You 2.0 can come out. And fast forward. I'm in a very healthy relationship. The kids are doing well.
Justin Milrad [00:06:16]:
My relationship with my ex is very strong. And we have the same ambition for strong, confident, positive kids. And it's a choice I chose to fight back. And I think that we could have just met in a coffee shop and talked this through and. And accepted the radical acceptance of the reality of things that can't be taken back and move forward with grace and honor and dignity.
Leah Hadley [00:06:49]:
Yes. Words that often get forgotten. Yeah, words that often get forgotten through this process. So I appreciate you highlighting that because it is possible. Right? I mean, there is a different way to go about doing this. And I think now that you're as a divorce coach and you're helping others through the process, I'm sure that you're seeing a lot of different approaches, approaches to the divorce, you know, whether it's a divorce or separation or kind of how people are moving forward. Tell us a little bit about your work as a divorce coach and kind of what that looks like.
Justin Milrad [00:07:21]:
Absolutely. So, first of all, I did not know what a divorce coach was going through the process. And very few people today still know what a divorce coach is. And had I spoken to one, we would be in a very different situation. You know, so my experience, you know, I work with clients, you know, depending on where they are. Sometimes it's contemplation of divorce, sometimes it's going through the divorce, and sometimes it's post divorce. I even have one client who's 25 years post divorce. And, you know, there's really two main areas.
Justin Milrad [00:07:54]:
Number one is the business of divorce. You know, so if you're contemplating or going through, it's understanding the process, it's coming up with a strategy, it's building your team, it's the right mindset, and at some point, the divorce will be completed and life will move on. And the second part is really what I enjoy the most, which is working on 2.0 version of yourself. And this can happen in any stage of the conversation with the divorce coach because this is ongoing. It's changing attitudes, it's overcoming limiting beliefs. It's taking good care of your vessel in your body. You know, it's making conscious decisions. It's learning how to communicate with other people, you know, specifically your ex.
Justin Milrad [00:08:41]:
It's about doing the right thing for the kids. So, you know, the divorce coach is really a thought partner. So depending on where someone might engage with me, you know, if they're contemplating, we talk about their current, you know, situation, I never default right to go file for divorce. If a marriage can be saved, it should be saved. It often takes work. And kind of looking back at my own divorce, I think we probably could have done a little more work earlier on, possibly saved the marriage, but we got to a point of no return. So I really love working with the clients. Every case is different when there are kids involved.
Justin Milrad [00:09:22]:
It complicates things even more dependent depending on the age of the kids that's important, as well as people's financial situation. I think I have a very good understanding of all parts of a divorce, especially the financial component and what the laws are, so we can have very effective conversations about, here's the laws in your state, so here's likely how this might play out. So if you go to mediation or arbitration, you know, here's what you should really be thinking about. So, you know, that's part of it. And then, of course, there's the mindset. It's. It's about no one's going to win. It's about moving forward and what.
Justin Milrad [00:10:03]:
What that would take to get to that point.
Leah Hadley [00:10:06]:
And that is a hard shift for a lot of people to make. How do you help people make that shift?
Justin Milrad [00:10:12]:
You know, so everyone gets homework.
Leah Hadley [00:10:14]:
Okay.
Justin Milrad [00:10:15]:
And, you know, while a divorce coach isn't a therapist, sometimes we dig deep into trauma and we kind of understand why people act a certain way. We talk things through, we role play, we. Sometimes we'll even do a decision tree and a flowchart of different possible outcomes. And I find when you talk to people and you can kind of talk them off the ledge of anger, they can be a lot more rational and understand, you know, here are the possible different outcomes, here's the likelihood. So here's the best strategy. And, you know, if I fire first, here's what will happen next. You know, so it's really just, you know, keeping people calm, using a whiteboard where necessary, use great metaphors wherever possible. And have them kind of see through, you know, all the anger and betrayal and frustration and sadness as to what the future is going to be like, you know, regardless of what's going on in our lives, the sun's going to set every day and it's going to rise every morning and, you know, life goes on with or without us.
Leah Hadley [00:11:26]:
So what kinds of folks would you recommend reach out to? A divorce coach?
Justin Milrad [00:11:31]:
You know, I think anyone who wants to move forward amicably, anyone who wants to learn about the process and do so at a much lower cost. Divorce coaches don't replace attorneys, but they can certainly give a lot of great information early on. So when you're with your attorney or your evaluator or whomever you hire as a professional, you can use them for their highest and best use. So you come in with a lot of questions and you have some knowledge so you can use them as effectively and quickly as possible. Also, someone who wants to move through the process quickly. One of the things that I learned and observed, you know, while I was a man going through a divorce was divorce takes people about five years to work through, and that's a long time. And what I saw with divorce coaching is people move through the process a lot quicker so they, they heal faster. So it's like putting ointment on your divorce because you want to move through it quickly, efficiently, thoughtfully, and then you want to, you know, rebuild your life into the way that you want it to be.
Justin Milrad [00:12:44]:
You know, the You 2.0 speaking of.
Leah Hadley [00:12:48]:
You 2.0, let's get back to your book for a minute and talk a little bit about what do you hope readers are going to get from your book?
Justin Milrad [00:12:58]:
I hope they get information, I hope they get inspiration. I hope they find ways to focus on self care and how to build the right community of friends, family, advisors. One of the examples I like to use is not all advisors are the same. People will always give their opinion and some people are qualified and some aren't. I also hope that people will get information and understand the process and understand how to navigate it effectively and productively and also see where all the landmines can be because ultimately everyone wants to move through it as quickly as possible and to move on. And there's a very extensive chapter on finances. And the one question I get often when I start talking to a client is I just want to know that I'm going to be okay, right? And until you, you know, put all the assets and liabilities and a marital, marital balance sheet, you're not going to know.
Leah Hadley [00:14:07]:
Right.
Justin Milrad [00:14:07]:
And, you know, when people find out that I am going to be okay, I won't be as good as if we were together, but I'm going to be okay, then they have the confidence to. To move forward. And that's something that, you know, I've heard not all attorneys do. Well.
Leah Hadley [00:14:24]:
Yeah, I mean, it's a really good point. And even just in my own work with attorneys, there are a lot of attorneys out there that do have a strong financial background, and there are a lot of attorneys who don't. Right. And especially those who choose to practice in the area of family law. A lot of them really do come with a mind of wanting to help people and help families, but often not that financial savvy to really, and especially if it's a complex financial situation, to be able to provide the guidance that people need through that, understanding the tax obligations and all of that. So I think you're exactly right, Justin, that it's really important that you surround yourself with a team of people who can really support you based on the needs of your specific divorce. Not every divorce needs every professional out there. Right.
Leah Hadley [00:15:10]:
But there are certainly some that are more complicated that, you know, you really do need good, solid financial advice in some areas. Justin, talk to me about how music comes. You get through your own divorce.
Justin Milrad [00:15:23]:
Oh, I'm glad you brought that up. I love music. And, you know, when I was having a dark day, I could hear the lyrics and I could understand the lyrics. And, you know, one song that hit me particularly strongly is Fix You by Coldplay. And not only did the lyrics help inspire me to kind of rise up and become, you know, my version of 2.0, but it also helped me really understand that all humans are fallible and we all struggle and, you know, there's no perfect scenario and that we just have to keep working on ourselves and it's never ending. So, you know, Bob Dylan, you know, I kind of end the book with this quote. One of my favorite, you know, lyric lyrical strings of his is, he who's not busy being born is busy dying. And, you know, through divorce, you end up doing things that you never would have thought just to keep yourself occupied.
Justin Milrad [00:16:27]:
You know, I got into triathlon. You know, I never thought I'd be a triathlete. I, you know, I was born with two left feet and I can't dance. And I ended up doing a Dancing with the Stars episode, you know, for charity. So, you know, you try new things, you push out of the comfort zone, and, you know, the music just inspired Me. And you know, as part, as part of self care, I really started taking up running. And when you're hearing good music and you're connecting to the music, you're running faster. You know, you're, you're running through your problems and you're, you're getting this incredible energy that you didn't even know you possessed.
Justin Milrad [00:17:08]:
So, yeah, music helped me each and every day.
Leah Hadley [00:17:12]:
That is awesome. And I think it's important to find what works for you. Right. I mean, I think that's awesome. That music was great for you. I will tell you, my daughter really leans on music when she's struggling with emotional. You know, that is her go to. Absolutely.
Leah Hadley [00:17:26]:
And I think it's really important to know that about ourselves. Right. For me, it's journaling, like when I have a lot going on, I need that quiet. I need to just get it all out of my head on paper. And that is just a huge relief for me. And you know, Liesl is a divorce coach who's been on our show before and talked about kind of like finding the joy in every day. Right. Like finding those, those things that light you up every day.
Leah Hadley [00:17:52]:
Whatever the case may be, whatever your, your thing is, or maybe multiple things. I think it's so powerful to find that whatever is going to help you kind of get through. And just acknowledging that this is tough, it's tough stuff. It's difficult to restructure your family. It's difficult to change everything that you've known for the last several years, sometimes decades. Right. And so acknowledging that, like, we need those things that we can lean on that are those healthy tools that we can use. Because the fact of the matter is, and I see it all the time, is if we don't find the healthy tools, then we find the unhealthy tools.
Leah Hadley [00:18:26]:
Right. And so being proactive and making decisions about how we're going to provide that self care is so important.
Justin Milrad [00:18:34]:
You know, I, I love what you said. You know, I was reading, I read a lot while I was going through this. And there was a rabbi that I came across named Joshua, you know, Joshua Abraham Heschel. And he talked about wonder and radical amazement. And it was so very powerful. And you don't have to be Jewish to appreciate it.
Leah Hadley [00:18:53]:
Yeah.
Justin Milrad [00:18:54]:
But I started, you know, I'd go on walks and I'd look outside and I'd have all this wonder. And every morning I'd wake up a new wonder. And the radical amazement was appreciating nature or appreciating that I'm in a car and somehow it, you know, the propulsion moving forward or that I could order something on Amazon, it'll be in my house in six hours. Like, you know, there's a lot of amazing things going on in the world. And when you kind of look at the macro view as well as the micro view, you start appreciating things. And, you know, you talked about journaling and gratitude is so important. And I had this thing that I did every day I woke up, I wrote three things I was grateful for, two things I was going to do that day, and one thing I'm going to do to bring myself joy. And I made sure that no matter what I did that.
Justin Milrad [00:19:42]:
And when you make it deliberate and you write it down, you actually, there's a greater chance that you're going to actually do it. And it made a huge difference in my recovery.
Leah Hadley [00:19:52]:
I bet. What a great practice. And even I love that last point about like something that's going to bring you joy that day, like actually sitting down and making a decision. I'm going to write this down and I'm going to do something for myself. I love that. So, Justin, I don't get to talk to many male divorce coaches, so I think it's wonderful that you're out there that you wrote this book, that you're a great resource for people. Where can people learn more about you and your services and how can they connect with you?
Justin Milrad [00:20:22]:
Well, you know, I didn't know there weren't many male divorce coaches, but I learned as I got certified that that was the case. You know, if anyone wants to connect with me, they can go to www reclaimandreboot.me or they can call me on my cell phone, which is 404-353-5175, or text me. They can set up a free 30 minute consultation or they can email me at [email protected]
Leah Hadley [00:20:54]:
Fantastic. And we will include all that information in the show notes. So if you're looking for how to connect with Justin, you can absolutely find that in the show notes. We'll also include a link to his book so you can check that out. Any final words you want to share with our audience.
Justin Milrad [00:21:07]:
Justin, first of all, thank you for having me on your podcast. This is wonderful. You do really good and important work, I think. You know, explore divorce coaching. It is such a wonderful, effective way to get through divorce and the traditional way, it doesn't work for everyone. And, you know, we need our team and we need to move forward. And even though you may feel like you're in despair right now. There is a rainbow and a pot of gold at the end and life can be really good.
Justin Milrad [00:21:45]:
But you have to take that first step to get there. And you know, as I say in my book, it's an intentional choice. And it's the right choice.
Leah Hadley [00:21:54]:
Absolutely. Thank you again, Justin. And thank you for our audience for being here with us today. We will see you next week.
Justin Milrad [00:22:01]:
Thank you so much.
Leah Hadley [00:22:04]:
Thank you for joining me on Intentional Divorce Insights. It's a privilege to share this time with with you. I hope each episode offers valuable guidance to navigate your journey. If you find our content helpful, please leave a review to help others discover the benefits of intentional decision making in divorce. Until next time, take care and continue to embrace your path with intention.
