Leah Hadley [00:00:01]:
Welcome to Intentional Divorce Insights. I'm Leah Hadley, certified divorce financial analyst, accredited financial counselor, and the founder of Intentional Divorce Solutions. I'll be your guide through the complexities of divorce, finance, and emotional wellness. Join me as we uncover practical tips and empowering insights to help you navigate your divorce with clarity and intention.
Leah Hadley [00:00:26]:
Hi, and welcome to our 50th episode of Intentional Divorce Insights. I'm Leah Hadley, the founder of Intentional Divorce Solutions, and I just wanna take a moment to say thank you. Whether you've been with us from the beginning or just recently found us, it has been a privilege to walk this path with you. To celebrate this milestone, we've pulled together some of the most impactful moments from our most downloaded episodes. These clips speak to the heart of what we do, offering clarity, support, and practical tools for navigating one of life's most challenging transitions. You'll hear from some of our most insightful guests, and I'll be guiding you through with reflections and takeaways along the way. Let's dive in. For this first segment, you're about to hear from me in a clip from our episode, divorce prep one zero one, safeguarding your financial future.
Leah Hadley [00:01:17]:
We talk a lot on this podcast about emotional wellness, but this moment brings us back to the basics, Why financial preparedness is essential and how to take action even when you're overwhelmed.
Leah Hadley [00:01:33]:
Divorce can be emotionally draining, but don't let those emotions dictate your financial decisions. Focus on the long term, and remember, you don't have to figure it all out in a day. Just take it step by step.
Leah Hadley [00:01:49]:
Don't be afraid to ask for help when
Leah Hadley [00:01:50]:
you need it, whether that's from your financial professional or you're leaning on a therapist. Building emotional resilience is just as important as securing your financial future. Take care of yourself, surround yourself with supportive people, and trust that you are taking the right steps toward a more stable future.
Leah Hadley [00:02:12]:
When everything feels uncertain, it's tempting to focus on what's urgent instead of what's important. But small, steady actions like getting organized or opening your own account can create a sense of control when so much feels out of reach. You don't have to figure it all out today. You just have to start. Up next is Dr. Mike Fink from our episode how to get clarity and certainty about whether to divorce or not. In this clip, he unpacks why making a decision about divorce is different than other decisions and why your brain might be working against you in this process.
Mike Fink [00:02:50]:
So let's look at what divorce is and how it is a different decision compared to most other decisions that we make in everyday life. We make so many decisions, we think well it's just another decision, but it's not just another decision because divorce is one that will affect not only you but also your kids, your family, your friends, your spouse obviously. It will affect you not only in the short term but for years to come, maybe for the rest of your life. It will affect you on all fronts emotional, psychological, social, professional and it is an irreversible decision. Once you make it, it's pretty much impossible to reverse. So it's such a high stakes decision that your brain goes, you know what? My job is to protect you and unless you have absolute certainty that it is the right decision, I'm gonna keep you where you are. When in doubt, wait it out. You know, the devil you know is better than the devil you don't.
Mike Fink [00:03:49]:
So the reality is that as long as you don't make a decision even though you may be miserable in your life, well, somehow you are not facing the consequences of your decision because also when you divorce, things usually get worse before they get better. It's like renovating, the bathroom in your house. You need to tear everything down before you can rebuild a more beautiful bathroom. Right? Right. So if you make a decision to divorce, that's when you have to face the possible blame of your kids, that you are the villain who broke up the family, your sense of guilt, you can't blame yourself, you have to face the consequences of your decision whereas as long as you are quote unquote thinking about it, well technically you're still, you know, in safe land, you're miserable, yes, but you're not you you cannot be blamed. You have not done anything wrong. And this is the game that the brain plays on you. It keeps you stuck in the status quo because it thinks, you know, that's it is the safest thing.
Mike Fink [00:04:50]:
So that's a key principle to understand that unless you deal with this part of your brain, your primal brain, you really are stuck because the safest thing is really to not make a decision.
Leah Hadley [00:05:08]:
Mike offers such a powerful breakdown of what many of my clients feel but struggle to articulate. You're not indecisive. You're protecting yourself. That hesitation, that looping, it's your brain's way of keeping you safe even if it's keeping you miserable. But once you understand that pattern, the next step is figuring out how to get clarity. So in this next clip, Mike shares how to gather the pieces of a puzzle and why clarity is often closer than you think. You'll also hear a helpful metaphor involving two Rubik's cubes and why they reveal about what they reveal about your decision making process.
Mike Fink [00:05:49]:
How do you get certainty? Step number one, you have to gather all the pieces of the puzzle. It may sound obvious, but you cannot solve the jigsaw puzzle if you're missing half the pieces and the thing is that a lot of people are stuck in just a few elements. I remember, this client Felicia, her husband had cheated on her. She was devastated because he kept cheating on her even though he was attending sex addiction support groups, but on the other hand, she kept telling herself, yeah, it's terrible but he's such an amazing dad. And she was focused only on those two things. He cheated, amazing dad. Cheated, amazing dad. Two variables.
Mike Fink [00:06:29]:
What you have to understand is that in a relationship, you are with a person and you are happy or unhappy when a number of things that are important to you are being fulfilled or not. For example, you may want to have an ideal partner who is a good communicator, who's a good provider, who has a great sense of humor, who maybe, likes to travel. I mean, if you start really digging deep and taking the time to really understand all the pieces, it you know, most people have between 20 to 30 things that are important to them in a relationship. And if that sounds a lot to your listeners, that's a sure sign that they're missing important pieces. Right? Now, let me show you these two Rubik cubes and, you know, for your listeners, I'm holding two Rubik cubes. On one hand, I have one that has all the colors completely jumbled and on the other one, it's perfectly solved, all the colors are aligned. But I have a question for you, Leah. In terms of the jumbled cube, are there any pieces missing compared to the solved cube in terms of the number of color stickers or number of smaller cubes? Is anything missing in terms of those two things?
Leah Hadley [00:07:42]:
No. All the pieces are there.
Mike Fink [00:07:43]:
All the pieces are there. Right? The only difference is that the pieces
Mike Fink [00:07:47]:
are
Mike Fink [00:07:47]:
not aligned or, they they are not in the proper sequence. So the reason I'm using this metaphor is to say that in reality, we already have all the pieces within ourselves to make the decision. They are just jumbled and we don't know how to make sense of them. But if you apply the proper sequence, they turn the faces of the cube in the proper order, you will always solve the cube. And for that, you need to have all the pieces of the puzzle.
Leah Hadley [00:08:15]:
What I love about this metaphor is a reminder that we're not missing anything. We're just out of alignment. Getting clear on what actually matters to you in a relationship can change everything. If two variables are making your decision hard, you probably need to name the other 20 you haven't explored yet. Next, you'll hear from therapist Julia Hoffman in our episode, Navigating Guilt, Embracing Your Role as a 50/50 co-parent. She talks about what people get wrong about co parenting and what really impacts children most during a divorce.
Leah Hadley [00:08:51]:
So in your experience, what are some of the biggest misconceptions that society has about co parenting?
Julia Hoffman [00:08:58]:
Mhmm. That that that we just talked about. Mhmm. That, it has to be that it's well, one, that it's negative. That it has to be negative. Just so in the culture, you know, in our zeitgeist that it has to be contentious, and people have to pick sides. You know, in the the extended family and friends, everybody has to pick sides. It does not have to be like that.
Julia Hoffman [00:09:31]:
I have worked with many clients. Well, I actually I got into focusing on co parenting because I was working with, women coming out later in life. You know, we we kind of get into, the the work that we know the best. And so using my, marriage and family background, I have started working with those women, and it was really amazing, fascinating. But the part that I loved the most and felt most rewarding and I thought made the biggest difference was helping the woman and her husband navigate the ending of their marriage, had a parent together, and that was really the most painful part for her. You know? It was the most painful part, and, I felt like that is and it was the most painful part for me too because I had the same situation. So I really, really wanted to support to support that because it's it was the most painful part, but also the most rewarding to be on this side now.
Julia Hoffman [00:10:40]:
So
Julia Hoffman [00:10:40]:
I think that people just they don't understand that it can be a good thing, that children are not, this is my I'm on this kick right now. Divorce does not hurt children, Leah. Divorce does not hurt children. Parental conflict hurts children.
Leah Hadley [00:11:02]:
Mhmm.
Julia Hoffman [00:11:03]:
Like, just the divorce itself, it's it it contributes to conflict, obviously. Sure. But it's not the thing that is going to, automatically damage your children. I don't think parents know that they have some control over that based on their their choices.
Leah Hadley [00:11:27]:
Julia's words here are a reminder that divorce isn't the enemy, conflict is. You can restructure your family with intention. And your kids, they benefit most when they see respect, communication, and consistency. Co parenting doesn't have to be a battleground. It can be a partnership. Now let's go back to therapist Brittany Baker from our deciding to stay or go episode. First, she explains the purpose of discernment counseling, then shares why self examination is key regardless of which direction you choose.
Brittany Baker [00:12:04]:
Right. So discernment counseling is exactly what you just said. It's for these people who are in a relationship, who are trying to decide, do I stay in it or do I not? The way that the language that we use is oftentimes, there's one leaning in partner. Right? Somebody who wants the relationship and somebody who's leaning out ambivalent, not putting in so much effort. There can be two leaning out, partners as well. But, typically, you see one leaning in and one leaning out. And we all know that it's these decisions are really hard to make. And, also, it's hard when one person feels like they're really fighting for it and the other person, again, feels indifferent or ambivalent about it.
Brittany Baker [00:12:48]:
But then you have families or finances or houses or all of these things that you're trying not to blow up. Right? And so discernment counseling is a short term counseling, and I'm very careful to use that word because it's very diff it's different than therapy, to help people work through this indifference or this ambivalence and come to a decision, whether that's to stay together, to divorce, or to stay status quo.
Leah Hadley [00:13:19]:
That push pull dynamic Britney describes is something so many couples experience. And once you recognize it, the next step is asking the harder question, what's my part in this? That's what we'll hear next. How reflecting on your own role in the relationship can open the door to real growth no matter the outcome. But before we go there, let's hear one more perspective, this time on the power of community during divorce. In this clip from Shared Stories, Strength and Bonds, divorce coach and mediator, Liesel Darby, explains the difference between therapy and support groups and why a supportive community can sometimes see exactly what's needed during the divorce.
Leah Hadley [00:14:03]:
But, Liesel, I think some people might not be clear about what's the difference between participating in a support group like this versus just going to see a therapist.
Liesel Darby [00:14:12]:
Yeah. Okay. And that's a really big dis distinction here. So when we talk about therapy, we're talking about you are gonna get a diagnosis, you're gonna get a treatment plan, your sessions with a therapist are all very much directed towards your treatment plan. And therapy really is it depends on the kind of therapies that you're getting. When I was doing therapy, I really liked doing cognitive behavioral therapy because it was in the now it's not so much like, well, let's look back and look for patterns and all this stuff, which can take a lot of time. It can be helpful at sometimes, but I'm much more interested on what can we do right now to help you move forward. So, it's very, very focused and it like, you're you're gonna be dealing with things like maybe anxiety disorder or depression that might be seeping into all areas of your life, right, and have for a long time.
Liesel Darby [00:15:07]:
So it's not situation specific a lot of times. A support group is specific. So this is for your divorce. Right? Ours is for divorce. And it's I don't have a structure. It's so it's I don't have an agenda when we come into the safe space here. I call it the sacred space of a group. It's whatever the group members need at that time.
Liesel Darby [00:15:31]:
And I'm a facilitator. You know? So, I can occasionally go back into therapy mode or teacher mode. I mean, that's very easy for me to do, and I can give guidance if somebody needs it. But the purpose of a support group is really for the members to support each other and to have interactions and conversations, and I facilitate that. A lot of people find therapy to be very intense. It can be. Support groups can be depending on who needs to say what at that time, but I think it's just a lot more fluid. And we're not focused on, you know, a disorder.
Liesel Darby [00:16:13]:
You know? We're not saying anybody here is disordered. This is a natural reaction to a life event. Mhmm. And, you know, and we're just gonna figure out how to deal with it. That's all. Support each other. It isn't a therapy group. You know? I'm never gonna be I don't go into therapy mode except if I can give you a tip maybe on well, maybe let's look at that thought that you're having that's causing you a lot of problems here, and can you can you do something else with it? Can you put another thought in there that feels better than what you're doing? But a lot of it's just validating the feelings and really, just listening.
Liesel Darby [00:16:50]:
To have somebody truly listen to you and truly hear what you're saying is one of the most healing things that can happen. And and, again, therapy is one on one. This is you're here with a bunch of other people who who are giving you their energy, so that's a lot different dynamic as well.
Leah Hadley [00:17:12]:
Sometimes you don't need solutions. You just need to feel seen. Support groups give people space to share what they're going through without judgment, without a fix. And that kind of connection, it's often what helps people find their strength again. Now back to Brittany Baker. In the second clip, she talks about the power of self examination during the discernment process and why pointing fingers won't move you forward.
Brittany Baker [00:17:40]:
But at the end of the day, I really, really push people to examine themselves and say, well, where did I where did I not show up? Or where did I not communicate well? Or where did I what what would I need to change to be able to stay in this relationship? And we do this because at the end of the day, we can point the finger at another person and say, you, you, you, you, you, but we can't make that person change. All that we can do is control ourselves. And so examining our role in it and maybe what we have contributed to the dynamic, is very important because, say, you're someone who feels like you didn't do anything in the relationship or this is something that I hear a lot is like, my husband doesn't think that he, you know, communicated this way or acts this way. He thinks that he shows me love or initiates sex in a certain way, and he doesn't. But then it's like, well, okay. That's fine. And maybe those things are all true. But how is that continued? And what what is the dynamic here that allows these these things to continue? And what do you contribute to that dynamic? Right? All communication is a give and a take, and it's asking people to examine their role in that give and take.
Leah Hadley [00:18:55]:
Brittany's message here is so important. Real progress begins when we stop asking what the other person did wrong and start asking what we could do differently. Not to carry all the blame, but to take ownership of our role, our communication, and ultimately, our growth. So as we wrap up this fiftieth episode, I wanna bring it all together. Divorce is never just about the paperwork or the financials. It's about emotional safety, personal clarity, and making intentional decisions that honor your future. I hope you heard something today that gave you clarity or even just a moment of peace. These clips weren't just popular, they were meaningful.
Leah Hadley [00:19:32]:
And I'm so grateful to the experts and clients who have shared their voices on this platform. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with someone who might benefit. And if this podcast has been part of your journey, I'd be honored if you'd leave a review. It helps more people to find us. Here's to 50 episodes and to every listener walking this path with intention. Until next time, take care.
Leah Hadley [00:19:54]:
Thank you for joining me on Intentional Divorce Insights. It's a privilege to share this time with you. I hope each episode offers valuable guidance to navigate your journey. If you find our content helpful, please leave a review to help others discover the benefits of intentional decision making in divorce. Until next time, take care and continue to embrace your path with intention.
