Leah Hadley [00:00:01]:
Welcome to Intentional Divorce Insights. I'm Leah Hadley, certified divorce financial analyst, accredited financial counselor, and the founder of Intentional Divorce Solutions. I'll be your guide through the complexities of divorce, finance, and emotional wellness. Join me as we uncover practical tips and empowering insights to help you navigate your divorce with clarity and intention.
Leah Hadley [00:00:25]:
Hi there, and welcome back to Intentional Divorce Insights. I am so happy that you are here with us today. You are right where you need to be. I have a wonderful guest to introduce you to. This is Amy Capello, and she is an award winning life balance strategist. So we're gonna talk more about what that means. She's a certified productivity coach, author and speaker her mission is to guide people in reducing chaos and creating balance through her unique whole life balance system, which goes beyond the traditional work life balance approach. Amy is also a mom, a stepmom, a wife, nature enthusiast, solo world traveler, and stage three inflammatory breast cancer survivor.
Leah Hadley [00:01:08]:
She provides free coaching and mentoring to single mothers through her volunteer work with Shelter from the Rain. She has also been an active volunteer with the Ty BC Turtle Project since 02/2007. In recognition of her impact, Amy was honored with the 2024 remarkable woman award and named a 2024 leader of impact. Her dedication to service and expertise in life balance makes her a trusted coach, advocate, and change maker. Welcome, Amy. Thank you so much for being with us.
Amy Capello [00:01:40]:
Thank you. Thank you so much for having me. I appreciate being here today.
Leah Hadley [00:01:44]:
It is my absolute pleasure. And our audience does often want to know a little bit about our guest experience with divorce because, obviously, that's what they're going through.
Amy Capello [00:01:57]:
Of course.
Leah Hadley [00:01:58]:
Tell us, Amy, just a little bit about your personal experience. You don't have to go in too deep.
Amy Capello [00:02:02]:
Yeah. No. Absolutely. So yeah. So I am divorced and remarried. So I got married oh gosh. It was ancient years ago, 02/2006. I think that's right.
Amy Capello [00:02:17]:
If I'm wrong, but I was 24 years old and, married a sweetheart from college. And we were married for eight and a half years. We have a son together. And, when my son was less than two, we ended up going through, a divorce. And so we've been co parenting. Ever since then, that was in 2015. So I actually realized just the other day that, in two months, it will be ten years since I've been divorced, which is just wild to think that I've been divorced longer than I was married. That time just flew by.
Amy Capello [00:02:52]:
But I'm also remarried. Last October, I celebrated my five year anniversary, with my now husband and, yeah, enjoying life.
Leah Hadley [00:03:01]:
How many parallels there were in our stories that you meet. So I I also got married very young. I think I was 23, not 24. I was married for ten years and my children were also very young when we went through our divorce. Yeah. I love it. Well, divorce is a major life reset.
Leah Hadley [00:03:22]:
So what are some of the common boundary challenges that you see people who are facing divorce, and what are you what and why do so many people struggle with them?
Amy Capello [00:03:35]:
Yeah. So right. In my in my work being a balanced strategist, right, a big part of balance are our boundaries. And I think we have all probably, like, heard what a boundary is. We know what a boundary is. Like, as a culture, that's something that we've kind of adopted and and we have a working understanding of. But it's it's really funny because how those boundaries apply and what they look like, we that's lost on us sometimes. Right? And, my son actually, saw his therapist this week, and it was funny because he he came out with a printout of boundaries.
Amy Capello [00:04:09]:
And I was like, oh, I love that he's learning this, you know, at 11 years old. And all of the different types of boundaries that we have around conversation, around time, internal boundaries that we have for ourselves, and the list goes on, physical boundaries, emotional, mental. Right? There's a lot of them. But, you know, when we're going through divorce, our our life is out of balance. Right? The the existence that we knew for however long it was, whether it was short or long term, has been turned upside down. And sometimes that's more dramatic than other times, but it's been turned upside down and things are things are out of balance. So in times like that, I've noticed where we're feeling overwhelmed or exhausted or, just like things may be out of our control more normally than they usually are, right, more than they normally are, is when we need boundaries even more. That's when we need to adopt that even more and bring that into our life even more.
Amy Capello [00:05:07]:
It's not a time to abandon them because it's just too hard. It's a time to actually, like, tend toes down, stand firm, and have a foundation there. Right? And that is gonna be different for every person, but it's okay to say my normal boundary for my self care, let's just use that as an example, was that, you know, I get a massage once a month. Right? And that's that's a boundary I had to protect my my energy and my health. Well, maybe now it needs to be two times a month if you can financially afford it. Right? Or maybe it needs to be the the once a month I could still afford, but I'm gonna take another half day off a month because I need time for myself and I'm gonna go walk around the park. Right? Like, whatever it is, sometimes we need to make those adjustments to our boundaries and what we're sticking to. But it it just takes us acknowledging that, being honest about it, and giving ourselves permission to do it.
Leah Hadley [00:06:00]:
I love that so much to really think about how you can proactively, right, create those supports for yourself, especially when you are going through such a difficult life transition. Now many high achieving women are used to overcommitting at work, in relationships, and even in their personal healing, quite frankly. How can they redefine their priorities without feeling like they're dropping them off?
Amy Capello [00:06:27]:
Absolutely. So when, when we are overcommitting, right, like, overcommitting means I've already I'm already doing too much. I've already over the commitment. Right? And there can be a pull when we're going through divorce that we need to, we need to prove something.
Leah Hadley [00:06:44]:
That's right.
Amy Capello [00:06:44]:
And we might be feeling like we need to prove it to our ex that we are we are good and they're losing something. Right? Like or we might need to prove it to our children if we have kids that, like, I'm still a good mom and everything's gonna be okay and nothing's gonna change and you're still valuable and I'm still here for you. Right? Or it may be, that we need some to prove something to ourselves. I know I went through that. You know, I went straight from college where I lived with a roommate to living with my boyfriend who turned into living with my husband to divorce was the first time I lived by myself, and I had a I had a less than two year old kid with me. Right? It was like, woah, brother. Like, we're gonna we're gonna figure this out together. Right? Like, it was different, and I felt like I had to prove to myself, you know, that I that I could do this.
Amy Capello [00:07:29]:
Right? And a lot of times when we're trying to do that, we end up committing even more. Okay. Well, you know, as a mom, I was, you know, taking you, out to dinner once a week so we could have mom kid time, but now we're doing it three times a week. Right? Or, you know, I I used to read you a book to go to sleep on Friday and Saturday night because I had capacity, but now we're doing it every night. Right? Because I've gotta prove to you that I'm still there for you, and I've gotta prove to you, that I'm a good mom. And and it just turns into more and more and more overcommitment. This is a a time and space where we we can say to ourselves, my life is gonna look totally different now. What are my priorities? And there's no right or wrong.
Amy Capello [00:08:18]:
You don't have to feel guilty about it. If your priority needs you need to move higher up in your priority maybe, right, than you were before. That's okay. There's nothing wrong with it. But stepping back and saying, for the healthiest version of myself, for the best version of myself, what does it need to look like for me? If you have kids for your kids, and then just for your life structure, and then just sit with it. What what comes up? Right? So I'll give you a personal example. I I mourned a loss of my future. Right? So leading up to divorce, and I was the one who chose to leave my husband.
Amy Capello [00:08:53]:
So leading up to that, I mourned the loss of my husband. But by the time we got to the divorce process, I had mourned that. That that was done. Then I had to mourn like, oh, my life isn't gonna look the way I thought it was gonna look. Right?
Leah Hadley [00:09:03]:
That's right.
Amy Capello [00:09:04]:
And so I sat with it. I'm like, well, if I die tomorrow, what would I regret? And I I knew I was a good mom. I wouldn't regret the mom I was. I was a fantastic employee at the time. I wouldn't have regretted how I showed up at my job. My finances were in order. Wouldn't have regretted that. I would have regretted that I didn't travel more.
Amy Capello [00:09:22]:
That that's what came up. And at first, I felt guilty about it, and then I was like, actually, no. This is a core part of who I am. I didn't do that a lot in my marriage because my ex didn't want to travel like I wanted to travel. So I booked a solo trip to Peru, and I went and saw Machu Picchu by myself. I don't speak Spanish. Right? And but it felt so good to say that's gonna be a priority for me, and I have permission to do that. And I actually show up better as a human, better as an employee, better as a mom, better as me when I allow that to be a priority.
Leah Hadley [00:09:54]:
I love that so much. And so many of my clients, when they are kinda grieving, that well, whether it's a divorce or, like, you're talking about future plans, a lot of them are grieving loss of, those travel dreams. That is an area where a lot of people feel like, well, now I don't have this partner, so I'm not able to do this. And I love what you were sharing, Amy, about going and doing it for yourself and doing that on your own. What was that experience like?
Amy Capello [00:10:24]:
Oh my gosh. It was absolutely terrifying. Right. Thank God for Google Translate. It was absolutely terrifying. But it was it was also very empowering. Like, I can't imagine, you know, I so I was, like, like, 31, 30 two ish, and having never internationally traveled solo. I've done international travel, but never solo.
Amy Capello [00:10:48]:
As a woman in a foreign speaking language, country where I don't speak that language, but I had all I'm a planner, like I'm a spreadsheet girly, like I've got everything linked and organized. So everything, everything was Yeah. Everything was in place, everything was solid. And, I remember, my driver was outside the airport in, Cusco, Peru, and he was holding up my sign. I was like, okay, I'm gonna be okay. I'm gonna be okay. Right? And I took a selfie with him. I said, I need to text my dad.
Amy Capello [00:11:26]:
Right? I might be in my thirties, but, like, my mom and dad are like, woah. You know? So I sent them a picture, and I'm like, I'm safe. I'm good. Right? And and I I had all the supports to make sure that I was gonna be safe, but I just even traveling solo, and that's a whole another conversation I could talk about for hours, but, I I connected with people. I had lunch with families from all over the globe at the at the top of Machu Picchu. There's a a restaurant there associated with the hotel. We all have lunch together. Right? And and we took photos together.
Amy Capello [00:11:55]:
Like, it was it was such a beautiful experience that if it had just been me and a partner, I would have just been talking to them, and that might not have happened, and that might have happened in the same way. But I also just got to show up as me. I get to eat what I want, go where I wanna, do what I wanted, and know that I could do it. So if any especially women are listening and you're worried about your own, like, ability, feel free to shoot me a message. I will talk to you about traveling all day long, but, like, find ways that that can help you know that you can stand on your own two feet. And for me, it was traveling to another country, and I've never looked back. I still I'm married again and still travel solo because it was so much fun, and I love it that much.
Leah Hadley [00:12:33]:
That is awesome. That is so wonderful. And so those who are listening, I actually have several people in my network who plan travel specifically for women post divorce. So reach out and give me a connection. Certainly, solo travel is another option, but there's just, you know, so many options to allow those dreams to continue to happen regardless of whether or not you are divorced or married or I love it. I love it. Emotional boundaries can be really tricky, especially when we're talking about co parenting and we're talking about ex partners. And quite frankly, even when we're talking about well meaning family and friends.
Leah Hadley [00:13:15]:
What mindset shifts or strategies help people protect their energy and peace?
Amy Capello [00:13:20]:
Yeah. Absolutely. I think a lot of this comes down to self awareness. So, if you can reflect on your own and say or with the therapist. Right? But, like, developing that self awareness that when this person said this thing, when this person did this thing, when this person didn't do that thing, I felt some kinda way about it. I felt some kinda way about it. When we can own that, when we can be vulnerable enough with ourselves to be like, that triggered me. That got the best of me.
Amy Capello [00:13:55]:
That, you know, that worked its way into me and I thought about it. It held way more mental and emotional space than I would want it to. That actually is very, it's very revealing. I have found that people people are mirrors for us. Right? And, so when we're feeling away, we're really being mirrored to ourselves on what we need to work on. Right? Other people are gonna be other people. We can't control them. We can't change them.
Amy Capello [00:14:24]:
We can't manipulate them, not forever, right, to the way that we want them to be. And so we have to say, okay. If they're gonna be who they are, what do I need to do to be me, and keep myself in a healthy place? Right? So when I get, upset about something, oftentimes, I'm very valid in my feelings. I have a right to be upset. The thing that was done was really crappy. Right? Or a ball got dropped. That was a really crappy ball to drop. And especially when especially when it affects my child.
Amy Capello [00:14:58]:
Like, that's the fastest way to get me triggered is when it deals with my kid. Right? Like, that's that's the fastest way to get to me is through my child. Then it's like then I feel then I and this is where it's tricky. Right? That it's not I'm not being self reflective. Right? I'm defending my kid. Right? Well, no. It's still me reacting.
Leah Hadley [00:15:16]:
Right.
Amy Capello [00:15:17]:
It's still me reacting. Right? And so, I use a lot of strategies that, that are helpful. Nonresponse, my therapist taught me this, so I can't claim this, but my therapist is a a genius. And she taught me no response is a response. Yeah. That's what it is. Response. Right? And so learning that my my power and my confidence and my strength lie in how I regulate me, not how I regulate the world around me, has allowed me to be like, I actually don't need to respond to that text message, or this is one I love.
Amy Capello [00:15:54]:
That's not my job. That's not my job. Information and you say, you know, hey, send me this. I already did it before. That's not my job. I don't need to do that again. But I don't even communicate that. I just don't say anything and let you figure it out.
Amy Capello [00:16:11]:
Right? Anybody. Right? That could be a coworker, that could be a partner, that could be anybody. And and it is my job to communicate. It is my job to provide information. It is my job to show up well. It is my job to, be a partner, to the extent that I can. And outside of that, I protect myself mentally and emotionally by knowing, again, where that boundary is of what is and isn't my job and being vulnerable enough to say, that triggered me. What do I need to do on my end to mirror back what I want from the situation?
Leah Hadley [00:16:49]:
So important. Now in your bio, you talked about whole life balance Yeah. Rather than just work life balance. How does that concept apply to somebody who might be rebuilding after a divorce? First of all, just talk to us a little bit about what that concept is.
Amy Capello [00:17:06]:
Yeah. Absolutely. So, I don't believe that work life balance exists. It just doesn't exist. That's why nobody has it. Right? Like, if you look around, everybody's like, I'm trying. I'm working towards it. I want it.
Amy Capello [00:17:20]:
Like, no one you know, and I use it in my marketing because it's a phrase that everybody uses, but, like, it doesn't exist. It's not real. Right? So the phrase that I use is whole life balance because, we we don't fit into two buckets. You know, like, life is is part in work. Right? Like, at work, we we, if you have a team or if you work with a team, like, we celebrate birthdays together. We we help each other go through divorces. We, know people have bad days, and we need to, like, maybe buy them lunch or whatever. Like, this it's life.
Amy Capello [00:17:52]:
Like, we life at work. Right? And then and then we go and do life, and we're thinking about work. Right? Those two are not mutually exclusive. And also there's a whole lot more to me. It work life balance almost gives the impression that half of my existence as a human needs to be work, and half is everything else. When in reality, work should be this and all of this should be this. Lumping life together means we forget and it's easy to get lost in my relationship, in my children, in my home, in my finances, in myself, in my fun, in my joy, in my sorrow, in my, free time, in my gardening, in my hiking, in my travel. Like, there's so much.
Amy Capello [00:18:36]:
Right? That if we just say life, then we're like, well, life got full with my kids.
Leah Hadley [00:18:44]:
Yep.
Amy Capello [00:18:44]:
Right? That bucket's full with my kids, and so everything else just kinda gets forgotten. Whereas if we think about our our existence as whole and each one of those things is a bucket, it's so much easier to be like, dang. Like, my kid bucket is full, but myself bucket is like this. Right? And then we can actually start to take an approach to balance that allows for all of who we are, ourselves as a whole human, to be taken into consideration.
Leah Hadley [00:19:15]:
So what are some of the first steps to creating something that is sustainable and fulfilling as far as that balance goes?
Amy Capello [00:19:23]:
Yeah. Absolutely. So, something that I love doing with my clients and I love doing in workshops is I actually will give people, like, in a workshop, a worksheet with buckets, like, pictures of little buckets. And I ask for everybody to, just label the buckets. Label the buckets. What what are the pieces of your life? And some people have more or less, you know, different label. It it really doesn't matter. Like, whatever it is, there's no right or wrong.
Amy Capello [00:19:46]:
Just whatever your buckets are. Like, I hate gardening. Gardening would actually never be a bucket for me. I'm really good at killing plants. I'm not good at keeping them alive. So we label our buckets. Right? And then the first step, once the buckets are labeled is to think about how much in a percentage of time, effort, and energy you're putting into each bucket. But here's the thing.
Amy Capello [00:20:10]:
Here's the kicker. Each one of us is a 100% a person. You're not 10% a person.
Leah Hadley [00:20:20]:
That's right.
Amy Capello [00:20:21]:
You're 100% a person. No more. No less. You're not even 50% a person. You're 100% a person. Right? So your bucket has to add up to 100%. It can't be more than that. And just doing that alone is like, holy crap.
Amy Capello [00:20:39]:
My partner bucket was getting, like, 1%. I thought it was more. It feels like more. But in reality, when I see the % totaling up, my partner bucket was getting 1%. My self bucket was getting 5%. Right? Like, whatever it shakes out to be, but just do that, and that will help the scales fall off of our eyes nine times out of 10. And then you can say, okay. How do I want my buckets to look? How do I want my buckets to look? And allocate that % of you the way you want it to be.
Amy Capello [00:21:17]:
Do you want 30% to be going to your partner? Do you want 50% to be going to you? Right? And then what do you need to do to create that? And that's a whole other other thing. But, you know, what do you need to do to create that?
Leah Hadley [00:21:30]:
That's a great first step. Start with the buckets. I love that. It's so practical and so simple. Right?
Amy Capello [00:21:34]:
Yes. Yes.
Leah Hadley [00:21:36]:
It's so eye opening. Yeah. When you're going through something that's so overwhelming, I mean, that really is what you need. That's practical, simple, like, you know, I love that even much. Now, Amy, you have a way for people to connect with you for free. Talk to us about that.
Amy Capello [00:21:49]:
Yes. Absolutely. So, I have what is called my VIP, very important person, Balance Collective. It's a group of individuals that are all working towards balance in their lives. And, it's a fun, sometimes irreverent, often full of cuss words, place to be. And that lands in your inbox every Tuesday at 10AM. Only and exclusively for my VIP balance group are we having free coaching, quarterly master classes at no cost whatsoever, tips, strategies, journal prompts, open conversations.
Amy Capello [00:22:28]:
And very frequently, we also have prizes and contests. So if we're working on a particular subject or strategy, I'll ask for people to email me back what they're working on. And if you email me back, you get entered into a drawing I just gave away a $25 gift card, a week ago. So, we have a great time in there. It's a lot of fun. It's a wonderful community. And, I would love to invite anybody in that wants to be in there.
Leah Hadley [00:22:50]:
That is such a wonderful resource. And we will include a link in the show notes so you all can find your way there. But, really, what an awesome opportunity to take advantage of. Amy, where can people find you online?
Amy Capello [00:23:03]:
Yes. So you can find me, Amy Capello, on LinkedIn, or you can follow all of the Pure Joy Life Coaching handles on Instagram and on Facebook. And if you wanna connect with me personally on Facebook as well, please feel free to do that. Just look for Amy Capello, and I'll pop right up.
Leah Hadley [00:23:19]:
Fantastic. Amy, again, I really appreciate your wisdom, your practical tips. This has been such a joy.
Amy Capello [00:23:26]:
Thank you so much. I love this conversation. Thank you for for having me.
Leah Hadley [00:23:30]:
My pleasure. And for our listeners, we'll see you next week.
Leah Hadley [00:23:34]:
Thank you for joining me on Intentional Divorce Insights. It's a privilege to share this time with you. I hope each episode offers valuable guidance to navigate your journey. If you find our content helpful, please leave a review to help others discover the benefits of intentional decision making in divorce. Until next time, take care and continue to embrace your path with intention.
