Leah Hadley [00:00:01]:
Welcome to Intentional Divorce Insights. I'm Leah Hadley, certified divorce financial analyst, accredited financial counselor, and the founder of Intentional Divorce Solutions. I'll be your guide through the complexities of divorce, finance, and emotional wellness. Join me as we uncover practical tips and empowering insights to help you navigate your divorce with clarity and intention. Hi there, and welcome back to Intentional Divorce Insights. It is my pleasure to welcome our guest today, Michele Heffron, who is a certified life relationship and divorce coach who draws on her own life experiences with divorce, career transitions, money issues, and relationship dynamics to help other people navigate through their own life transitions. Michele's personal belief in the power of coaching is a living testament to what's possible for us all when we simply let things go, ask for help, and open our hearts to see what else is possible. Whether faced with something as monumental as divorce, becoming an empty nester, or simply looking for what's next in life, Michele guides her clients to the process of transformation by listening, asking questions, the kinds your girlfriends would never ask, providing a safe non-judgmental space for them to share and express feelings while they gain clarity about their path forward in their new life.
Leah Hadley [00:01:28]:
Thank you so much for being with us, Michele. Welcome.
Michele Heffron [00:01:30]:
Oh, my goodness. Thank you, Leah. It's a pleasure to be here.
Leah Hadley [00:01:35]:
So tell me a little bit about kind of how you got into the work that you're doing.
Michele Heffron [00:01:40]:
Gosh, that's a great question. So I went through my second divorce, 15 years ago, and it was really a brutal divorce. And at the time, I had left a career. I had been a stay at home mom for about 10 years. So my son was 10 at the time. I had a daughter in college. And when I discovered or I just when it when it became clear that we were gonna be going through a divorce, I didn't have a job. I didn't have a bank account.
Michele Heffron [00:02:11]:
I didn't know that. I didn't even have a credit card in my name, and I didn't know where I was going to live. And I didn't stay in our family home, so I essentially left with nothing and started over. And yes, I got some settlement, but I didn't do well through it. I didn't fare well through it at all. I made so many mistakes because I simply didn't know better. I didn't know what I was needing to do. I hired a very good attorney, but he was turns out to be the wrong attorney for me.
Michele Heffron [00:02:44]:
I didn't have someone like you, Leah, you know, to help me figure out what I did have in terms of my financial assets and things. And, you know, I just sort of floundered around, and then I pretended like I knew what I was doing because I didn't wanna look foolish. And that made things even worse. The divorce dragged out far longer than it needed to. And when I got through the whole thing, I was so exasperated, all I wanted to do was have it over. And I realized through that process that that is just not the way divorce is supposed to go. And, of course, none of us go into marriage thinking that we're going to get divorced, but we also need to be a little more educated if we go down that path. And I think that is really it was a long path.
Michele Heffron [00:03:34]:
I didn't just instantly become a a coach. It took me a long time. I ended up hiring a coach. And it wasn't because of the divorce, I was just trying to reinvent my life. I was trying to figure out what I was gonna do. I mean, I had a kid in college and I had a son and I was trying to be a single mom and trying to figure this all out. And so I hired a coach and she kinda helped me get onto a trajectory and then I worked with a number of other people and then I started kind of understanding that I actually could create my own life if I put my mind to it, set my intentions, and really, did what it took to build myself up. I didn't have to be one of those statistics.
Michele Heffron [00:04:18]:
And then before I knew it, people were coming to me asking for help with their divorces. And, at the same time, I was starting to run an organization that was quite large. I had a staff and so I got my certification as a coach thinking I would just coach people and my staff and people. And before I knew it, I started my business and then I got certified in divorce. And now I really am looking at more of a transformational, you know, holistic approach to how divorce happens for people. And so it was an evolution. It didn't happen overnight, but, gosh, it's been just an amazing ride.
Leah Hadley [00:05:02]:
I so appreciate you sharing your story. I know there are a lot of details that will really resonate with many in our audience, especially around, you know, just the lack of information and knowledge around the finances and really having to reestablish that for yourself on your own, it can be so daunting for so many people.
Michele Heffron [00:05:23]:
Yeah. It is. And I don't know what anything means. I didn't back then. I made a settlement on something that I thought seemed like a good deal and, you know, when I just didn't know. And I was afraid, actually. I was afraid to bring anybody else in because I was actually afraid of my ex husband, And I didn't I didn't know what rights I had and what I didn't have, and my attorney didn't help me with that at all. And so that that just you know? And it wasn't because he was a bad person.
Michele Heffron [00:05:57]:
What I've learned and what I coach my people on now is that it's your divorce, you set the agenda and you drive it. It's not about somebody else telling you what you need to do. You need to be educated and figure out what it is that you need to know and one of that is your finances.
Leah Hadley [00:06:14]:
Absolutely. Now, as you know, divorce is often described as one of life's most emotionally challenging experiences. How do you help your clients navigate just the overwhelming emotions that arise during that time?
Michele Heffron [00:06:30]:
It's such a great question. You know, it takes a little time because our emotions and our feelings actually really matter. The big thing I really help people with is get a little more a lot more intentional about how they want to show up during their divorce, how they want to come out of their divorce, and who they wanna be through it. And this is important because once we set intentions, we always have that to go back to. So when things get a little rocky, and they do. I mean, I've seen just some, you probably have too, just some really horrible behavior. I mean, not always, but sometimes it's just horrible behavior. And it really always comes back to how are you managing it through because we can never change anybody else's behavior.
Michele Heffron [00:07:24]:
No matter how much we complain or try to get the courts to stop people from doing this or that, it's really always comes back to how are we going to manage our own selves through it. So I really just help people kinda come back to who they're being because at the end of this, we want some sense of well-being, some sense of peace. And when we start to become Teflon, I often explain it to my clients in this way is that you you just have to become Teflon. You can't let everybody else be bombarding you, especially your ex or soon to be ex is that it you you literally evolve into a different person through this process. And I also try to help them do that because if even in negotiations, if you're showing up as the person you were during the marriage, you're going to get more of what you already were receiving. If you start to change your behaviors and how you're managing yourself, you show up differently, the outcomes will be different. And so this is where I really kind of ground into this more holistic approach to this because it's kind of who you are overall.
Leah Hadley [00:08:39]:
And you emphasize showing up with intention during divorce. What does that look like in practice and why is that so important?
Michele Heffron [00:08:46]:
I think in practice it is it's getting to the point and this takes some time I think for a lot of people. I mean, sometimes I'll work with people who are in maybe that discernment phase, like they've been thinking and thinking and thinking, and then they decide something needs to be done, but they don't know what it is. So that might be, you know, more time. So during that discernment phase, I often try to help people kind of create an intention for themselves in some sort of a vision or who they wanna be. Because oftentimes, when we get to that stage of actually going through this divorce, we are so angry. We are, you know, it's sometimes hard to to even settle our whole selves down, but it there is a process, and I really do, try to educate people. And the more information they have, the less fearful there'll be of things. It doesn't mean that outcomes are gonna necessarily be easier.
Michele Heffron [00:09:43]:
It's just that when you have information, you have a better sense of what is and able to accept what is. So really, part of that intention is is is getting to that point of acceptance. This is happening. Now what? Now what do we wanna do now? How do you wanna be if you've got kids? I mean, what are you what are you modeling for your children? Now your ex may not always be on board with that, and oftentimes they're not, but we still really wanna always get back to that intention. And, and it so it it's an individual thing, Leah. I mean, you know, I couldn't say, oh, it's a prescribed thing. It's gonna take 6 weeks, and we'll be able to build out this intention. I mean, you know, it really depends on the person.
Michele Heffron [00:10:29]:
And highly emotional people, which is understandable, sometimes might take a little more time because they really feel like they've been, you know, they feel under attack a lot of the time, which is understandable too. Or we've been married to narcissistic type people, and that's really, really, really hard to get through. And so just depends on the person. So everything, all the work I do is really, unprescribed, if you will. It's it's really customized to the individual and what their needs are and what their capacity is. Some people don't have the capacity to build an intention. We we might have to work at that for a while, right?
Leah Hadley [00:11:12]:
Right. Absolutely. It's a good point. And so often, I find that people are comparing themselves to other people who have gone through a divorce or are going through a divorce. And everybody's situation is so unique and you're right, people have different capacities, and it makes such a huge difference. So I love that you, don't have like a prescribed process.
Michele Heffron [00:11:35]:
Yeah. And I think to your point is one of the things, you know, I run into so much is people that comparison thing that you talk about. Comparison is I just heard it said the other day, it could be a teacher or it could be torture, because comparison you know, really, those other people's, divorces out there, are theirs. They are it's information, so gathering information isn't a bad thing. But if you're torturing yourself by comparing yourself to your sisters or your mothers or, you know, your best friends, then what you're doing is getting misinformation for yourself. So iyou can use these other things as a guide, but no one's is the same. No one's circumstances are the same. You know, here's an instance, and you probably run into this a lot with people wanting to keep their homes.
Michele Heffron [00:12:37]:
I will never forget, I you know, we lived in this big house, suburbia, but I didn't have a job. I didn't have a way to support a house even if I got awarded the house. I didn't know how I would manage it. It was big, huge yard, all that stuff. I I simply couldn't have maintained it. And, you know, I thought at the beginning, I had to have that house, I had to have that house, and then my mom stood on my doorstep one day as she was leaving. She was, I don't know how you're gonna take care of all this. Why don't you just move? And I was like, oh, I guess I could do that.
Michele Heffron [00:13:11]:
And all of a sudden the house didn't matter anymore. I know that's not the same for everybody, but it was like one of these things is like, but everybody else gets to keep their house. I'm like, but why do I care? It's a house. Right. I mean, I I really had to learn how to let go of things that at the end of the day really weren't going to matter that much to I mean, you know? So that was that was hard, but that's how other people's divorces I think differ. We have to be really, really careful about just taking note of the information but not acting on everybody else's advice.
Leah Hadley [00:13:54]:
Right. Right. And I see in so many groups online, you know, people asking questions and then all these different people kind of chiming in with information that so often, like, as a professional, when I'm reading the question, I'm like, there's so many more questions that need to be answered before I could even think to have a response. But somehow all these people have a response, not knowing this person at all in the overall situation, what state they're from or what have you. But I can see where people really get stuck in it.
Michele Heffron [00:14:27]:
Oh, I totally do. And I think to your point is that the question sometimes get asked and we don't even define what it is exactly. I mean, everybody's definition of a committed relationship might be different. Everyone's definition of, you know, name it. It could be different. And so we're not even comparing apples to apples here.
Leah Hadley [00:14:58]:
Yeah. Absolutely. Now I know that divorce can really trigger feelings of failure or guilt for a lot of people. And how do you help your clients move past those particular emotions and see the bigger picture?
Michele Heffron [00:15:11]:
Yeah. That's such a great question because everybody has their own, we'll call it, suitcases that they bring into the situation. And helping them more see where that fear and that guilt and that, that maybe the shame that comes along with it. I find it's it's helpful to dig a little deeper to understand where those things are coming from so we can kinda connect the dots a little bit to where we are now. Because oftentimes and this sounds you know, I know a lot of people don't love that deeper work, but we are little children running around in adult bodies, and we get triggered by these things sometimes, which are stemming from some childhood wound or something like that. And oftentimes, it shows up in the way we our emotions and our feelings and all these things. And, you know, and a lot of times it's cultural, a lot of times it's how our caregivers treated us when we were little, and a host of different things. But when we can bring those things into a light, so there was a little bit more awareness of it, What's happening here? We can begin to see how we can shift into our adult selves knowing that the little person is actually safe there.
Michele Heffron [00:16:41]:
And, and I feel like this is, missed a lot of the times because it's not we hear I hear so many people say, oh, my friends or my mother or somebody says I should just move on. And it really isn't about moving on as much as it is about moving through this with a greater sense of awareness and understanding of who you are through it. And that's what I talk about really evolving, expanding who you are so you actually can come to manage these emotions and and self soothe without, you know, using vices to do so. It's really about kind of grounding into who you are. So it's a process. I mean, you know, we talk about the layers of an onion, and it sometimes it just takes peeling back some of that stuff so we can actually move through that emotion. And it's hard because people wanna they wanna get to the thing. They wanna see what's, you know, what's the next step, what's the next step, or how do I you know, whatever.
Michele Heffron [00:17:48]:
You know? So I try to help people slow down a little bit and pause. I do incorporate a lot of, journaling, for their own emotions. Incorporate a lot of meditation, you know, to the degree that people are open to that. And then I also provide a lot of resources for people to read about so they have a deeper understanding of, you know, whatever their situation is.
Leah Hadley [00:18:19]:
Sure. And I know kinda what you're talking about is that loss of identity for many people. And I'm curious, how do you kinda help them rebuild that sense of and step into their new life?
Michele Heffron [00:18:35]:
Yeah. I think, being clear about that that identity maybe that you might be stepping out of and the importance of it and why it's important, and then starting to see how they could create a new identity, because I think that's oftentimes where a lot of the shame comes from too, a lot of the fear. I mean, I see this in people who are leaving corporate America to retire. They're losing an identity, right?
Leah Hadley [00:19:11]:
Absolutely. It's huge part of retirement that people often don't spend any time thinking about or planning for,
Leah Hadley [00:19:18]:
a lot of people really spend those 1st few years of retirement kind of flailing.
Michele Heffron [00:19:22]:
Exactly. And so the, you know, the other part of it is also kind of, helping people create a solid program for self care. And self care isn't just taking yourself to get your nails done or a spa day, which I'm all for, by the way. But self care also means starting to create some boundaries for yourself and then also starting to create a new vision for your life. So visioning what's possible beyond this divorce, because I really think that this doesn't define who you are. You get to define who you are through the process, and that's some of the we do is redefine who you are. I mean, you know, being a married person and whatever it is, I mean, that was a role you played and you identified with that, but there's so much more out there if you really think about what else is possible. So we do a lot of visioning too just to see what else is coming down the pike.
Michele Heffron [00:20:26]:
I mean, you know, I kind of feel like when I'm working with the divorce clients, Leah, is that there's sort of 2 tracks, that really kind of run congruently because one of them is the practical pieces of a divorce, you know, the what's next, who do you need to talk to? How do you need to communicate? All these kinds of things. And so you're working along that line, but then that emotional piece of it, that other side of that becoming is going to drive how that practical side goes in so many ways.
Leah Hadley [00:21:03]:
That makes a lot of sense. Michele, I so appreciate you sharing your insights with us today. This has been such a wonderful conversation, and I'm sure there are folks who are listening who are gonna want to learn more about you and your services. Where can they find more information about you?
Michele Heffron [00:21:19]:
Thank you. Well, you can visit my website, which is micheleheffron.com, and it's michele with one l, micheleheffron.com. I have a podcast called Getting to the Heart, Life, Relationships, and Divorce. That's on all the major platforms. You can follow me on Instagram, Facebook, and LinkedIn. And, also, I write a weekly newsletter. I will offer all kinds of information and stories, and just awesome things for, as you're going through this. So you can also subscribe to my newsletter.
Leah Hadley [00:21:57]:
So many great resources. Thank you so much. We will include links to everything that Michele has shared in the show notes, so be sure to check those out. Again, Michele, thank you so much for your time. For our listeners, we look forward to talking with you next week. Thank you for joining me on Intentional Divorce Insights. It's a privilege to share this time with you. I hope each episode offers valuable guidance to navigate your journey.
Leah Hadley [00:22:22]:
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