Leah Hadley [00:00:01]:
Welcome to Intentional Divorce Insights. I'm Leah Hadley, certified divorce financial analyst, accredited financial counselor, and the founder of Intentional Divorce Solutions. I'll be your guide through the complexities of divorce, finance, and emotional wellness. Join me as we uncover practical tips and empowering insights to help you navigate your divorce with clarity and intention. Hi, and welcome back to Intentional Divorce Insights. It is my pleasure to introduce our guest today who's talking about a very important topic. This is Lucy Price who is a breakup and relationship coach who helps individuals heal from heartbreak, get over their exes, and create fulfilling lives. Lucy specializes in guiding clients through the emotional challenge of breakups, teaching self love, and helping them rebuild confidence and clarity for the future.
Leah Hadley [00:00:55]:
Welcome, Lucy.
Lucy Price [00:00:57]:
Thank you so much for having me. It's such a pleasure to be here, Leah.
Leah Hadley [00:00:59]:
Oh, it is my pleasure. And the topic we're talking about, I heard Lucy talking on another podcast about, social media and divorce. And I was like, I have to have her on to talk about this, because it's such an important topic, and it really does come up so frequently.
Lucy Price [00:01:17]:
Yeah. It's such a important topic, and it's one that I feel is very new in the grand scheme of the world and navigating separations. You know, now more than ever, we have a peek into people's lives. And sometimes that comes with its own unique challenges. You know? So it's one that I think I I'm just so grateful to be able to discuss it because I don't see a lot of people talking about this quite yet. And I think it's one of those conversations that has a lot of ups and downs, is very nuanced, but is important in today's day and age where we're only getting more invested in technology. We're only getting more invested in social media. So knowing some tools and ways to navigate that when you're in the emotional throes of a separation, I think it's just really helpful and important for people.
Leah Hadley [00:02:08]:
Absolutely. Yeah. And it's even, you know, not just the emotional piece, which is huge. Right? And that kinda interaction with different platforms. But then I see it all the time coming up in cases where people are posting things that then comes up in their case, that could have been avoided, which, hopefully, we'll get some good tips on how to kinda think about using social media, during your divorce. So, Lucy, how can social media both help and hinder the healing process during a divorce?
Lucy Price [00:02:38]:
So I think that the perks of social media is it connects you to other people and helps to give you community. And I think that when you're going through a separation, it can feel very isolating and very alone. You feel like maybe you're the only person who's had certain difficulties come up in a breakup or divorce. And having that linked to other people is, I do think, a perk of social media. Now more than other ever, we can link to different communities and different people who are going through similar experiences that we're going through. I also think, you know, most of my clients, they find me through Instagram. So I think also it links us to different support systems just from coaches or therapists or, you know, lawyers. Like, there are links in terms of support that also comes through social media.
Lucy Price [00:03:30]:
So I do think that there are perks to social media. The downside is that what you put on the Internet stays on the Internet. And sometimes when you are in an emotionally vulnerable place, when you feel hurt, you may see something out of deep, deep emotion, but not think about how it could be used later or who could see this or how this could affect your children or your case in your, you know, a court case. So I think it's one of those things that it can be it's a tool at the end of the day. It can be a great tool for connection, for placing you in front of resources that can help you heal, that can help you rebuild your life, move forward, get information about finances, get information about, you know, setting up your life again. But I also think that it's a permanent place. And if you're not careful, if you're not mindful, it can be a place that trips you up later down the line when you weren't expecting it, when you were just in an emotional place or wanting support, wanting to be seen, heard, and validated. And and so you posted something without knowing how it could affect you later.
Leah Hadley [00:04:37]:
Such important points. Absolutely. And I was just thinking about how, you know, it can be a great place for connection, but also when you're feeling down, you can connect with other people who are feeling down. That'll bring you down even further, which you gotta be really careful about that.
Lucy Price [00:04:54]:
Yeah. And that's where I go back to the the tool element of just if you're following people, if you're engaging in content and you are noticing yourself feeling depleted, you're noticing yourself feeling down, emotionally disrupted afterwards, I think that's a signal that maybe this is not the right person to be following. Maybe this is not the right community to be engaged in because there's a line. Right? There's a line between being seen, heard, and validated and then slipping into despair or dwelling, ruminating, staying stuck. And I think that that's where nuance is very important in how we use social media because it can eventually, if you're not, following the helpful channels or the ones that are uplifting you, you can actually get stuck in the healing process, I find.
Leah Hadley [00:05:46]:
Yeah. Absolutely. So what are some key boundaries to set when it comes to sharing personal divorce details on social media?
Lucy Price [00:05:48]:
So it's all nuance, of course, depending on someone's situation. But the rule of thumb that I tend to go by is, are you okay with anybody seeing this? And that's because, you know, you might put something in a private group, and someone could take a screenshot of it and send it to your your ex mother-in-law, could send it to your child, could send it to the court, could send it anywhere. So if you're posting on social media, if you're seeking community, if you're wanting to share your experience, are you just okay with that being seen somewhere else? So that's a personal boundary. I think that's something that you have to just consider with yourself. In terms of allowing other people in, I think that's where we can start thinking about, okay. Do you wanna block people from your social media channels? Do you wanna block people on Instagram? Do you want to unfriend people on Facebook? Do you wanna put those structural boundaries in place? Because you wanna be able to show up freely in your own life? You wanna be able to share whatever it is you're you're sharing without instantly wondering if your ex is seeing your stories or without just immediately thinking who's going to see this. Because even though anyone eventually down the line might see something you post on social media, that isn't always the case. Like, more often than not, if you do put up those boundaries of blocking or unfollowing, unfriending people, there there are some safety nets in place that they're not just gonna immediately see it.
Lucy Price [00:07:28]:
So I do think that's an important consideration to think about in terms of would blocking your ex, would limiting the reach they have to your accounts help you feel more secure, help you to feel like you can post on social media and be yourself?
Leah Hadley [00:07:45]:
Yeah. That was an important boundary that I set for myself when I went through my own divorce is, I unfriended my ex. And it wasn't we had a relatively relatively amicable divorce. Obviously, there were issues. We were getting divorced, and there were some challenges through that process. But what I was finding is when I would see his stuff on social media, it just didn't make me feel good. Like, it just you know? And so I just decided, like, I don't want to be seeing that. And that's when I did create that boundary, I was feeling so much better.
Leah Hadley [00:08:19]:
Like, it made such a big difference for me.
Lucy Price [00:08:21]:
I have a very similar story with one of the worst separations that I went through. I would go on social media. I would go on Instagram specifically, and something would pop up unexpectedly that was posted by him or posted by mutual friends. And I really had to think about how is this affecting me. Because that's the the other thing about social media. You can't control what you immediately put up. The algorithm is a very tricky beast. And so it's going to show you either what you engage in or what what you have engaged in in the past.
Lucy Price [00:08:56]:
And if you're connected to your ex on social media, chances are you've engaged a fair amount with each other on social media. So it's gonna put that at the top of your feed.
Leah Hadley [00:09:04]:
That's a really good point.
Lucy Price [00:09:06]:
And you have to think about, is this helpful for me? And I noticed in my own experience, it wasn't helpful because I would, you know, have a great day. I would see my friends. I would go to the store. I would go out for coffee, and then I would pull out my phone and I would just get so activated because they posted a picture. And it wasn't fair to me. It wasn't kind to me. So sometimes blocking your ex isn't it doesn't even have to be about your ex. It's about what's best for you and how can you choose what's best for you through the lens of social media.
Leah Hadley [00:09:37]:
Yeah. Absolutely. And the other point that you made, and I talk to my daughter about all the time, is that people can take screenshots of things that you feel like are private. Right? So with the teenagers, you know, Snapchat is a really big thing, and they feel like they're having that, you know, 1 on 1 conversation. But so frequently, they're taking the screenshots and saving it and showing it and, you know, places that they didn't expect it to be seen. And so I like that you said, just assume. Just assume that everybody would see it. And would you post it for everybody to see it or not? It's such an important point.
Lucy Price [00:10:14]:
I think it's just the safest. It's the safest course of action to assume that anybody can see what you put out there. Because like you said, even with something like Snapchat, where one of the big appeals with Snapchat when it first came out was you only see this for a day on the stories, and you only see this for 10 seconds when they send a photo well you can still screenshot. Mhmm. So you can see it forever.
Leah Hadley [00:10:39]:
Absolutely. Yeah. So how can individuals protect themselves from negative or harmful interactions on social media, such as online criticism or unwanted opinions while they're navigating their divorce?
Lucy Price [00:10:50]:
So I like to think first about controlling the controllables. So the controllables that I see when it comes to social media is how you show up, who you are connected with, and the amount that you, talk about your separation and allow people to to know about what's going on. So I do think there's an element of, okay. You know, of course, we go back to the blocking, we go back to the unfollowing, the unfriending. I think that's an element. I think when it comes to friends and family, you have the ability to have more 1 on 1 in person conversations of, hey. When you made that comment about my ex or about the separation or about what happened on this post that I posted, that this is how it affected me. This is what came up for me.
Lucy Price [00:11:45]:
And my ask of you is that you just refrain from doing that because we're you know, this is affecting me in a way that doesn't feel good. We're still going through the divorce proceedings. We're still navigating this. We have kids together. And if, you know, my kids saw this, I wouldn't want them to see my ex in this light. So you can just start to think about how can I have these personal conversations with people when it is personal connection? And then that kinda leads into the, okay, what do you do when it's not your friend? What do you do when it's a stranger?
Leah Hadley [00:12:16]:
Right.
Lucy Price [00:12:16]:
That's a little bit more difficult. Just to be transparent because we can in the same way that the Internet is forever, there's only so much we can do to limit how other people use the Internet as well. So I think there's some things in terms of, sure, you can turn off comments, you can, block people if they're engaging in a way that doesn't feel good or supportive to you around your separation or your divorce. But then I think there's the conversation of how can you look after yourself if someone does say something that affects you, and how can you support yourself through that? How can you see that comment or see that dialogue and actually, you know what? This isn't about me. They don't know the full picture, and they I'm not going to allow this to affect me in this way. And I'm gonna, you know what, turn off my phone. I'm going to go ahead and engage in my own community and get my own emotional support. I'm going to go ahead and do some self care.
Lucy Price [00:13:18]:
I'm going to look after myself and make sure that I'm supported because, unfortunately, there is only so much we can do in that regard. So control what you can control, have conversations with people who you can have conversations with, know the features of the app, know that you can block people, that you can mute people, that you can restrict people to a certain degree, you can turn off comments. But then in the cases where those still get through, how can you support yourself emotionally and mentally in those moments?
Leah Hadley [00:13:50]:
So I like this because right now, you know, when somebody's going through this process, they're feeling so vulnerable. Yeah. And so maybe in a healthier state of mind, a comment might be made, and it wouldn't bother you at all. But when you're already going through this challenge and feeling so vulnerable, and especially I see it, so I used to be in a lot of different Facebook support groups for people going through a divorce. I had some issues with my Facebook profile and had to create a new one, so I'm not in them anymore. But, what I would see is somebody really needing help, needing support, or at least you needing somebody to kinda validate them and getting sort of the opposite response in the comments. And it's like, you know, clearly, this person is going here for support, and this is the response. Right? But, also, I also would see a lot of miscommunication where, like I was saying before, if you were in a different state of mind, you may have taken a comment differently, and it wouldn't have had to blow up the way that it did.
Lucy Price [00:14:55]:
Yeah. And I think that's where there's sometimes and this is hard. Let me say that first. This is hard when you're already in an emotional vulnerable place. It's not necessarily the easiest thing to do this, but I think that's also when it's helpful sometimes if you do see a comment, if you do see backlash on something to take a pause and go, where might I be misinterpreting this message? Where might I be misreading this message? Where might I be making a story out of this comment that isn't actually factually being said right now? And that's not easy to do because when you're in an emotional place, when you're really feeling tense, and scared, and frustrated, it's it's sometimes difficult to take that pause and go, how else could I read this right now? Because you're you're seeing it through the lens of, no. They they mean to hurt me. They mean to kick me when I'm down. They mean this in this way.
Lucy Price [00:16:01]:
And sometimes you can get really hooked into that when you're already in that vulnerable place. And so I think that's where pausing is helpful after being hit with a comment or backlash that you didn't expect and just kind of questioning and pausing. Is there another way I could read this? Is there a way I could be misinterpreting this right now?
Leah Hadley [00:16:22]:
Yeah. Those are 2 of the great skills that are taught in DBT therapy is taking that pause and checking the facts. Right? So making sure that you're operating off the actual facts instead of your kind of interpretation or what maybe you've created in your mind.
Lucy Price [00:16:36]:
Yeah. Absolutely. Because we I I always say that humans love to make meaning. We love to figure things out. Our brains love to think. And it will come up with stories. It will come up with stories if you allow it. And so going back to the facts of a situation can help ground you.
Lucy Price [00:16:54]:
It can help reestablish your kind of like center point, which is which allows it to be a lot easier to navigate the situation as a whole anyway.
Leah Hadley [00:17:04]:
Yeah. Absolutely. So we've all been there. What is your advice, Lucy, for avoiding the temptation to stalk your ex on social media during a divorce?
Lucy Price [00:17:15]:
So I think it's helpful to have a moment of going back to pausing and sitting with yourself and asking what am I hoping to get out of this? What am I hoping to see? What am I trying to do here? Because I think sometimes it's just so instinctual. It's like, oh, I gotta know. I gotta know what they're doing. I've gotta know if they've moved on. I've gotta know if they're seeing somebody else. I gotta know if they're happy. So just taking that moment to pause and go, what am I trying to get out of this can be really helpful. Because you might notice you're trying to get comfort.
Lucy Price [00:17:48]:
You might notice you're trying to get validation by proving that they never cared about you. You might notice that you're trying to have a certain need met. And so when you question that or get curious about that, you might also notice that you can get that need met in another way. You can get your emotions validated in another way. You can find comfort in another way. So I think questioning is really helpful. I would also say make it hard for yourself. This is one of those, things that I don't think we talk about enough, but there are some blockers that we can do to instinctually just going on their profile.
Lucy Price [00:18:26]:
So one of the things that I'm thinking about is muting their profile. Like, if you don't want to unfriend them, if you don't wanna block them, mute them. You can do something on Facebook, which is unfollowing them, but make it so that you have to actively search for them to see their profile. Because sometimes it's just a case of they popped up on our feed and now we wanna know what they're doing. So how can you put one step, how can you make that one step away from you? Make it a little bit harder for you. I would also say that if if you're in that place, you're probably whatever you see is probably not actually gonna feel good, and just knowing that can be helpful. It's like, okay. Well, if they haven't moved on, is that really gonna make you feel better? If they have moved on, is that really gonna make you feel better? Like, it's a lose lose situation either way.
Lucy Price [00:19:20]:
And I think knowing that for yourself can bring comfort. The last piece is a lot of discipline. It's a lot of breaking the habit. So when you notice yourself feeling the urge to check their social media, have something else you can immediately do instead. I like to create a short list with my clients. It's like, okay, whenever you feel this urge, what's a short list of things you can do instead? Can you, you know, journal? Can you text a friend? Can you treat yourself to something? Like, what is that short list of things you can do to divert your attention away from this unhelpful activity?
Leah Hadley [00:19:59]:
So this may seem like a strange parallel, but I often work with people who struggle with impulsive shopping. And so a lot of what you're saying works really well for that too. Right? Like, unsubscribing from the promotional emails, like, taking the apps off your phone, removing your cart, just making that a little bit more difficult for yourself. But also and and I think really critical to have a plan to do something else instead. Because if you are having the impulse to do something, and you're just trying to not do it, it's like a losing battle. Right? But having that short list of other things that you might do, are there things that you have found helpful for people that they might do instead?
Lucy Price [00:20:44]:
So one of the things that I it so because it's a tech thing, this might sound a little silly, but I have actually found it to be helpful. You're already on your phone. So sometimes the idea of, like, putting the phone down and doing something physical in the world can seem, like, a little bit too challenging. Like, if we're just being honest, we're kinda living in that damn world now. But, like, the thing that I've noticed I say funnily to be helpful is actually, like, looking up a funny video or looking up, like, a comfort video of some kind because then you're still, like, fulfilling the, like, tech need. You're still following through on that loop. Right. But it's like a dopamine hit.
Lucy Price [00:21:26]:
It's something that feels lighthearted and fun or interesting to you in some way. So, like, my personal example is I'm a huge cat person. I'm like the stereotypical, like, cat lady. And so what I would do is, like, during my one of my hardest separations, I would whenever I felt that urge to go on their profile, I would look up a cute cat video. I would look up, like, mister Grumpy or whatever her the cat's name was, and I would just have, like, that fun little dopamine hit to complete that tech cycle need that I had. So that's one of the things that I find to be helpful. A non tech thing that I do find to be helpful, though, is getting back into your body. And that's because, like, when we're on tech, we're so heady, we're already in our mind.
Lucy Price [00:22:15]:
The circuits are already going. And so I do find if you want it to be a non tech thing, putting the phone down, and I call it gently jarring your system a little bit. So, like, running your hands under cold water, doing a few jumping jacks, doing something to come back into your physical body. Maybe that's just standing up. It could be anything. But do something to tap back into your body because when we're so far in our heads and where we're going down the mental rabbit hole of what are they doing, who are they seeing, what are they up to, it can be helpful to just shut the brain off for a second and come back to the body.
Leah Hadley [00:22:54]:
When my kids were younger, we used to do, like, when when I was getting stressed or frustrated and, you know, overwhelmed, I guess, by having little ones, we used to dance parties just like you know, just for, like, 5 minutes or whatever. But you just kinda, like, shake it out and get the energy moving, and it just puts everybody in a better mindset and everything.
Lucy Price [00:23:14]:
It absolutely does. And it's it's something that to it only takes 3 to 5 minutes. You know, songs are not that long, and so putting on a song and dancing it out is a brilliant idea because it just it breaks you out of that cycle. And that's kind of what it's what I'm thinking about is, like, how can we just break that habit? Yeah. Going back to the the shopping, like, that that addiction quality, I think that we do see that in our relationships too. Like, I think that the part of what's probably going on is this person has been a part of your life for years. This is someone who you love, someone who you cared about or still care about.
Lucy Price [00:23:55]:
And there's natural detangling that has to happen when you're going through a separation, a divorce, a breakup, because you've spent so much time with them and knowing about their life, that it feels strange to your brain to not know about their life anymore. So part of that is your brain is also seeking comfort in the familiar, and knowing what your ex is up to is what's familiar to you. So I also think there's, like, an invitation to be gentle with yourself and compassionate with yourself because you are going through a process of unknowing someone right now.
Leah Hadley [00:24:34]:
Such a good point. Lucy, I so appreciate this conversation. I think it's such an important topic that, like you said, we don't talk enough about. So thank you so much for being with us today. Where can people learn more about you?
Lucy Price [00:24:47]:
So you can find out more about me on my website, www.shiftyourstory.net. You can also find me on Instagram or TikTok at lucy.m.price, or I also have a podcast as well. So breakups and breakthroughs if you wanna listen to any of that.
Leah Hadley [00:25:02]:
Well, excellent. Thank you again for being here, and we will see you next week. Thank you for joining me on Intentional Divorce Insights. It's a privilege to share this time with you. I hope each episode offers valuable guidance to navigate your journey. If you find our content helpful, please leave a review to help others discover the benefits of intentional decision making in divorce. Until next time, take care and continue to embrace your path with intention.