Leah Hadley [00:00:01]:
Welcome to Intentional Divorce Insights. I'm Leah Hadley, certified divorce financial analyst, accredited financial counselor, and the founder of Intentional Divorce Solutions. I'll be your guide through the complexities of divorce, finance, and emotional wellness. Join me as we uncover practical tips and empowering insights to help you navigate your divorce with clarity and intention. Welcome back to Intentional Divorce Insights. I am thrilled to have our guest back today. We have Liesel Darby, our mediator and divorce coach here at Intentional Divorce Solutions. And we're gonna talk all about today excuse me.
Leah Hadley [00:00:40]:
We're gonna talk today all about having a restart and what that looks like. So, Liesel, what do you mean when you say you're doing a restart? What's your experience been with that?
Liesel Darby [00:00:52]:
Mhmm. I have a lot of experience with restarts. For me, it's basically a fresh start. It's a do over. Sometimes it's because we we're choosing to do that. Sometimes it's because life has thrown us a curve ball that we weren't expecting, and you've been knocked over, but now you have no choice but to kinda do a restart. Yeah. I when I was married, I did a lot of restarts.
Liesel Darby [00:01:22]:
My husband's position required us to move quite a bit, and we never knew when that was coming. But whenever we it did happen, we just handled it as this is a new adventure. We're gonna make the best of it. We're gonna meet new friends. I'm gonna get a new job. We're gonna have a new house. And we made it kind of exciting. However, when I got divorced, that was not quite so fun.
Liesel Darby [00:01:49]:
That one just kinda came out of the blue, and I had some fear with that one. With the moving, we never had fear. With my divorce, I did have some fear with that, and I just had to make a conscious decision that this was gonna be a new chapter in my life. And how I approached it was gonna make a big difference in whether I basically, how long I stayed down for the count versus how fastly I how fastly. How quickly how quickly I could rebound and start making some good decisions for myself and move forward. So intentions I kinda mentioned that int intentions played a big part in this. It's kinda interesting because when we were moving, those changes came fast, but we just kinda went with it. We didn't have a lot of intentions with that as far as, like, really thinking about, okay.
Liesel Darby [00:02:47]:
What are we gonna do here? It was kinda like he went ahead. We he bought a house a lot of times without me even seeing it. He had a list of what we needed. It wasn't as quite as crazy as that sounds, but, we just kinda really went with the flow. Didn't put a whole lot of worrying into it. But when I got divorced, intention really played a large part of this because there were all kinds of areas in my life that I had to take a fresh look at and see what was gonna come forward with me and what I was gonna leave behind, and what that was gonna look like for a new life for me.
Leah Hadley [00:03:30]:
So tell me a little bit more about what you mean by being intentional. Is that different from setting goals?
Liesel Darby [00:03:37]:
Yeah. So goals and intentions, first of all, they should be aligned, so they are related. But goals really are about defining a desired destination or outcome sometime in the future. And intentions focus more on the immediate situation, and you're really paying attention to how you, want to show up in that moment. And it's something an intention is like something you mean to carry out. So intentions are kind of, the like I said, in the moment kind of thing. A goal can be bigger, forward focused, and intention has more to do with day to day showing up.
Leah Hadley [00:04:19]:
So what are some of the major areas that may require a restart after a divorce?
Liesel Darby [00:04:28]:
Oh, for some people, it can be their whole life. Others feel like it. Yes. It does. Doesn't for a lot of people, it doesn't have to be every single piece of your life. But for me, it really it was pretty much everything. So one of the first things was okay. So we're selling the house.
Liesel Darby [00:04:47]:
So that meant that I had to find a new place to live. It needed to be a safe place because as a newly single woman, for me, safety came first. Right? I knew I was gonna be living in an apartment, so I moved out of a really nice house in a nice neighborhood. And I was like, the fear around that was, what am I gonna be able to afford? What's that gonna look like? You know, when you're in that fear, you kinda go to the worst case scenario. Like, I don't know. I don't wanna be living in Skid Row or anything like that. Wasn't sure what my budget was going to allow. And the other thing for me was I had to be able to take my cats with me, so that was my number one priority.
Liesel Darby [00:05:37]:
You have to make priorities when you're doing this. So that was one thing was that the housing situation. You might have to find a job. Maybe you're lucky enough that you are established in your job and you make good money, and that's not gonna be quite the, the big deal that it is for some people. But I know, like, for me, I wasn't employed at that time. So that was a scary thing. You know, I I was a therapist for years, and I had been working to recreate myself as a corporate trainer when this happened, but that wasn't really firmly established yet. And so and I didn't know what spousal support was gonna look like. So fear is about unanswered questions. Right? So those were my unanswered questions, is how am I gonna support myself? Once I had those answers as far as the spousal support, that made a big difference.
Liesel Darby [00:06:18]:
But I still had the question of what am I gonna do with my life now because I do need to eventually be able to support myself.
Leah Hadley [00:06:25]:
Yeah. I was pretty well established in my career when I went through my divorce, that I didn't have the kind of job that would lend itself well to being a single mom. So sometimes even when you do have that job, you still have to make some changes because of other circumstances in your life. So it can be a big change for a lot of people.
Liesel Darby [00:06:44]:
It can be a lot. And sometimes, let's say even like you said, you are let's say you do have a steady job, but what are your bills gonna look like now that you don't have 2 incomes? I know a lot of women end up having to take a second job or a a side gig, you know, or look for a higher paying job. All of that can be stressful. It's why when all this other stuff is blowing up in your face. So yeah. So that's another that's another big one. So we've got housing.
Liesel Darby [00:07:14]:
We've got money. Got the finance piece of it. Let's see. You you might find that your relationships with your friends have changed or acquaintances. I was surprised by who kind of fell by the wayside. I know a lot of times friends feel like they have to choose sides if they're if they're mutual friends, if they're couples' friends, which a lot of times when you're married, you do tend to have friends that are couples and you do stuff like that with other couples. But sometimes they fall away. And I was surprised at who did that.
Liesel Darby [00:07:50]:
There weren't many, but I was surprised at the ones who did. And then I just was really grateful to the ones who stood by me and were a support system to me. I mean, they didn't have to hate him, but they did stay friends with me. And that was that was a good thing. But it's also a time when you might wanna take a look at your social circle. Because I know a lot of times we say, oh, I have a lot of friends, but are they really friends or are they just acquaintances? And, why are they in your life? You start to ask some deeper questions, and that goes to being intentional as well. Like, you might find yourself that you don't have a whole lot of time left to socialize if once you're trying to, you know, be a a single parent or a co parent, you might be having you can't divvy up all those tasks with another person so easily as far as taking care of the kids, if kids are involved. But, and there might be some people that they're kinda dead wood.
Liesel Darby [00:08:50]:
Maybe they were friends of you because you were in a couple and they were kinda like your social circle. Do you really like them? You might not. You might like one more than the other, but it's just a time again to just kinda take a look and see what's going on here. Another thing is dating. Yeah. I actually, I would say, please don't try that too soon after you have this I have a divorce. You need I really think you need some time to just be by yourself and figure some things out before you go out. A lot of women I I know will go out and start dating because they feel lonely.
Liesel Darby [00:09:31]:
You know? Maybe they're so used to being part of a couple that you can really be lonely when you're at home now watching TV and maybe the kids are in bed and it's and it hits hard sometimes. It hard it hits hard a lot of times, actually. So try to resist, just running out there straight away just because you don't wanna be alone or you're feeling lonely. And those are two different things too. Being alone is different from being lonely. You can be alone and be fine, and you can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely.
Leah Hadley [00:10:08]:
Yeah. You'll appreciate this. I'm going to a conference later this week, and, all of my kids were like, well, aren't you gonna be lonely? Don't you wanna take one of us with you? And I was like, no. I'm gonna enjoy my alone time. I will not be lonely.
Liesel Darby [00:10:23]:
I will not be lonely. That's exactly right. Yeah. So yeah. The so those are those are some big things. Also, like, I did massive downsizing when I when I was having to move from a 2500 square foot house down to an apartment that's less than a 1000 square feet. So a lot of things went I remember I had a Saturn VUE at the time, you know, like an SUV thing.
Liesel Darby [00:10:54]:
I filled that thing up 12 times and took stuff took stuff to Salvation Army. And my actually, when it was part of my daily goal was I needed to find 5 things to get rid of. And that did a couple things. It it made me start looking at what was gonna fit, what I liked, what I didn't like, what was a reminder of my marriage, what I didn't wanna ever see again, what would fit into the new place. And it also may it gave me a reason to get out of house every day. So I had to actually put some real clothes on and wash my hair and be seen in public. And I I I got rid of a lot of stuff, and I got rid of things immediately. You know, there was infidelity involved in my divorce, and I remember I just I took all the wedding pictures.
Liesel Darby [00:11:48]:
I just threw them in the trash. They just went immediately into the trash. And then I, I remember I was up. I couldn't sleep one morning, and I one night about 3 AM, I went down. I got the boxes of photos. This is before we you know, everything was digitized, and I just started going through and ripping up any photo that he was in. It was very therapeutic. You might not wanna do all of that if you have children involved.
Liesel Darby [00:12:17]:
You might wanna keep a couple of pictures. But for me, it was like, no. These have got to go. I also remember, like, I went through, I I any jewelry he gave me, I sold, and that was my going out money for a long time. I got rid of any clothes that he had given me, you know, any any gifts. Just anything that for me, I I did, like, a really drastic purge. I was not sentimental during this stage. Some people might be, and that's perfectly okay.
Liesel Darby [00:12:50]:
The point of being intentional is just really taking a look at what you wanna keep. Does it bring you joy? If you still like it, if you have good memories attached to something, by all means, keep it. You don't have to throw everything out all at once. It can be a process. Some people wanna hold on to things because it's, you know, a comfort for now, but maybe later on, you're like, I can get rid of this. Also and for me, again, I was moving to a much smaller place. I could not take everything. So I had to be really discerning in what was gonna make the cut and what I liked and what was gonna fit in with my new lifestyle.
Liesel Darby [00:13:28]:
So, yeah, that's where intention fit into that. And, again, it can change over time. You might not be as drastic as I was with getting rid of things, and you can take your time. That's okay.
Leah Hadley [00:13:41]:
Yeah. For sure. Now you mentioned dating a minute ago. I'm wondering if you have any suggestions for our listeners about how to have a restart when it comes to this area.
Liesel Darby [00:13:54]:
Yeah. So first of all, don't do it too soon. Yeah. I can't stress that that enough. Just kinda take your time with that. You're really recalibrating your whole lifestyle right now. If you have kids, you're transitioning from being a married partner to being a co parent. That's a whole different world as you know.
Liesel Darby [00:14:16]:
Even if you don't have kids, it's still a whole it's a whole different world. And the dating world, if you haven't been on the dating out in the dating world for a while, it might come as a shock to you. I've I had been on 4 different dating apps and I waited about a year before I even tried those. And it was that was an experience. That's a book. That's a book. So be prepared. But there are a couple things.
Liesel Darby [00:14:46]:
I would suggest once you start going dating, maybe not even try it as a way to find your new next big romance. You know, that's too much expectation for it. Just think of it as, you know, maybe meeting some nice people, seeing who else is out there. What do you like in people? What don't you like? Like for me, I got married at 22. I was, that's way too young. Looking back, it's like, what was I thinking? We were both done with college, though. We've been dating for, like, 4 years, so that was a natural progression. But looking back, I'm like, wow, we were so young.
Liesel Darby [00:15:25]:
And I didn't have a lot of dating history. So it was very eye opening to me to spend some time with someone else who had different views, who came from different kinds of backgrounds, who had different points of, you know, different opinions from what I had, who treated me differently. It's okay. Just use this kind of as a like a sampling board. It's kind of a weird metaphor for that, but just kinda see what's out there. And here's the best piece of this is if you can approach it as a practice for, for noticing green flags, like the things that you like about a person that you're dating, and also the red flags. Because I know a lot of times, we we get into relationships and the red flags are there, but because we're blinded by love or, you know, whatever, feelings are involved, we will overlook red flags, and they come back to bite us later on. And if you're going through a divorce, maybe look and see.
Liesel Darby [00:16:32]:
Did you were there red flags in that person that have led to this point? There may there might very well be. So take this time just to practice your intuition on this. If something tells you that something's off, listen to that this time. If you see that, you know, you don't like the way that they treat other people, that's a red flag. If they if you don't like the way that they're treating you, huge red flag. Different things in their backgrounds that you're thinking, you know, I really don't wanna deal with this. It's a red flag. And the other part of that is once you see a red flag, practice walking away.
Liesel Darby [00:17:12]:
You don't have to give somebody 20 chances. And, you know, it can be dependent on what it what it is the red flag is. Some are, you know, way more serious than others. But, you know, the first time a guy disrespects you, walk away. And he doesn't get another chance to treat you like that. Just things like that. I I think dating post divorce is a really good chance to really solidify what are you looking for the next time that you choose a partner, somebody you wanna date. And, you know, you you don't have to be looking at it like this is gonna be my next husband.
Liesel Darby [00:17:48]:
That's too much pressure. That's way too much pressure. Back way off and just think, is this somebody I'd like to spend some time with? Do they make me feel good? Do I feel good around them? Do we have interesting conversations? Do we have aligned values? Please know your top 5 deal breakers. Take some time to go through and write these down. Like, for me, I didn't wanna I didn't want anybody who smoked. Right? I dated a smoker when I was even before I was married, and I thought never again. I don't I just don't wanna deal with that. If you don't if somebody's, you know, drinking too much or using drugs, maybe that's one.
Liesel Darby [00:18:26]:
For me, another one is they have to like animals. So and you can't be allergic to cats. That's a deal breaker. I'm not gonna start down that road with somebody if that's gonna be a really big issue. So just take some time and just really sit with yourself and think, what do what do I looking for here? And, you know, weed out the ones that aren't gonna be a fit. You're not meant to like everybody, and everybody is not meant to like you. So it's okay to be discerning here. It's okay to be who you are.
Liesel Darby [00:18:57]:
You don't have to think, that you're less than any anybody else. I I remember it wasn't too long after I've been divorced, and I was actually dating a guy and another but we were meeting them at some place else, and I was in a car riding with a couple of other guys. And the guy in the back seat goes, oh, so you're divorced. Oh, so you're, you're damaged goods. I was like, what? What did you say? I am not damaged goods just because I'm divorced. No. No. No.
Liesel Darby [00:19:32]:
You don't have to you don't have to apologize for anything. You don't have to think that you're not good enough to date somebody else. And, hey, I get it. A lot of times depending on why your divorce is happening in the first place, your ego, your self esteem might have taken a beating. You might be feeling really down, but please don't be desperate. You don't have to be desperate for anybody's attention. It sends out the wrong signals. It's a wrong vibe.
Liesel Darby [00:20:02]:
Know your worth. Know what you bring to the table. If you and if you need time to take for yourself to remind yourself of who you are and all the wonderful qualities that you have, you might even wanna ask your friends and your family what they like about you. That can be a really nice ego boost to hear somebody just say, yeah, we adore you because you have your kindness, or you're so creative, or you're so good with kids. We love you know, the way that you could just whip up a dinner at a moment's notice and it's delicious. All kinds of things that you might not be giving yourself props for. So somebody else can do that for you and might be helpful during this time. Find some find some good support people, family.
Liesel Darby [00:20:49]:
Let them let them help you, because sometimes your energy can be really low when you're going through this. It just take it takes a lot sometimes, especially at the beginning when you're when you're still down, when you haven't started your restart yet, when you're just kind of on pause. And you can be in pause for a while. Don't I don't think anybody needs to think that the day after you, you know, you've decided you're getting a divorce that you have to pop up and start making all these great plans. Usually doesn't happen for us like that. It I went through a period where I cried for a long time. I couldn't even be in public for a couple weeks because if anybody was nice to me, I'd start crying. It was just like, oh, no.
Liesel Darby [00:21:31]:
I am not ready. I'm not ready yet. That's that took a couple weeks, and that that subsided. I was ready to take the next baby steps forward. So a restart doesn't have to be like a you know, you're shooting off a roller coaster. It just means really acknowledging that you're gonna have something different going forward, and you can make decisions. You can make all kinds of decisions and create a life that you will love and that will be beautiful. And it's gonna look different from what it was when you were married, and that's okay.
Liesel Darby [00:22:05]:
That's perfectly okay. And some of us are like, oh, thank God. I can't wait for this to be different than what it was. And others might be a little bit afraid of that. You know, but fear is just unanswered questions. So if you can identify what it is that you are afraid of, like, for me, it was financial stuff. The minute that I had some answers and knew that I would be okay with that, that helped. Or, you know, if you figure out, oh, like, I'm I really do need to get a second job to just to make these ends meet and have a little bit extra.
Liesel Darby [00:22:37]:
Okay. Let me start looking at what that job market looks like. You know, just those kinds of things. Once you start to identify what the what the deficit is and how are you going to go about, you know, getting your answers. You'll feel better. You'll feel better.
Leah Hadley [00:22:55]:
So as we approach the end of the year, a lot of times, people start talking about New Year's resolutions and kind of a fresh start in the New Year. I'm just curious. Do you set resolutions?
Liesel Darby [00:23:11]:
I do not. I've broken every single resolution I've ever set and pretty quickly. Those don't usually stick. And it wasn't until I I started, learning more about intentions that now I I set intentions. And those seem to last, a bit longer. They're not always perfect either, but they do they do last longer than, resolving to lose, you know, like 15 pounds in 3 months. Those never did seem to stick very well. So yeah.
Liesel Darby [00:23:46]:
So I I now I just again, it's more of a thought process. It's more like just taking some time to sit with myself, and journaling is really good to help clarify, you know, get those thoughts out of my head and write them down where I can look at them and tweak them and really think about it. What do I wanna do in this new year? And that's just kind of a natural fresh start place for a lot of us, probably for most of us, and that's coming up here pretty quick. So no. But I just, again, figure out what your values are. It's a really good time to sit down and think, what do I what's really important to me, and why? Why is this important to me? Keep asking yourself why something is important until you get down to the root cause until you it's circular and until you keep getting the same answer. That's an interesting exercise to do. You might ask yourself, the same question 5 or 6 times till you start to get sick of it until you but you'll find that you'll come down to a core answer, and that is that's gonna be your core value.
Liesel Darby [00:24:55]:
So take some time with that. Maybe make a list of what your core values are. Think about how you wanna show up in different circumstances and different situations going forward. Now this is all about looking forward. Right? You don't have to beat yourself up about anything in the past. It's all about moving forward. And just what would you like? You know, we all have a blank slate here. We are all capable of writing our next chapter, of writing our entire book, one chapter at a time.
Liesel Darby [00:25:24]:
So it's it to me, that's an exciting, and comforting thought, is that I can I can do whatever I wanna do. Might not be immediate. Right? The if you're looking for an end result, might not be immediate. Sometimes it helps to not be, chained to a specific outcome. Yeah. That's where a lot of people get disappointed if things don't work out exactly the way that they think it will. But something better might come along if you're open to the possibilities of that. It can be general.
Liesel Darby [00:25:57]:
Like, I I I would I would like to be happier this year. Okay? What has to align with that? Well, maybe it's I have to think be able to catch my thoughts, and if they're negative, I need to challenge those and change them into something different. Or maybe it's I want to be able to communicate, more clearly with other people in my life. Maybe I wanna be more patient with other people. Thing things like that. Those are things that if you set as your intention, that's how you wanna show up in the moment, and that will lead to broader goals that you have. So you don't have to to not set goals, and I but I don't set resolutions, but I still might set some goals. But they're tied to intentions.
Leah Hadley [00:26:42]:
Okay. So, Liesel, talk to our audience about how you support women with their restarts.
Liesel Darby [00:26:49]:
Okay. Yeah. So, you know, we I love that the name of our company is Intentional Divorce Solutions, and and that was very intentional. That that that kind of encapsulates the whole thing. That's what we offer. So if you're to a point where, you're gonna go through a divorce or you've decided that that's the next step or you're just kinda contemplating that, or maybe even if you've started that process and started checking around, we offer divorce mediation. And that is all about intention.
Liesel Darby [00:27:23]:
We talk to our couples who are going through that about how do you wanna show up in each mediation session? How do you want your kids to remember this divorce? How can you go forward being a co parent that's gonna be best for your family? Those are all very intentional aspects of what we do. We're not here to fight. We're not here, you know, to one person has to lose in order for one person to win. It's how do we make agreements intentionally that's gonna fit your family and your situation. So that's one thing. We also, I offer individual coaching, individual divorce coaching for women who need some clarity. It's really good for helping you get clarity. It's really good for helping you to move forward if you're feeling stuck, if you're feeling overwhelmed.
Liesel Darby [00:28:16]:
It's very helpful to start envisioning the life that you want, and then having somebody to be there to kinda walk the walk with you as you go through that process. Some people have a misconception that a divorce coach tells them what to do. It's the last thing I do. Okay. I'm not here to tell you what to do, but I am here to ask you some questions so that you can know for yourself what you need to do. Takes a lot of the fear out of it. It's good to have a buddy here who can you can bounce things off of, who's an objective person, kinda reality test some scenarios. We can we can role play situations.
Liesel Darby [00:29:00]:
We can figure out how you wanna tell the other person. There's all kinds of things you can do in divorce coaching that, again, is just to help you move forward and to find power. You know, we I believe that everybody has that power inside of them. It's not something you get from me, but I can I can help guide you and bring it out. So there's that. We also offer support group for women. You can join that. We can even have a free trial for that. Check us out, see how that fits.
Liesel Darby [00:29:29]:
And that that can be ongoing as as long as you want it to be. Same with individual coaching, as long as you need it.
Leah Hadley [00:29:38]:
Terrific. Well, thank you for taking some time to talk with me today, Liesel. I so appreciate you being here. And for our audience, be sure to check out those services if you could use some support in this new restart that you might be facing. For now, have a wonderful holiday season, and we'll see you next week. Thank you for joining me on Intentional Divorce Insights. It's a privilege to share this time with you. I hope each episode offers valuable guidance to navigate your journey.
Leah Hadley [00:30:08]:
If you find our content helpful, please leave a review to help others discover the benefits of intentional decision making in divorce. Until next time, take care and continue to embrace your path with intention.