Leah Hadley [00:00:01]:
Welcome to Intentional Divorce Insights. I'm Leah Hadley, certified divorce financial analyst, accredited financial counselor, and the founder of Intentional Divorce Solutions. I'll be your guide through the complexities of divorce, finance, and emotional wellness. Join me as we uncover practical tips and empowering insights to help you navigate your divorce with clarity and intention.
Leah Hadley [00:00:24]:
Welcome back to Intentional Divorce Insights. I am really looking forward to talking about our topic today because it is very timely. And quite frankly, whether you are going through a divorce or you are post divorce, the holidays can be a really challenging time. And we have a special guest today, Andrea, who is collaboratively trained certified divorce coach and mediator. She is the creator of the better than divorce program that helps those who want to minimize the impact of divorce on themselves and their children, reduce conflict, and come out better on the other side. Welcome, Andrea. Thank you so much for being with us.
Andra Davidson [00:01:04]:
Absolutely. Nice to be here. Thanks, Leah.
Leah Hadley [00:01:08]:
So, Andra, tell me a little bit about your background and how you got into the work that you're doing.
Andra Davidson [00:01:13]:
Yeah. Absolutely. So, I actually have a communications background. I've been in marketing and branding, working with crisis communications, large corporations, individuals, who are focused on corporate communication really over the years, and got divorced about 9 years ago and went through this process and started helping some of my friends sort of informally who, you know, are these amazing, capable, you know, accomplished people who are brought to their knees by the divorce process. Right? We've seen that a lot, in a way that very few other things will do to us. And one of my dear friends said to me, I don't know how people do this without you. And it really made me realize that there was an opportunity to help these strong, capable people to get back up on their feet. And I love doing that.
Andra Davidson [00:02:16]:
That feels like the work that I was really meant to do. So I pivoted and I, went and, you know, looked into all the different options and certifications and I, as you mentioned, I'm certified divorce coach. I have gone through all the levels of collaborative training here in Colorado, where I live, and, also got my, mediator training. And, I've been doing it since. So I love it, and that I bring, a lot of the communications background and knowledge that I gained in that career to this work, which I think, surprisingly, there is a tremendous amount of overlap actually in communication.
Leah Hadley [00:02:57]:
I just think that's fascinating coming from crisis communications into what really is a crisis in people's lives. Yep. And the communication piece of it, honestly, can make or break you. Right? Like, it can really make all the difference in the world, even just controlling our own communication, can have such a huge impact. Absolutely. Right? Really, in terms of how that other person is gonna interact with you. So So I just think that's a fascinating background to be coming from in doing this work that you do.
Andra Davidson [00:03:30]:
You're exactly right. You know, it's funny. I say to my clients and I remind people all the time that, the most effective tool we have in this divorce process is free, and it is completely in our control, and that is how we communicate. So no one can make you pick up the phone, respond to a text, say something you don't want. It feels like they can make you do that sometimes. Right. But when you realize that you have the control over those choices and that you when you take back that control into your court, it's a game changer. You you know, all of a sudden now you realize, oh, okay.
Andra Davidson [00:04:16]:
I can make some decisions here. I have confidence about the choices I'm making, more decision making power, more control. Yeah. Makes a big difference. So I love talking about communication. And it's a big one for the holidays. Yeah.
Leah Hadley [00:04:32]:
Absolutely. And we are entering this holiday season. We are recording this just before Halloween, and, you know, Thanksgiving is right around the corner, and then Christmas will follow soon thereafter, and all the other holidays that people celebrate this season. What are some of those strategies that you recommend for those who are going through their first holiday season post divorce or separation?
Andra Davidson [00:04:57]:
Yeah. So the first thing that I recommend people do is acknowledge that this is gonna be hard and different. I think the biggest thing is is really telling yourself it's okay that this one doesn't have to be just like all the others in the past. Give yourself permission to say this season, whatever you celebrate, whatever holiday it is that is, causing you anxiety, some people, you know, for Thanksgiving is their favorite thing in the world. Right? So if it's that for you, recognize and give yourself permission to do things a little bit differently this year. There's no requirement that, you know, you have to break out the perfect china, that you have to entertain for 40, even if that's what you've done in the past. Accepting that this time, especially this 1st year, is gonna look a little bit different can be this relief, that you give yourself permission to look at it differently. And so what does that actually mean for people? Right? What I really like to ask is what if you just sat with this for a little bit and thought, what would feel good this season? What what is that look like? Is it maybe going away, visiting somebody else that you don't normally see, having a smaller different thing, event, whatever whatever that is, just give yourself permission to entertain that it might look different this year, and see what feels right.
Andra Davidson [00:06:37]:
And then think about, what could I do to get there? If if what I want is a vacation by myself and I wanna pick up and go somewhere alone, could I actually make that happen? And those they're surprisingly attainable when you think about it, and realize that you may be the only limitation to doing the thing that feels better for yourself. That's one that's one good starting point.
Leah Hadley [00:07:09]:
Absolutely. And then there are those who have been doing this for years, but still get anxious and overwhelmed when it comes to the holiday season. What do you recommend for them?
Andra Davidson [00:07:21]:
Yeah. The holidays can be stressful for anybody even if you're happily married. Right? The holidays just can be a tough time, or you've been doing it on your own for years. So, again, giving yourself the opportunity to evaluate each year what looks like success for you. So there's a question that I love to ask, and I think actually this can be applied to a lot of situations. But if you fast forwarded to the end of the season and you looked back and you said, that was the best holiday season I've had in years, what did that look like for you? What did what when you said that, what did you envision? Was it, you know, quiet time? Was it time with, you know, someone that you haven't seen in a while? Was it, time just with your kids, breaking traditions? Whatever it is that gives you that feeling of peace, of relief, of, like, contentment, that is something then that you should look at and say, how can I get there? So in other words, start at the end. Right? Start at the end result and say, what does success look like, and how can I reverse engineer it to get to success? And there's a couple caveats with that. Right? If you do that and you realize, okay.
Andra Davidson [00:08:46]:
I don't wanna be alone. Let's say I'm worried about being alone, which is a, you know, very understandable and normal stress for a lot of people. Then you need to make sure to take the action to set yourself up to have plans. Ask some friends and family. Could I join you? Things are different for me this year. They might not know to ask. We often feel like they should know, but hanging on to those should and shouldn'ts will only cause you sadness in all likelihood. Right? What would happen if you just asked? And you said, could I join you? Or I'm feeling stressed about this.
Andra Davidson [00:09:29]:
Do you have any options? Would you come to me? Just put out there to your support system, to the people that you are really connected with and trust, that you would love a little bit of extra support this year, and that can be a game changer.
Leah Hadley [00:09:47]:
You know, that's so simple, but so important to recognize that we can communicate our needs to those people who care about us. And, really, like you're saying, set yourself up for success in ways that we are proactively doing, instead of just sort of letting things go and passively finding that you're not getting what you want and you're not, experiencing a holiday season that you would be looking forward to. And the reality is there are so many changes that happen in our lives over the years where holiday seasons change. Right? Divorce is certainly a bit more.
Leah Hadley [00:10:23]:
Loss of a loved one, kids growing up, people moving, people getting married. Right? There's so many changes that happen. This is one and it can be one that's difficult. But I think when we recognize the fact that it's okay for things to be different, It can just really give yourself some space, to to make it look like you want it to look. Right?
Andra Davidson [00:10:45]:
Exactly I love what you said, you know, it's okay for it to look different. When you give yourself that permission that this it this is a work in progress, and it's okay to figure that out every year if you want to. Every year, it's okay to look and see what am I gonna do to change it up. I have a client who, every year, you know, decorated to the nines. Right? Her Christmas Eve dinner was the most important thing. She planned it forever. She had the China out, the whatever. They had these very specific traditions that she loved, and that was really meaningful for her.
Andra Davidson [00:11:26]:
But when she was getting divorced, the thought of doing it was just overwhelming. She couldn't even imagine it. And I said, you know, she was really struggling with it, and we talked about she said, but I think it's what my kids want. And I said, okay. But the keyword there is think. Right? So let's talk to the kids and ask them what they want. Chances are that feels a little forced and inauthentic in this 1st year to them too. It feels like a lot.
Andra Davidson [00:11:57]:
Maybe to ask them and say, you guys, what would feel good to you this year and come up with something together that's new, that feels different, could be something that brings you all together and takes the pressure off. Right? That pressure is often self imposed. How can we give ourselves a little bit of a break and say, you know what? It's okay for me this year to do the best I can, and that may not look like it has in the past.
Leah Hadley [00:12:26]:
And one of the things that I hear from a lot of my clients, especially those with children with shared parenting schedules, is frustration around not having kids on a particular day that's really important to them.
Andra Davidson [00:12:38]:
Yeah.
Leah Hadley [00:12:39]:
But I often see families deciding, okay, maybe we're not together on Thanksgiving, but why don't we we're gonna have our Thanksgiving celebration on another day so we can still enjoy that moment together. It may just be on a different day. And so, again, creating the space for yourself and what you and your family wants to do, it can happen. It's just sometimes we have to be a little more creative.
Andra Davidson [00:13:03]:
That's right. You just have to open your mind to the possibility that there are other options. That's the first step. And then there are other options. Right? My family does Thanksgiving often on the Friday because my sister and I both have shared parenting, and we try to sync our kids, you know, but it doesn't it doesn't always work. Right? So we really when we can have all the kids to us, that's Thanksgiving. So we'll do it on a Friday absolutely because we've got them, and being together is the real gift. Having everybody together is the gift.
Andra Davidson [00:13:48]:
So, you know, we've gotten really creative about that. You know, what day works? We've really decided to prioritize, the the group that we have versus the day. And that's the other way to think about that. Right? What is the priority? Mhmm. Is it the actual day, or is it the people that you're with and the celebration that you create?
Leah Hadley [00:14:13]:
Right. Absolutely. Now the other issue that comes up a lot during the holidays is there are so many social events that people attend. And especially if you're newly single, those can feel, really complicated. Sometimes having the conversations about, you know, where where your spouse is and that kind of thing. What tips do you have for navigating social events?
Andra Davidson [00:14:38]:
Oh my gosh. This is such a good one. Yeah. So I like to say that divorce is a giant shit sandwich and that it is unfortunate that those of us in it just have to keep eating and figuring out how to get through it right to the other side. I think social events, when you are newly single can be at the top of the list of things that cause stress. Right? Right. Here is one thing that I love to do that I think makes a big difference. And, not surprisingly, it goes back to communication.
Andra Davidson [00:15:10]:
But come up with some messages that you feel comfortable sharing that are in your back pocket so that when somebody says to you those inevitable, inappropriate, or uncomfortable questions, oh my gosh. You know, what happened? I heard. Or, you know, do you wanna talk tell me what's he doing or she doing with such and such? Okay. We know how cringey it feels to get asked those kinds of questions. So what message could you put together for yourself that is in your back pocket that you know you have ready when you get asked those uncomfortable questions. So, for example, someone says, oh my gosh. I'm so you know, what happened? You guys seemed so happy. Right? We've all heard that one.
Andra Davidson [00:16:01]:
What if you just said, thanks for asking. I appreciate your concern. I really don't wanna talk about the details here, but I appreciate you thinking of me. Turn it around. Right? Make it positive that they are inquiring. Give them the benefit of the doubt whether or not, you know, it's necessarily, earned at that in that conversation, and turn it around and end it. Right? And then the other thing that we used to say in, crisis communications is, is change the message at the end, ask a question back to change the topic. So, for example, when you finish that, you could also say, tell me about your kids.
Andra Davidson [00:16:46]:
What's going on with you? You just change the subject. So when you can think about how am I gonna respond when someone asks me what happened, do I wanna go into the details, That's a choice that you make. Right? And you get to choose. No one can make you talk about those things. And you get to set those boundaries and feel comfortable saying, you know, I appreciate the question. I'd really rather not talk about that here. It's you get to end that. And so I really like having those messages in my back pocket for social events.
Andra Davidson [00:17:29]:
The other thing is prepare by, seeing if you can go with someone specifically. Ask, can I join you? Right? Can we go together? And I used to do a couple things where I would say, listen. Are you comfortable if at a certain point, I've just reached my limit? Can I say I need to go? Will you go with me? And it's really you know, think about fortifying yourself with your allies. Right? You get your get your besties on your on your wing. Right? So that when you walk in there and you feel like, oh my gosh. This is just too much for me. For whatever reason, maybe it's just doesn't feel good that day or there's people you don't really feel comfortable talking to. Set it up so that you know you're gonna ask somebody if they can leave with you and do it.
Andra Davidson [00:18:21]:
Or drive by yourself so that you can meet them there and walk in together, but then so that you can leave. Set yourself up for success. Don't be at the whim of other people's decisions. Put your power back in your court so that when you're choosing engagement with these social events, you get to disengage when you want to also.
Leah Hadley [00:18:44]:
That's so important to really feel like you have a plan going into the event, to allow you to really be empowered, through that process. So that way, again, the more proactive that we can be in kind of taking care of ourselves. And I love the communication strategy knowing that, yeah, people are curious. You know, sometimes people are nosy, but people also care about you. Right?
Andra Davidson [00:19:08]:
They might have a good intention. Yeah.
Leah Hadley [00:19:10]:
Right. Yeah. Acknowledging that those questions are gonna come up, but having that plan of how to respond, so that you're not, you know, going into your saga in the middle of your holiday event, and kind of, you know, bringing yourself down and that kind of a thing, but really being in in your power and and kinda responding in such a way that you kinda, you know, acknowledge the question and change the subject. I think that's fantastic.
Andra Davidson [00:19:37]:
Yeah. And I have, I have a little strategy I also call a power statement, which I which I love, which is like a little mantra or song lyric or prayer or, you know, saying quote, whatever it is, right, that gives you some strength and reminds you of your center and your power and having it, again, you know, in your back pocket, so to speak, where when things get tough, you remind yourself, I am strong and capable, and I can handle this. I, you know, I personally love the serenity prayer. I say that to myself all the time. I think it's just a really lovely way to reframe and sort of recenter myself. That works for me. For Ted Lasso fans, you may remember, when Rebecca, who, you know, is a powerful woman, surrounded by, a lot of men in her, in her line of work, She had there's this one scene where she is telling, Keeley and Nate how she gets her power before she goes into a meeting full of men when she's the only woman in that room. And she talks about how she goes into the bathroom and makes herself big in the mirror and and stands up really tall and makes this big expression.
Andra Davidson [00:21:04]:
And she goes she makes this big noise. Right? And I just love that so much. Think about doing something like that that gives you your power back, that reminds you of your strength and your confidence, and that you have what you need to walk into these rooms and whatever it is, and be the person that you authentically are. You don't have to apologize for that, and it will change the way that you interact in that room. And it gives you a little tool that you can rely on when you're feeling cornered or, uncomfortable. And remember that it's there for you. You are your you are your champion, and you get to remind yourself that you are awesome and you deserve an amazing future. May not feel like that in this very, very moment, but that's why you go back to those words.
Leah Hadley [00:22:03]:
Now I was on your website earlier, Andra, and I saw that you have a wonderful free gift that is available to people on your website. Can you tell us about that?
Andra Davidson [00:22:13]:
Sure. So, I have some scripts that you a template that you can download to help you figure out how to respond to people, when they are sort of doing the if I were you, you know, ill, if, you know, if my spouse did x y z, you know, he knows, she knows that they would get blah blah blah. It can be tough to respond to those. So scripts are a template that you can download and use, to help you come up with those messages. And I also have a communications workbook, that if you would like, I can send to you. It's not the pop up on the website anymore, but it is a free tool that I'm very happy to share with people.
Leah Hadley [00:23:01]:
Oh, fantastic. And how can they best reach you?
Andra Davidson [00:23:05]:
So my website is better than before divorce.com, and that's the easiest way. Everything is on there and, there's contact information, and I would love to talk with anybody who, is interested in learning more.
Leah Hadley [00:23:22]:
Fantastic. So that is such a great resource going right along with what we've been talking about, today. All about really being prepared in those communications to help things go more smoothly, whether it's holiday events or it's just, you know, picking your kid up from school or whatever, you know, it may be. You know, these conversations are gonna be coming up and being prepared for them is really gonna make things easier for you. So, Andra, I so appreciate you being here with us today and sharing your wisdom.
Andra Davidson [00:23:53]:
It is my pleasure. Thank you so much for having me.
Leah Hadley [00:23:56]:
And for our audience, we look forward to seeing you next week.
Leah Hadley [00:24:01]:
Thank you for joining me on Intentional Divorce Insights. It's a privilege to share this time with you. I hope each episode offers valuable guidance to navigate your journey. If you find our content helpful, please leave a review to help others discover the benefits of intentional decision making in divorce. Until next time, take care and continue to embrace your path with intention.
