Leah Hadley [00:00:01]:
Welcome to Intentional Divorce Insights. I'm Leah Hadley, certified divorce financial analyst, accredited financial counselor, and the founder of Intentional Divorce Solutions. I'll be your guide through the complexities of divorce, finance, and emotional wellness. Join me as we uncover practical tips and empowering insights to help you navigate your divorce with clarity and intention.
Leah Hadley [00:00:25]:
Hi. Welcome back to intentional divorce insights. It is my pleasure to introduce our guest today, Shaunna Lee. After nearly 20 years in corporate America and surviving 3 divorces, this mom of 4 founded a business that helps women fall in love and make more money. Using various modalities, she works with clients to create a customized wellness plan, set intentions, and manifest success and empowerment. She offers 1 on 1 coaching, writes books, hosts a podcast. She's a busy lady, and she helps her clients align with who they truly are. Welcome, Shaunna. Thanks for being with us.
Shaunna Lee [00:01:02]:
Thank you. Thank you so much for having me. It's a pleasure to be here.
Shaunna Lee [00:01:05]:
Absolutely. Shaunna, tell us a little bit about you and how you got into the work that you're doing.
Shaunna Lee [00:01:11]:
Oh, well, I got into the work I am doing, by intentional accident, I guess, is how you would say it. You know, life takes over. And I woke up one day about to turn 40. I was going through my 3rd divorce. I was embracing single motherhood again, and I was, you know, doing what we all do, working in corporate America, trying to juggle family and work and, you know, my own sanity. And then I lost my job. I was laid off for the first time and, newfound appreciation for people who have experienced this. And then I found myself at a new company at a small start up, and 6 months later was laid off from that position.
Shaunna Lee [00:02:01]:
So 2 jobs in a single year, and I thought, what the heck is going on? Okay. What what am I supposed to be doing? And I it took me, several, several years after that last divorce to really, kind of come to terms with what was my role in in each of these relationships ending, what was I supposed to be learning from this whole, you know, massive an experience, and, how could I use that to help other people? And so I wrote my first book. Well, I published my first book because I've written several. But it's called So You're Divorced, So What? It really was, my way of giving back, but mostly coming to terms with the fact that I didn't have to walk around shameful and embarrassed that I was divorced for the 3rd time. And it really was a a core component of my story, but it didn't define who I was. And so being able to kinda shift that story around divorce and use it to help other people, I say that it's the prettiest divorce book you'll ever read. It's pink. It's girly.
Shaunna Lee [00:03:09]:
It's square, so it looks different. But, anyways, I just you know, one thing led to another, and I wrote the book. And, mostly, that was for my own personal growth. And then I started the podcast, which I'm in the middle of rebranding, but currently it's called start again with Shaunna Lee. And it's all about highlighting stories of people who have started things later in life, written the books, started the business, started the podcast, and and done these things that had been calling to them their whole life, but hadn't ever actually done it. And so, I get to talk to all sorts of amazing people and, you know, then one day looks the same, and I get to give back and help. And hopefully, hopefully, my goal is that I am helping people avoid the pitfalls that I went through and getting them to a, you know, a better place faster and more efficient than I did.
Leah Hadley [00:04:02]:
Fantastic. I love even just the title of the book, because I do find that a lot of people feel a lot of shame around the d word. Right? Yes.
Shaunna Lee [00:04:13]:
Yes. It felt like I was, like, you know, the scarlet a. It was the scarlet d that I was walking around, especially when I was venturing into online dating and this whole idea of, like, admitting to somebody. Oh, I've been divorced three times. It it's like it instantly told people something about me, which did not feel true at all. Obviously, through my personal growth and development, I have realized, oh, wait. Some of that actually was true, so that was on me to kind of heal and work through. But, yeah.
Shaunna Lee [00:04:45]:
So just being able to let go of the the shame and the guilt, and I'm not scarring my children permanently for the rest of their life. Like, I'm actually creating a better situation for them. And so yeah.
Leah Hadley [00:04:57]:
Fantastic. So I was telling Shaunna before she and I, came on the recording that I had read one of her blog posts on her website that just really resonated with me. And so I wanted to share a little bit of that particular post with with you all. And then, Shaunna, you and I can kinda talk a little bit more about the principles. But the blog post is called how I used Reiki principles to minimize conflict with my ex. And I know that a lot of you who are listening do really struggle with conflict with your ex. And so I think this is a great topic. But let me just share how she starts this off.
Leah Hadley [00:05:34]:
This whole notion of co parenting makes me laugh when I really stop to think about it. Even though I could not manage to stay married to this person, I somehow think it's possible to successfully work together to raise our children. We agreed on next to nothing when we were married, but we are under the delusion that we all we will miraculously figure out how to be on the same page about discipline and consequences. Now listen, he and I have said some pretty terrible things to each other. Our history is tainted with trauma, unhealed wounds, and a good dose of mistreatment. It's so easy for me to label him as this or that. It's simple for me to blame him and feel completely justified, and I have. I have spent many nights, drinking wine with my girlfriends, lamenting the shitty hand I was dumped.
Leah Hadley [00:06:22]:
I've been seething with anger, frustrated by his choices, and thou might hurt by his actions. And yet, I know this to be true. It is possible to have a successful working relationship with this person you used to be married to. So, Shanna, I think so many in our audience can really resonate with all that I just read right there. But you say you know it to be true that you can have a successful working relationship, and you share how these Reiki principles can really be used to minimize conflict. Tell us about that.
Shaunna Lee [00:06:57]:
Yeah. So I in this whole healing journey I've been on, I got level 2 reiki certified. And so in the process of that certification, there's these precepts that I'm gonna go from memory, and see if I can remember all 5 of them. But I talk about it in the blog because before each Reiki session, when you're essentially calling in the divine healing energy to channel through you and go to your client, you have to run through these have to. You run through these precepts, which is kind of a reminder of where we should all be and kind of setting the intention for not only the day and where you wanna guide yourself, but specifically for that session. And so the first one is, just for today, I will let go of anger. Very difficult with an x. Just for today, I will let go of worry.
Shaunna Lee [00:07:49]:
Also just difficult as a single mom. Typically, we're struggling financially. Just for today, I will count my many blessings. I will I'm remembering the last one. Honestly. I will do my work honestly. The last one is the the clincher. It's the it's the big end.
Shaunna Lee [00:08:08]:
I will love all living things. And it wasn't until I right. You know? At the time, I was dealing with squirrels in my attic, and so I was like, okay. I'm gonna try to even love the squirrels. But when I realized that loving all living things included my ex husband, That was a showstopper for me. I was like, hold on a second. It's a little bit of a stretch. And so being able to really kind of come back to those as the precepts for how I was wanting to live my life and how it would guide my actions and how I would set my intentions.
Shaunna Lee [00:08:44]:
Like, each one of those really was so helpful. And I'm we're currently in the middle of a conflict, so this is such a timely conversation for me to remember this again because, you know, just because we have had a very great working relationship and we have co parented very, very well, it doesn't mean that we don't continue to have conflict and strife and tension, because people grow and kids grow and, you know, needs and desires change. So the the precepts are really kind of a good foundation for me to come back to on a regular basis just to be like, alright. Here's the goal. I can be loving towards this man who I'm currently having a disagreement with. I can see him for who he is, and I I find a lot of times when I can just understand that he's coming from a place of being a wounded human, then I can be more compassionate. And not to say that I am going to tolerate poor behavior or anything along those lines, but it helps me to be a little more compassionate and to, you know, not come out the gates with my fists ready to fight. And so, it has been a really helpful redirection for me.
Leah Hadley [00:10:04]:
Fantastic. And I know that first one, letting go of anger for a lot of people, especially those who might be going through a divorce or recently divorced, can really sound insurmountable in some cases. How do you recommend people go about letting go of anger?
Shaunna Lee [00:10:23]:
Well, first of all, I always say, be angry. Like, you are angry for a reason. And so being able to I I think a lot of our society, and I'm I have 3 daughters and one son, and a lot especially for the boys in our society, we we kind of expect them to be angry, but then we don't necessarily tolerate or handle women being angry very well. And so being able to just step back and say anger is just an emotion. And those emotions, if we don't feel them and let them out, they stay and they get stuck in our body, which is what led me to this whole healing, you know, Reiki path. And so being able to allow yourself to be angry is the first step. And then to recognize that anger is really just the the superficial top level emotion, and it's really hurt that let sits underneath that. And so when we can sit and really kind of be in that moment of I'm angry because I'm hurt and why am I hurt and be able to allow that to come out and up and out, I feel like that's what lets us then let go of anger.
Shaunna Lee [00:11:39]:
It's not realistic to say, okay. Today, I'm just not gonna be angry at this mofo who's doing these things. But if you just sit with like, it's okay to be angry and you're probably justified, but you don't have to stay angry. And it doesn't serve you or your children very well to sit in anger and to, like, stew about it, which guilty. I've done it. It's just not very productive. And so being able to, just give yourself the moment and then move past it and through it to get past it, is kind of those are my steps. Easier said easier said than done as well.
Shaunna Lee [00:12:17]:
Of course. Of course. Yeah. And you mentioned even like, especially, I guess, as a single mom, letting go of worry can really be a challenge. How do you recommend people let go of worry?
Shaunna Lee [00:12:29]:
Man, I feel like that one felt more impossible to me than letting go of anger. I I tend to go straight to the reason I'm angry and go to the hurt a little easier, I think, than most people. So I don't tend to sit in anger very very often, but, man, have I sat in some worry filled nights and days. And being able to come back to the the now moment has been helpful for me. So, you know, one of the examples that causes a lot of worry is typically money. And so being able to say, okay. Yes. I can't.
Shaunna Lee [00:13:05]:
Kids wanna ask for the sky and the moon and the stars, and they want everything that their friends have. And there have been so many moments where I have not been able to actually pay for the thing that they want, and it caused my own worry and strife and stress and guilt and all of the things that came along with that. And so for me to just be like, you know what? Okay. In this moment, no. I I can't go by the thing that they want, but I can do other things. And so I can say, alright. Well, I'm not gonna worry about that for right now. Doesn't mean I'm not I've kinda given myself permission.
Shaunna Lee [00:13:41]:
Doesn't mean I'm not gonna worry about it later, but maybe I just won't think about that today or for this hour or for these 5 minutes and just allow myself to shift from the worrying about it to what do I have in this moment? What can I do for my children? What, what is this creating the opportunity for me to get to do? Because I can't go buy the thing, but maybe I can you know, one of the time. One example, very specifically. If your kids are wanting to go out to eat, and there's a place called spare time here that my kids love to go to, and it's pricey to go and bowl and buy the terrible food that's overpriced and go to the arcade, and $20 per kid is never enough. And so it's just like you know, it's just one activity, but easily, it would be, you know, $100, 1.50. And so, you know, in moments of, not being able to, you know, buy a lot of groceries, that's not a thing that we're gonna do. But I could sit back and say, okay. Well, one of the traditions the traditions I created was family movie night on Friday nights, and it became this thing that my children looked forward to, but it was because it was it was free. We could sit at home and watch a movie.
Shaunna Lee [00:14:59]:
I could make popcorn. Mom could sit on the couch and relax because by Friday, I was spent. I can have a glass of wine. And we were doing this fun family activity, but, really, it was just giving myself permission to rest and do something that didn't cost a lot of money. And I built it up like it was this fun thing for my children, And it became a core memory for them of something fun that we did together. And, I mean, I guess, you know, we as single moms get to be resourceful and creative. And so that was just kind of one of the ways that I would let go of worry, and I would give myself that evening to not worry about the bills that aren't paid or the groceries I need to buy or whatever the thing is. And I could just sit in the moment and enjoy time with my kids and take a break,
Leah Hadley [00:15:50]:
That's such a great example, though, because so many, single moms, single parents struggle with this whole comparisonitis, whether it's what was it called? Spare time? Is that what I was gonna say?
Shaunna Lee [00:16:02]:
Spare time. Uh-huh.
Leah Hadley [00:16:03]:
Spare time. Or any number of activities that, you know, your kids see other families doing or that they wanna do. But creating something that's really special for your family with the resources that you have available. So that way you're not creating that additional stress of, you know, putting out money that you just don't have, which I see a lot of single moms doing, which Sure. It's so hard.
Shaunna Lee [00:16:31]:
Mhmm. It is. It is. And that's not to say every, you know, family movie night they loved. And, you know, some nights, we would sit there for 30 minutes arguing about what movie we were gonna watch. Like, I mean, there was real life that happened as well, but it would it was fun to look back and recognize that they did appreciate it as they got older and, asked why why don't we do family movie night anymore? You know, it's because they're different ages, and they don't like the same movies and, you know,
Leah Hadley [00:17:02]:
That's terrific. Alright. So you had said that the last one was really kind of the crux of the whole, you know, Reiki, being kind or loving all living things. Talk to us a little bit about about how you go about doing that.
Shaunna Lee [00:17:24]:
Loving all living things. Listen. It's a whole lot easier for me to love a stranger on the street than my ex husband most days. Right? Yep. And what I said in that blog was so real and honest. We did not agree on anything when we were married. So the idea that we're gonna be able to come together and, you know, work really well together is hilarious to me most days. However, we have learned how to kind of stay in our own lanes, and a lot of the work I've done is to recognize where I have control and where I don't have control and how much I was making myself crazy trying to control things that were really in his lane.
Shaunna Lee [00:18:08]:
And so being able to kinda come back to what is my goal with working with this man. Like, he's gonna be in my life for, you know, the foreseeable future. How do we work the best way together? And most of the time, it's just, you know, me being able to be loving towards him is to recognize that he's a human being and that a lot of his, motivation does come from a good place. And so, you know, if we're having a disagreement over what the kids need to do, It generally is because he thinks what he's doing is best for them, and I think what I'm doing is best for them. And so there have been times where he and I will come together, and I will I will remind him, but also I'm reminding myself, we have the same goal. We're headed in the same direction. We want our children to be happy. We want to do what's best for them.
Shaunna Lee [00:19:02]:
Like, we're on the same page. And I think because we find each other, we find ourselves in conflict with each other so often that it we kinda forget that. Right? We it feels like him against me. But Right. Really, when I can remind us both, mostly myself, that we really are headed in the right direction and the same direction, and we want the same things. We just have, you know, very different ways of getting there.
Leah Hadley [00:19:33]:
Yeah. That's such a good point that you are working toward the same goal, and it can be hard to accept that there's more than way more than one way to get there. And I also like that you pointed out the fact that and it's something that so many of us struggle with, and I know I really struggled early on, especially when my kids were younger, recognizing where you have control and where you don't.
Leah Hadley [00:19:55]:
Because iIt creates so much stress when you are frustrated about something that you really have no control over. Yeah. But it's you know, what good does it do you? Right?
Shaunna Lee [00:20:05]:
Yeah. It just makes it just made me crazy. Like, it just made me angry and frustrated, and I'm like, this is my opportunity to get a break when my kids are with him. Why am I fretting about whether or not he's combing her hair the right way or feeding them, you know, whatever organic food I wanted them to eat? I'm like, they're gonna be getting food and get to school. Like, let's also, I had to, like, lower my expectations a lot. But, yeah, it's just can I control this? Yes or no is a really good starting point.
Leah Hadley [00:20:38]:
So I noticed also on your website that you not only are an author, but you help other people to write as well.
Shaunna Lee [00:20:46]:
Yeah. So, you know, I I basically have struggled in this whole, like, entrepreneur journey to figure out what my lane looks like. Mhmm. You know, how do you niche down? Like, all the business direction is telling you, you need to be very specific. And here's what I keep coming back to. I just wanna help single moms make more money and fall in love again. But at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what product I'm creating, what book I'm writing, what episode on my podcast I'm, you know, delivering. At the end of the day, that's what I want.
Shaunna Lee [00:21:20]:
I want moms, especially single moms, to be happier moms. And if you think it needs more money in your pocket or you think you need to fall in love again and find the love of your life, like, okay. But let me help you get there. And so one of the things that I've encountered a lot when I was on any one of my book events, was how many people would say, oh my gosh. I've I've always wanted to write a book. And I am like the poster child for if I can write a book, anybody can write a book. Because I had wanted to write for years. In high school, I was in the Liberal Arts Academy, and it was a writing intensive program.
Shaunna Lee [00:22:03]:
And I I think it's you know, I was probably 16 when I first thought, oh, I'd I'd love to write a book one day. And then it took me until I was in my forties to actually do it. And to think about how many years, not that I wasted because I don't really believe that that's a key a thing. But how many years I could have been crafting my skill and honing in on getting better as a writer? But, you know, here we are. You start where you are, and I'm just a a big proponent of people jumping in and and getting started. Like, it then the first book is gonna be terrible. So, like, just write the first bad book so you can get onto the, like, writing the good stuff. And so that's that's my theory on that.
Leah Hadley [00:22:48]:
I you know what I love about that is that, when you put that out there that, you know, the first book just isn't gonna be good anyway, it takes the pressure off. Right? So that way, you can just get something out there and keep moving forward. I love that.
Shaunna Lee [00:23:01]:
Yeah. Yeah. Well, it was when I was taking a writing course, and they said, there were 2 things that came out of that really that stuck with me. And one was you cannot edit a blank page. Like, you can't even get to the editing until you've written something down to edit. And so I was like, okay. I just need to get words on a paper paper, so to speak. It was a computer.
Shaunna Lee [00:23:19]:
And then the other piece was that, your first draft is always your crappy draft. Like, that's what the editing process is about is to make it better. And so you have to just get to the part where you have the crappy draft that you can then edit. And, not everybody's first book is is terrible, but, some people get really lucky. No. I I think that we all get better the more we do anything. Right? And so the more you write and the the more books you you put out into the world, the better they get. And so, yeah, just get the crappy one done.
Leah Hadley [00:23:55]:
Shaunna, where can people find out more about you and what you've written?
Shaunna Lee [00:24:00]:
Yeah. So my website is a great place to go. It's shaunnalee.com, but, Instagram is my favorite place to be. So they can find me on Instagram at simply shaunna lee. And shaunna is spelled s h a u n n a.
Shaunna Lee [00:24:15]:
Awesome. Shaunna, thank you again for taking the time to talk with me today for being here and for sharing with our audience.
Shaunna Lee [00:24:22]:
Absolutely. Thanks for having me.
Leah Hadley [00:24:25]:
We will see you next week on Intentional Divorce Insights.
Leah Hadley [00:24:28]:
Thank you for joining me on intentional divorce insights. It's a privilege to share this time with you. I hope each episode offers valuable guidance to navigate your journey. If you find our content helpful, please leave a review to help others discover the benefits of intentional decision making in divorce. Until next time, take care and continue to embrace your path with intention.