Leah Hadley [00:00:01]:
Welcome to Intentional Divorce Insights. I'm Leah Hadley, certified divorce financial analyst, accredited financial counselor, and the founder of Intentional Divorce Solutions. I'll be your guide through the complexities of divorce, finance, and emotional wellness. Join me as we uncover practical tips and empowering insights to help you navigate your divorce with clarity and intention. Hi there, and welcome back to intentional divorce insights. Today, I'm joined by Erik Feig who founded Feig Mediation Group, a parent and family focused mediation firm in Bethesda, Maryland to help parents, families, and businesses create paths to more positive outcomes when important issues and decisions are on the line, and communication can be most difficult. He is a mediator, an accomplished attorney, and a parent of 3 amazing children. I always find it helpful when people who are mediating parenting issues have children of their own.
Leah Hadley [00:01:00]:
So I think that's fantastic to include in your bio. As a mediator, he's committed to helping his clients align with each other when important issues and decisions need to be addressed and the old familiar ways of doing things are no longer sufficient to meet the needs of today or of tomorrow. It's an approach that recognizes and seeks to mitigate against the stress and harm that can result from poor or ineffective communication and unresolved conflict. As a parent in a neurodiverse family himself, Mr. Feig has a particular commitment to working with parents where neurodiversity and special needs are factors in their families. He brings a practical real world approach to help parents engage each other more constructively when decisions impacting their neurodivergent children are required. Thank you so much for being here, Erik. Welcome.
Erik Feig [00:01:54]:
Thank you for having me. I'm so glad to be here.
Leah Hadley [00:01:58]:
So, Erik, tell us a little bit about your background and how you came to specialize in helping families with children with special needs.
Erik Feig [00:02:06]:
Well, my story, like so many of us, I think it's there's a lot of autobiographical aspects to why I do what I do, and it starts with my own family. You read my you read in the in the introduction a little bit about me. I'm a parent. I have 3 kids. All of them are differently wired. All of them differently wired from each other. Like so many families that have kids that are neurodivergent, have additional needs, we have a whole list and a whole a whole lexicon of terms, diagnosis, challenges, things that we're dealing with. They have tremendous strengths, and they also need supports, and they need supports that are different from each other.
Erik Feig [00:02:50]:
And what brought me to do this work, it's really it's about parents, and it's about keeping parents on track so that they can help keep their families on track and help keep their kids on track, and I find that that works best when the parents are aligned with each other. There's a lot of there's a lot that that means, but really, I consider myself to be in the conflict reduction business. We're all going to disagree. We're all going to have different views, different ideas about how to do things, or even what needs to be done. The key question from my point of view is when that happens, how are we going to deal with it? And I view mediation as and my role as a mediator as a resource to help parents when we're having those well, it can be really difficult conversations, difficult decisions, but are important decisions that need to be made, and we're not on the same page, at least not yet. I help them to bridge the gap.
Leah Hadley [00:03:54]:
Fantastic. So what are some of those unique challenges that families with children with special needs face during a divorce, especially if you think about it in terms of, like, custody, visitation, and support arrangements?
Erik Feig [00:04:08]:
Look. It becomes complicating factors at every stage when families are separating, when we're making them when they're making that transition from parenting perhaps in under one roof to parenting under 2 roofs, taking all of those commitments, the supports, the therapeutics, the medical decisions, financial decisions, you're adding another layer. You're adding the layers that are related to the supports, the additional supports that your children need. So all of the issues that we deal with in any divorce, whether it's how we spend time with our kids, how they spend time with us, how we make decisions about, for, and with them, how we're going to make financial decisions that involve them, the big and the small, the medical, the education, the support, their mental health and wellness, all of those things tend to be more complex when there are additional needs involved. So being able to have a process, a structured way to have these discussions to be so the parents can get what they need to on the table and do it in a child centered way, where the kids are put front and center of the discussion in a way that the parents are able to work it out without putting them in the middle of what's going on between them and a divorce, I think that is invaluable to helping them get to the other side and keep their kids on track.
Leah Hadley [00:05:39]:
Such an important point, And I hear, you know, from families all the time when I'm working on the financial aspects with them that they just don't know, this is families, whether they're going through a divorce or they're not going through a divorce, how to financially plan for their child with special needs because they just don't know how the supports that are necessary are gonna evolve, as that child ages. How do you deal with that during mediation?
Erik Feig [00:06:06]:
It's a discussion. Part of what we do in mediation, and I think this is part this is what makes mediation so powerful, is we don't focus on those positions. Right? It's not a negotiation about whether you're right or I'm right. It's a discussion about what's needed. And as a mediator, that's for me, that's what the focus is, is shifting that discussion to have that conversation about what's needed and then being able to step back and look at it and say, alright, how do we deal with this? What are our options? What are what are the ways that we can it's not necessarily one way or even 2 ways. We try to lay out as many as we can and then assemble something that works. So when you're talking like you just suggested, when we're talking about longer term planning, we might, in mediation, be talking first about what's immediate, what we know, what we can plan for, what we think is going to happen. And if we don't have that certainty about what the future is going to look like, be able to lay out at least, perhaps a process for the parents to be able to assess from time to time.
Erik Feig [00:07:20]:
To be able to check-in. To be able to say, alright, we didn't know this a year ago. Now we do. We've gotten smarter. The needs have developed the chain we have changing requirements. Let's sit down again. So mediation can be that kind of an ongoing resource to help keep things on track. Deal with what you can in front of you, set up a structure, set up a process foundationally so that you can deal with what comes next when you can get ahead of it.
Leah Hadley [00:07:49]:
So important. I mean, even if you're talking with families that have children with average needs that they're gonna grow, they're gonna change, they're going to have different interests. Right? And that that foundation of communication is so critical to being able to navigate as a family through all of those transitions.
Erik Feig [00:08:11]:
I believe very strongly whether we're dealing with families that are more neurotypical, families that are more neurodivergent with or families that have other types of additional needs. It's still about that communication, it's the ability to align with each other, it's ability to be able to function. And that's hard, especially in divorce. When when they're going through it, when a couple is going through a divorce and that transition, it could be very hard to come together and agree that if it's raining outside, the water is going to be wet. Right. Sometimes when folks come to me, they come in feeling hopeless about the idea of ever agreeing on anything important because they're so divergent in their views, and part of what we do is we show that it is possible. It's possible to shift the way they communicate and the way we approach it, turn it more into problem solving. Taking some of that out, and like I said, when it comes to the kids, putting the kids first whether they have these additional needs or not, putting their needs front and center, and remembering they're going to be the parents forever, and this is regardless of whether they're together or they're apart, they're still going to be the parents, And finding a path to function, no matter whether they like each other anymore or not, no matter what their relationship is or what type of other context they might have, being able to work as a team when it comes to the kids, I think, is just so important, and any tools that support that, you know, I I I think it can be a gift to the children.
Leah Hadley [00:09:51]:
Absolutely. Now one of the things that I find is a lot of times, it has been the stress, of the children's developing needs that has really created a lot of conflict between the parents, kinda how to address those things even as a married couple. How do you start to deal with that in mediation?
Erik Feig [00:10:09]:
Some of it is breaking it down. Look, when we're talking, let's say about let's take a couple of practical examples. When parents see that their child is struggling at school, and they see that no matter what they're doing, sometimes you'll have one parent's view or initial reaction might be they need to work harder. The other parent might be saying there's something else going on here, maybe we should get them evaluated. If their views are different, one the first parent might be saying, not my child. I don't want them to be evaluated. I don't want them to go down that path. I don't want them to feel different or to have a label or have a diagnosis while the other parent is saying, yes, we need to do this.
Erik Feig [00:10:51]:
That's something that leads to an important conversation, and sometimes that conversation needs help. It needs the support of somebody who's not them. As we say in my family, sometimes we need somebody that's not us to help us have these conversations that could help keep that conversation on track and be able to lead to, again, what are the options, what are the benefits, what can we do, and what's possible, and then make some decisions. But it can be hard even to start that conversation when you're stressed out about, you know, my kid's struggling. Right. You need to do something right now. I don't have time to deal with all of this. I'm just going to x, whatever x is going to be as their their chosen path.
Erik Feig [00:11:36]:
So I think being able to slow down, break it down into more manageable chunks, manageable pieces, and then look at it, step back from to to look at the big picture. I think all of that can be helpful. It doesn't promise to come to a resolution, but it might start leading to a path, and often it does lead to a plan. And I think that's what's important.
Leah Hadley [00:12:04]:
Yeah. It makes me wonder, you know, how many families could potentially even avoid divorce if they access mediation earlier on in the conflict to have that neutral person. And that's one of the things that's really interesting about your practice, Erik, is that you don't just practice with those who are in the midst of a divorce, but you work with families at other times too. Do you find people reaching out to you when they're having those conversations?
Erik Feig [00:12:29]:
They do. And it's something I feel so strongly about is that we tend to look at mediation as something that is divorce centric. I am trying in my work to expand that. I work with families, I work with parents that are together. I call it divorce prevention. Look, we're all like I said before, we're all going to get stuck sometimes, and it's how we deal with those decisions. Can we do it in a way and come up with ideas and solutions that we all can get behind that can be the difference between starting to resent or feel anger or have worse communication and feeling more again like you're working as a team? I think that's important when you're together. I think it's important post divorce as well to have resources because when you have kids with needs, those needs are going to change over time.
Erik Feig [00:13:19]:
What you're dealing with and planning for in a parenting plan, for instance, today, those needs might be different a year, 2 years, 5 years from now.
Leah Hadley [00:13:28]:
Right.
Erik Feig [00:13:28]:
And the question is, what are you going to do then when you need to update things? I think mediation can be a great resource to be able just to sit down and help with those check ins. What's working? What can we do better? What's changed? And not have to do it in an adversarial way. Do it in a way where you're cooperating with each other, where you're both talking, you're both saying, how do we make this better and keep things on track? And avoid those times where we're going, well, cross purposes.
Leah Hadley [00:14:01]:
Yeah. I like even just thinking about it as far as acknowledging that things are going to change. So planning those checkpoints so that way you 2 are in agreement that you're coming together on a regular basis to say just what you were saying here. What's changed and how are we gonna address these things?
Erik Feig [00:14:21]:
Look, working in mediation gives you practice. If nothing it it gives it gives I'll say if nothing else, it gives you practice at cooperating about things that can well, they can feel loaded. Yeah. So having the knowing that you have a resource that's available when you need it and having the practice of working together, ultimately, you know, my my hope is to be needed less and less over time. This becomes, this becomes, you know, I'm putting myself out of work over time, but I think the conversations hopefully get better. The cooperation stays on track, and you'll be able to say, you know what? We feel good about what this is going to look like next year. Let's try doing this ourselves, and if we need help, we know we have a resource
Leah Hadley [00:15:12]:
Right.
Erik Feig [00:15:12]:
That's available. I don't view mediation as a as an all or nothing. It could be used occasionally just when it's needed. Some families that I work with, you know, they might come back 6 months later, a year later for a session or 2 just because there's something they need some help talking through. It's available. And I think that's what just knowing that it's available sometimes, I think, helps things.
Leah Hadley [00:15:37]:
Yeah. And I like the point that you made about it's almost like building a muscle. Right? Like, when you're going through that mediation process, you're really developing those skills that you can apply in all areas of your life, not just these parenting decisions. Right?
Erik Feig [00:15:52]:
Yeah. I think that's right. This is building skills for how you're going to connect and cooperate with each other.
Leah Hadley [00:15:59]:
Right.
Erik Feig [00:15:59]:
And you could take that take that out into out into the world with you.
Leah Hadley [00:16:05]:
So, how does, for those who are going through a divorce, mediation help families with children with special needs compared to going through litigation?
Erik Feig [00:16:15]:
Okay. I think there's no comparison. I I think one's a process where you're competing with each other. You're arguing about who's going to win more. I'd say this as a recovering attorney. I was an attorney for a very long time. The other is built on cooperation and try and finding answers that you can say yes to. 1 maintains your mediation maintains your autonomy.
Erik Feig [00:16:39]:
You're always the decision maker in mediation. When you're doing things in litigation, and I'll say, yes, there is a role for litigation, and there are times when you do need a judge. And it is absolutely the resource that's necessary. There are many times, though, that I think that for whatever reason, we move towards the competitive processes when there is that opportunity to try cooperation, working together. And I'll go back to what I said before. Sometimes it's because people can't believe that there's even a possibility that they're going to agree on anything. So they might even say, you know, I don't I don't know if it's worth trying. I think that's one of the biggest impediments to mediation is, well, getting that experience that, yes, it can work.
Erik Feig [00:17:28]:
And, yes, it is possible.
Leah Hadley [00:17:31]:
Yeah. I see on social media in particular that, mediation gets a bad rap just because a lot of people are forced in different areas of the country to attack mediation, but may not be adequately prepared or even, you know, mentally prepared to engage in that process. And so there's a lot of negative talk about mediation. But for some of people who might be listening, who might not be that familiar with mediation, can you talk a little bit more about the benefits and kind of the process?
Erik Feig [00:18:02]:
It's a process that allows you to talk about what you need. I like to sometimes I'll use as a metaphor. I'm a I'm in my family, we do a lot of Legos. It's always been one of those things. People sometimes talk about problem solving as being an exercise in assembling a puzzle. And what happens when you have a puzzle? You tell you take a piece. You find what matches up with it. To me, the limitation of that that way of looking at things, the puzzles get put together one way.
Erik Feig [00:18:31]:
Each piece fits together with only one other piece. That's what you're assembling. When taking my LEGO idea, what do you do with LEGOs? You spread them out. You throw them out there. You have a 100 pieces, and then you look at them. You try not to step on them. And you look at them, and you say, how can we put this together? What are the ways we could put this together? And there's a 100 ways to put together more than a 100 ways to put together all those pieces to assemble possible solutions. So mediation lets you do that.
Erik Feig [00:19:02]:
It's not about you winning more or you winning an argument that someone else needs to be convinced about. Mediation is about finding answers everybody can say yes to. We look at what you need, what your hopes, your concerns are, what when you're talking about your children, what their needs are, what your concerns about them, what your fears, and what the challenges and what the strengths are. We look at the whole picture as much as possible. Get it on the table, spread them all out, and then we step back. And I call it, you know, applied problem solving. We look at it together, and we say, what do we do? What can we do? And then we evaluate it together. And very often, it's an iterative process.
Erik Feig [00:19:50]:
You can iterate and come up with new ideas. What about this? What do you think of that? You do it real time with help from a facilitator, from the mediator who helps keep you focused on what's in front of you. I think that's such a powerful way to address these challenges and to be able to answer the questions that we need to in let's say in the divorce process. How are we going to spend time? How are we going to make decisions? How are we going to communicate with each other? How are we going to keep each other in the loop? Are we going to handle logistics? These are things that, you know, it can be very helpful to say, well, this works for me. This doesn't work for me. How about you? And being able to just look at it and say, well, is there an and instead of an or answer that we could come up with? Something that works for me and you. What would that look like? I think that's some of what makes mediation such a powerful option in terms of being able to do this. And and it doesn't have to be all or nothing.
Erik Feig [00:20:58]:
You know? And people talk about all types of ways of approaching working in mediation, and maybe you're only going to be able to resolve some of the issues. Maybe it's not all, but every issue you resolve working together is one fewer that you have to fight about in litigation. So I view all of that as moving the needle in a positive direction.
Leah Hadley [00:21:23]:
Absolutely. And that's such a good point that you can make progress at mediation. It doesn't necessarily mean that everything will be resolved in mediation, but you can make really good progress in mediation on certain topics, and then recognize that there may be other resources that you need to deal with some of the other issues.
Erik Feig [00:21:42]:
Yeah. Sometimes what we're doing in mediation is identifying where other resources are needed.
Leah Hadley [00:21:49]:
Right.
Erik Feig [00:21:50]:
And then having that discussion about, okay, those other resources are needed. Who's going to go and get the information? Are we going to go do that? And then we bring it back. Right? And everybody then can make better decisions because they have more information and a better sense of the picture. All of those things are possible. You have a flexibility, I think, when you're working in mediation that litigation doesn't lend itself to. And I think that's important particularly when you're dealing with kids that are complex.
Leah Hadley [00:22:21]:
Erik, thank you again so much for being here with us today. I'm sure people learned a lot from what you shared and may wanna learn more about you. Where can people find more information about you?
Erik Feig [00:22:32]:
I'm so glad we were able to do this, and I really appreciate you having me on. Finding me is easy. I you can reach me on my website, which is www.feigmediationgroup.com or you can reach me directly by phone at 301-485-9272. I'm based in Maryland, but I work with families all across the country.
Leah Hadley [00:23:04]:
Fantastic. Again, I appreciate you sharing your wisdom with us. And for our listeners, we will see you next week. Thank you for joining me on Intentional Divorce Insights. It's a privilege to share this time with you. I hope each episode offers valuable guidance to navigate your journey. If you find our content helpful, please leave a review to help others discover the benefits of intentional decision making in divorce. Until next time, take care and continue to embrace your path with intention.