Leah Hadley [00:00:01]:
Welcome to Intentional Divorce Insights. I'm Leah Hadley, certified divorce financial analyst, accredited financial counselor, and the founder of Intentional Divorce Solutions. I'll be your guide through the complexities of divorce, finance, and emotional wellness. Join me as we uncover practical tips and empowering insights to help you navigate your divorce with clarity and intention.
Leah Hadley [00:00:25]:
Welcome back to Intentional Divorce Insights. We are so happy that you are here. It is my pleasure to introduce our guest today. Such a fascinating man. I think you're really gonna get a lot of great insight from him today. This is Mike Fink. Mike Fink is a clarity and decision making expert, coach, and innovator. And I know many of you are like myself and can really struggle with decisions sometimes, so this is gonna be really interesting.
Leah Hadley [00:00:54]:
His work primarily focuses on helping women considering divorce who are stuck in indecision because they fear they'll make a mistake that they will regret. With a deep understanding of their unique challenges, Mike guides them through his process, enabling them to get clarity and certainty about their marriage, get this, in 30 days or less. So no more struggling for years to figure things out. With over 2 decades of experience in personal development, Mike holds a master of science in psychology from Yale University. He's a world renowned coach and personal development expert. In the first part of his career, his programs helped more than a 110 1,000 people across a 157 countries achieve goals they once thought unattainable. Following a painful turning point in his own life, Mike created the decoding grid, a revolutionary process for high stakes decision making, and since 2021 has been dedicated to sharing it with the world. He is also the author of the groundbreaking book, Divorce Decision Decoded, the revolutionary process for women to make the right decision with confidence.
Leah Hadley [00:02:06]:
Thank you so much for being here, Mike. Welcome.
Mike Fink [00:02:08]:
It's my true pleasure. Thanks for having me, Leah.
Leah Hadley [00:02:11]:
Oh, absolutely. I'm really looking forward to our conversation today. I am just curious, you know, obviously, you're a man.
Leah Hadley [00:02:19]:
How did you get into helping women in particular, with the divorce decision?
Mike Fink [00:02:26]:
That's a great question. So I'm gonna give you the quick origin story of how I came to do this. And the reality is that I was stuck in a business relationship for 10 years, and it was a 5050, arrangement with associates. And the first 5 years were great, but the last 5 years were just utter misery because I was stuck in indecision. After 5 years, we started coming, head to head. It was clear we had different values that we wanted to go in different directions and I realized because of my own pain that it wasn't so much that the relationship wasn't working that was affecting my daily life, it was the indecision of, well, what do I do about it? Is it me? Is it him? Is it your relationship? Am I wrong? Is he right? Even if I'm right, well, what if I pull the plug and and and then decide to leave and then I have to start from scratch, I have to buy him out, that's scary. I have all those questions and those this indecision is the thing that kept me awake at night, that brought me to a burnout that affected all areas of my life. And after 5 years, we got to a point where things got really, really worse, but it also coincided when I hit my 50th birthday and I did a live review.
Mike Fink [00:03:41]:
And when I looked at it, I looked at the big decisions I made in my life and I will say that I got most of them right because I had applied the process that had developed over time because of my expertise in personal development. But for some reason, for that one crucial decision to get into this business partnership, I didn't do it. And it hit me and when I applied that process, I went from being burned out, confused, anxious to having all of a sudden absolute clarity. My head was aligned with my heart, was aligned with my gut and I knew what to do and I was able to move forward, I was able to, it was challenging, I had to sell an asset to buy him out, to face all that goes into, a separation to a business divorce, but I did that with calm and determination and I just knew that I had put my finger on something powerful. And then I helped my, brother-in-law who had been stuck in a decision about the medical career for 2 years to the point of having anxiety and nausea and in 2 hours I took him through my process and I took him from a place of confusion and anxiety to absolute clarity and he told me, you know, it's crazy. It feels like I was stuck in a pitch dark room for 2 years bumping myself against the furniture and then you turn the light on and now I can see clearly and that's when I realized, there's something to this, you know, indecision is a real problem. I have discovered something revolutionary. I want to share that with the world and then I kind of shifted naturally towards helping women considering divorce because divorce, it's one of the toughest decisions a human being can make in terms of the consequences on all fronts.
Mike Fink [00:05:26]:
And why women? Well, at least in the United States, 69% of divorces are initiated by women and also women are more open to getting expert help to really understand whether is a correct decision or not. So I kind of shifted my life mission and now I'm in this kind of process of the podcasting and and the book to share this process with the world and specifically for this because if I had not known the pain of indecision myself, I would not believe it. Indecision can be like chronic pain, some of these are worse, some of these are better, but overall your quality of life is miserable and it gets worse over time. Does that answer your question?
Leah Hadley [00:06:05]:
It does, and that's such a good point. I I really like how you said, that indecision can be like chronic pain because I think that will probably resonate with a lot of people in our audience, who are really struggling with this decision right now. How does the brain's gatekeeper part influence high stakes decisions like divorce, and how can we communicate effectively with it?
Mike Fink [00:06:30]:
I'm so happy you're asking this question because one of the things that most people think and women consider considering divorce believe is that they are free to make a decision, but the reality is very different. I mean, even with your clients, you probably have a number of them who have made a decision, they just move forward with no regret, but a certain number of other women are still stuck in this kind of back and forth paralysis. Now, in your case, they have already started a process, but a lot of women are still stuck. And the reality is that biology in our brain is stacked against us to make that decision. So here is a model of the brain for the people who will be listening to the podcast. I'm showing this brain and we don't have one brain, we have 3 brains. So imagine your brain as an ice cream scone that has 3 scoops of ice cream, each bigger than the previous one. And the first scoop, the bottom part is what is called the primal brain, the old brain, the reptilian brain.
Mike Fink [00:07:27]:
Then we have the emotional brain on top of that and finally, we have the rational brain. But the important part is the primal brain because the primal brain is in charge of survival. It is the part that says, you know, my job is to keep you safe, to make sure that you can survive the long term and in order for you to survive the long term, you need to survive the short term. So let's look at what divorce is and how it is a different decision compared to most other decisions that we make in everyday life we make so many decisions, we think, well, it's just another decision but it's not just another decision because divorce is one that will affect not only you, but also your kids, your family, your friends, your spouse, obviously it will affect you not only in the short term, but for years to come, maybe for the rest of your life it will affect you on all fronts emotional, psychological, social, professional and it is an irreversible decision. Once you make it, it's pretty much impossible to reverse. So it's such a high stakes decision that your brain goes, you know what, my job is to protect you and unless you have absolute certainty that it is the right decision, I'm gonna keep you where you are. When in doubt, wait it out. You know, the devil you know is better than the devil you don't.
Mike Fink [00:08:46]:
So, the reality is that as long as you don't make a decision, even though you may be miserable in your life, well, somehow you are not facing the consequences of your decision, because, also, when you divorce, things usually get worse before they get better. It's like renovating, the bathroom in your house, you need to tear everything down before you can rebuild a more beautiful bathroom. Right? Right. So, if you make a decision to divorce, that's when you have to face the possible blame of your kids, that you are the villain who broke up the family, your sense of guilt, you can't blame yourself, you have to face the consequences of your decision. Whereas, as long as you are quote unquote thinking about it, well, technically, you're still, you know, in safe land, you're miserable, yes, but you're not you cannot be blamed, you have not done anything wrong and this is the game that the brain plays on you, keeps you stuck in the status quo because it thinks, you know, that's it is the safest thing. So, that's a key principle to understand that unless you deal with this part of your brain, your primal brain, you really are stuck because the safest thing is for you to not make a decision. Does that make sense?
Leah Hadley [00:10:02]:
That makes a lot of sense. Absolutely.
Mike Fink [00:10:04]:
Okay. So next, the question is, okay, if I am stuck in a decision like this and my primal brain is programmed to protect me, what is the antidote to being stuck? And the answer is the antidote is certainty. If you are certain that staying in your marriage is worse than leaving, then you are going to be moving forward and probably in your experience, you know, the women who are able to move forward with divorce without having any second guessing are the ones who have experienced what I call some form of instant deal breaker. Now, that's not subjective, but maybe for some women is that their husband cheated and for them it was like, you know, that's it, we're done. Maybe their spouse stole money from them or did drugs or abused them physically or did something that for them was like, you know, that's it, that's you have crossed the line and that gave them the certainty. But if you don't have this kind of instal deal breaker, you are stuck in the uncertainty, in the hope that maybe things will improve. And in fact, a lot of the women that I work with tell me, you know, I wish my husband was a jerk. That sounds strange, but what they're really saying is I wish they were such a terrible person that I had the certainty that divorce would be the right thing.
Mike Fink [00:11:19]:
So how do you get certainty? Step number 1, you have to gather all the pieces of the puzzle. It may sound obvious, but you cannot solve the jigsaw puzzle if you're missing half the pieces. And the thing is that a lot of people are stuck in just a few elements. I remember, this client, Felicia, her husband had cheated on her. She was devastated because he kept cheating on her even though he was attending sex addiction addiction support groups. But on the other hand, she kept telling herself, yeah, it's terrible, but he's such an amazing dad. And she was focused only on those two things. He cheated, amazing dad, cheated, amazing dad.
Mike Fink [00:11:59]:
Two variables. What you have to understand is that in a relationship, you are with a person and you are happy or unhappy when a number of things that are important to you are being fulfilled or not. For example, you may want to have an ideal partner who is a good communicator, who's a good provider, who has a great sense of humor, who maybe, likes to travel. I mean, if you start really digging deep and taking the time to really understand all the pieces, it you know, most people have between 20 to 30 things that are important to them in a relationship. And if that sounds a lot to your listeners, that's a sure sign that they're missing important pieces. Right? Now, let me show you these 2 Rubik cubes and, you know, for your listeners, I'm holding 2 Rubik cubes. On one hand, I have one that has all the colors completely jumbled and on the other one, it's perfectly solved. All the colors are aligned.
Mike Fink [00:12:58]:
But I have a question for you, Leah. In terms of the jumbled cube, are there any pieces missing compared to the solved cube in terms of the number of color stickers or number of smaller cubes? Is anything missing in terms of those two things?
Leah Hadley [00:13:13]:
No. All the pieces are there.
Mike Fink [00:13:15]:
All the pieces are there. Right? The only difference is that the pieces are not aligned or, they are not in the proper sequence. So the reason I'm using this metaphor is to say that in reality, we already have all the pieces within ourselves to make the decision. They are just jumbled and we don't know how to make sense of them. But if you apply the proper sequence, they turn the faces of the cube in the proper order, you will always solve the cube. And for that, you need to have all the pieces of the puzzle. Does that make sense?
Leah Hadley [00:13:44]:
That makes a lot of sense. Yeah.
Mike Fink [00:13:46]:
So, the next step is making or creating order in all the pieces of the puzzle, because once you understand all the things that are important to you, it's like, okay, what do I do with that now? Because a lot of women are caught weighing the pros and cons endlessly. Well, like the woman, well, he's a cheater, but he's such an amazing amazing dad. And even if you have more clarity in terms of all the pieces of the puzzle, what you need to do to understand is what is more important versus less important, what is essential versus optional. You need to have a clear order because, otherwise, you cannot make proper decision in terms of what it is that you can or cannot compromise on. Right? Let me give you an example. Let's imagine, Leah, that you are looking for your dream house and there are 20 things that are important to you and one day a friend of yours comes to you excitedly says Leah, Leah, I have found your dream house it has 19 things out of the 20 that you're looking. That's 95 percent. Is that a good thing or is that a bad thing?
Leah Hadley [00:15:01]:
I think that's a great thing.
Mike Fink [00:15:03]:
You would think so, you know, and that's a reasonable answer, but let me ask you this, What is the one thing missing is that this house is located in a different city and state where you wanna live?
Leah Hadley [00:15:15]:
Oh, that's a problem.
Mike Fink [00:15:16]:
Right? Everything else becomes a moot point. So that's why I say that values are not an equal vote democracy. It doesn't matter the percentage how many are being fulfilled. It's which ones are being fulfilled or not. Right? They are a military hierarchy. So it's really important to understand that, and I remember this client, her name was Kate. She had been struggling for 5 long years in terms of whether to, divorce or not, and when I guided her to understand all the pieces of the puzzle, all the things that were important to her, and then to create this hierarchy, this ranking and distinguishing between the parts that were essential versus optional. It turned out that her husband fulfilled about 70% of the things that she was looking for in an ideal partner, which on paper sounds like that's pretty good.
Mike Fink [00:16:06]:
The problem though was that in the essentials area, 4 out of the top 5 things that were the most important to her were not fulfilled. Okay. All of a sudden, she understood why she was so miserable. It doesn't matter that it's only a few things that may not work compared to others. If those things that are not working are the essential ones, well, it's never going to work. And this enabled her to really understand, okay, why she was so miserable. And also I led her through a more in-depth process to really determine whether her husband could or could not make, enough changes and significant changes on those areas. And when she understood that he couldn't, then she realized with certainty and clarity that she would be better off moving forward.
Mike Fink [00:16:54]:
And this process was very powerful for her because she was able not only to make a decision, but also to explain it to herself, to her children in a way where her head was more aligned with her heart. Does that make sense?
Leah Hadley [00:17:08]:
Absolutely.
Mike Fink [00:17:09]:
Okay. So now let me bring you to step 3 and I'm trying to condense things to make sure that we're within the allotted time frame and if you have other questions after that let me know, is how do you have how do you reach full decision harmony where not only you understand what you want to do logically, but also with your heart, but also with your gut And let's go let's go back to this level, to this model of the brain. So we have the primal brain at the bottom, that's the first scoop of ice cream, the emotional brain in the middle and the rational brain on top. And what's important to know is that the primal brain is the oldest part of our brain. It evolved 500000000 years ago. The emotional brain, the second part is the one that evolved about 200000000 years ago. And lastly, the last part of the brain, the neocortex, the rational part of the brain evolved 2 or 3000000 years ago. So the reason I'm giving you these numbers is because this last part of the brain, the neocortex, the rational brain is the one in charge of logic, reasoning, and language.
Mike Fink [00:18:14]:
What does that mean? It means that if the last part of the brain is in charge of language, the 2 previous parts of the brain which are much older developed way before we developed language. That means, Leah, that those part of your brain do not understand words. They do not understand language. Now, this is fundamental because all the traditional solutions that people seek whether it's marriage counseling or therapy, what do they have in common?
Leah Hadley [00:18:47]:
It's all talking.
Mike Fink [00:18:49]:
It's all talking, right. So if talking doesn't work, then what does work? And I'm going to lead you through a thought experiment, which will also be something that your listeners can do. Do you do you have children, Leah?
Leah Hadley [00:19:02]:
I do.
Mike Fink [00:19:03]:
Okay. May I ask what their age is?
Leah Hadley [00:19:08]:
12, 15, and 17.
Mike Fink [00:19:10]:
Okay. So let's imagine that you find out one day that your 12 year old is being bullied at school. You would be probably extremely upset. Right? But I'm gonna lead you through this thought experiment where I'm gonna tell you the exact same piece of information in 4 different ways and I want you to assess your level of upset whether you feel just as upset, less upset or more upset. So scenario number 1 a person comes and tells you Lia, you know, your 12 year old is being bullied at school, but you don't know what the other child doing the bullying looks like. You would be upset. Correct?
Leah Hadley [00:19:51]:
Correct.
Mike Fink [00:19:52]:
Okay. So that's the baseline. Now, second scenario. The person comes and tells you Lea, your 12 year old is being bullied at school, but this time you know what the kid doing the bullying looks like. Just assess your level of upset. Are you less upset, just as upset, or more upset?
Leah Hadley [00:20:11]:
More upset.
Mike Fink [00:20:12]:
Okay. Scenario number 3, a person comes and just doesn't see anything, just shows you pictures of your 12 year old being physically bullied by this other kid. How is your level of upset? Less, equal, or more?
Leah Hadley [00:20:26]:
Yeah. The more real it becomes, the more upset I would be.
Mike Fink [00:20:30]:
In last scenario, you drive to school to pick your 12 year old from school, you get off the car, and then you witness with your own eyes your 12 year old being bullied by this other kid. What is your level of upset now?
Leah Hadley [00:20:42]:
Yeah. The highest level.
Mike Fink [00:20:44]:
Okay. Now, isn't that interesting? Because it's the exact same piece of information. Your 12 year old is being bullied at school. The difference between the first scenario where you are just being told, the second scenario where you are being told but you knew what the other person looked like and then, you know, being shown even the being shown images and seeing is that you had a higher ability to visualize what was going on. Does that make sense? Yes. And, basically, the more you are able to visualize, the more you felt emotionally the impact of that piece of information. So this is also the explanation of why has it ever happened to you that you watch a movie, maybe it's the notebook, I've I've saw I've seen it, you know, I actually enjoy those those kind of movies and you logically know that Ali and Noah will get together in the end, you know that there's a happy ending and yet during the movie, when you experience all the struggles, all the difficulties, you are feeling all the negative emotions, the anxiety, the uncertainty. Right? But logically, you know.
Mike Fink [00:21:51]:
Has that ever happened to you?
Leah Hadley [00:21:53]:
Absolutely.
Mike Fink [00:21:54]:
And this is just another example of the fact that, yes, you logically know with that part of your brain it's gonna be a happy ending, but your primal brain and your emotional brain don't get it. They don't understand words, they don't understand logic. The only moment when you feel happy is at the end when those parts of your brain get to see it on screen that they're finally, you know, hugging and kissing each other. Does that make sense?
Leah Hadley [00:22:19]:
It does.
Mike Fink [00:22:20]:
So this is important because what I have done, the decoding grid process that I developed is taking the clarity that you got with the first two steps of the process in terms of gathering all the pieces, understanding what's more important versus less important to then applying this information as a decoding grid in a visual way. It becomes a display that basically enables you to assess whether, assess, audio values whether they are essential options, whether they are being fulfilled or not by using color coding, by using some symbols that your primal brain understands that are not word based, but visually based and all of a sudden you have this holistic assessment of your entire relationship where you can see, if I look at my essentials area, is that in the red zone, danger, or, you know, really pay attention, is that in the blue zone, okay, or is that in the green zone. So all of a sudden, you have an assessment of your relationship that you can understand logically, that aligns with your emotions, but also that you feel on a visceral level and also the visual aspect enables you to assess your relationship taking into consider taking into considerations all the variables at once. And I remember I had this, client, Kim, she had been married for 25 years. She had never been quite sure whether to, to stay or go. And then for the previous 3 years, she had actually met another man. Now I didn't judge her, but, you know, absolutely not. She was doing the best she could at that time and she wasn't sure what to do because she had an older son who knew about her affair.
Mike Fink [00:24:02]:
He wanted her to be happy, but he was fed up lying to his dad and, basically, this other man had divorced, he was waiting for her but she was so confused. She knew that she was not happy with her relationship, but she was still hoping she could save her marriage, she wanted to keep the family and not break it up, She wasn't sure whether this other man was or felt better simply because it was the contrast, you know, if I'm not happy in my relationship and this other man is better, maybe that's the reason why. So when I guided her through this decoding process, 2 things came up. The first one is that when she assessed her husband with the decoding grade having clarity in terms of the essentials and the options, she saw that basically her relationship was trouble because there was a lot of red in the essential area. Yeah, there was I mean, but overall, a lot of red. I mean, I think she had 9 things out of 14 that were essential to her that were not fulfilled and that's when she understood, you know, for my husband to change significantly on 9 different fronts, 9 different areas, he would need a personality transplant. That was not reasonable. And that was really powerful for her because it enabled her to assess her relationship, her marriage, on its own merits, not because she had met somebody else.
Leah Hadley [00:25:19]:
Right.
Mike Fink [00:25:19]:
So once she had that certainty, the next question became, well, what about this other man? Obviously, my marriage doesn't work. Now, I know why and it's what not worth pursuing, but what about this other man? And when we have said this when we assess this other man, it turned that he was all green in the essentials and the optionals. He was like a near perfect match and for her it was like a shock, especially, when she saw those 2 assessments side by side because it became so obvious, so clear that one was a near perfect match, the other one would never work and yet, until she had that information displayed to her in a way where all parts of her brain could understand it, it wasn't clear. So, 1 week later, she took time to digest this, she's then spoke with her husband and she was very clear with him. It wasn't that he was a bad person, he was just not a good fit. And she felt confident. She didn't waste time trying to save the relationship because she had certainty. She was able to move forward and to create a better next chapter of her life.
Mike Fink [00:26:15]:
Does that make sense?
Leah Hadley [00:26:16]:
It does. Absolutely.
Mike Fink [00:26:18]:
So I I, you know, I've tried to package everything that I could in the short time that we had available. So, that's that's, in a in a nutshell, the the process that I that I share and that I guide my clients through.
Leah Hadley [00:26:29]:
That just was fascinating, Mike, and I really appreciate you sharing that process. And it just makes a lot of sense when I think about, you know, looking at a color coded so in the financial industry, we use these charts called jellybean charts, that look at, performance in different sectors over time. And I remember the first time I saw a jellybean chart, and, like, it stuck with me because it, like, was so meaningful, all the different colors, and it was, like, so clear to me. So I just find this fascinating, and I really appreciate you sharing with us. Now you have some great resources on your website, Mike. Where can people find you and what resources do you have available?
Mike Fink [00:27:10]:
So people can get on my website, which is called get absolute clarity.com. So it's the 3 words together, get absolute clarity.com and, basically, your listeners will be able to go there and get a freebie and the freebie is, right now, at the time of this recording, an assessment on the real cost of your indecision on your daily life because it affects, your mental focus, your work, your emotions, your health, physical, your interaction with your kids and so on. So they will be able to go through and get a specific diagnostic and also what the best next steps are. They'll be able to get the book that I wrote, which is called divorce decision decoded and also obviously they will be able to see how I work with clients and to book a clarity consult if they want me to help them directly and see, the best way I could help them make this decision with absolute clarity, certainty in a way where their head, their heart, and their gut is aligned. So it's get absolute clarity.com.
Leah Hadley [00:28:08]:
Fantastic. Thank you again, Mike, for sharing your wisdom with us today. I really appreciate your time and you being here.
Mike Fink [00:28:15]:
Thank you so much. It was my true pleasure. I really appreciate you having me on the show here.
Leah Hadley [00:28:19]:
And for our audience, thank you for being here, and we will see you next week.
Leah Hadley [00:28:24]:
Thank you for joining me on Intentional Divorce Insights. It's a privilege to share this time with you. I hope each episode offers valuable guidance to navigate your journey. If you find our content helpful, please leave a review to help others discover the benefits of intentional decision making in divorce. Until next time, take care and continue to embrace your path with intention.
