Leah Hadley [00:00:01]:
Welcome to Intentional Divorce Insights. I'm Leah Hadley, certified divorce financial analyst, accredited financial counselor, and the founder of Intentional Divorce Solutions. I'll be your guide through the complexities of divorce, finance, and emotional wellness. Join me as we uncover practical tips and empowering insights to help you navigate your divorce with clarity and intention. Welcome back to intentional divorce insights. I am so happy that you are here, and we have a phenomenal guest today. It is my pleasure to introduce Shari Friedman, is a highly sought after relationship divorce and women's empowerment coach who supports and guides professionals and women business leaders to do divorce differently. By combining her 3 decades of knowledge and wisdom as a divorce attorney with strategy, nervous system regulation, transformational mindset coaching, and subconscious trauma and healing and energetics, she holistically supports her clients in generating inner fulfillment, happiness, and peace of mind so they can build a life they love without regret.
Leah Hadley [00:01:10]:
Welcome, Sherry. Thank you so much for being with us.
Sharri Freedman [00:01:12]:
Thank you so much. I'm really excited for for our chat today.
Leah Hadley [00:01:16]:
So we're talking today about how to thrive before, during, and after a divorce. And I am just so curious because you do have that history of being a divorce attorney, and now you're a divorce coach. What do you want people to know? What do you want people to understand?
Sharri Freedman [00:01:33]:
So I think the biggest thing, and there's there's a couple things, but I think the biggest thing is that divorce does not solve your unhappiness. And I think a lot of people think I'm unhappy, I'm just gonna go get a divorce. And while you might be happier once you are divorced, in fact most people, especially if they do the work to heal, are happier, but if you don't do the work that happiness is often short lived, or it's found in other people as opposed to healing yourself. And so what happens is you get into this other relationship that maybe makes you feel safe, makes you feel loved, makes you feel happy, but it's actually very similar to the relationship you may have just gotten out of or maybe it's similar to a toxic relationship you had with your parents. And so that is why I believe the divorce rate for 2nd and third marriages is even higher than it is for 1st marriages. So, really understanding that you need to figure out how to heal whatever's going on within in order to truly be happy. The other thing that often surprises people is that they think like, okay. Once I I just need to push through.
Sharri Freedman [00:02:49]:
I just need to get through this divorce. And once I get that legal document, once I get that divorce decree, everything's gonna be easier. And then they find nothing's changed.
Leah Hadley [00:02:59]:
Right.
Sharri Freedman [00:02:59]:
Their x is who they are and they aren't changing unless they choose to change. And that really surprises a lot of people because they they think it's gonna get easier and sometimes it actually gets more difficult before it gets easier. And at that point, a lot of the legal professionals have have moved on to the next case.
Leah Hadley [00:03:20]:
Right.
Sharri Freedman [00:03:20]:
And so you're kinda left with, well, how do I do this? How do I co parent with someone I can't stand? How do I implement this agreement or this court order? How do I move forward now that I'm a single person? And so that is where I have found that it the the system kind of leaves people hanging a little bit.
Leah Hadley [00:03:40]:
That was definitely my own personal experience. I always tell people that 1st year of coparenting was just a nightmare. You know, we did a really good job of preparing for that initial conversation with the children. But everything after that, it was just like it took us about a year to kinda find our footing and get in a groove, and now we have a great co parenting relationship. You know, this is, like, 10 years later. But, that 1st year was a rough one. There's no question about it.
Sharri Freedman [00:04:05]:
Yeah. And I think people don't expect that.
Leah Hadley [00:04:08]:
Right.
Sharri Freedman [00:04:09]:
They they especially if they haven't been given the tools or they're they just again, if they're just kind of pushing through, I just need to get I just need to get done. Just get me to, you know, just let's just sign an agreement, let's just, we'll figure it out later. And oftentimes what happens is you get stuck with whatever you've agreed to. You know, yes, some things might be able to be tweaked, but it's not simple to do that. Even with a, you know, parenting plan, while they are modifiable, it's not simple to modify. And so you really need to be intentional beforehand about what it is you want, what it is you need, and how it all fits together. And if you're not able to sort of step back and do that, you can find yourself full of regret.
Leah Hadley [00:04:57]:
Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. So what is the secret to thriving rather than merely surviving during and after divorce?
Sharri Freedman [00:05:05]:
So the secret to being able to thrive is knowing how to regulate your nervous system. This is a big piece that I think a lot of people don't give enough credit to. Making it safe to do something that your system feels is dangerous. And when I say dangerous, anything that you are doing that is outside of your zone of familiarity, anything that you are doing that puts you outside of your comfort zone, your system, your nervous system senses as danger, and your only job that your system has is to protect you and keep you safe. Safe equals same. So when you make the decision, okay, I need to get out of this marriage, or maybe you're put in the position of your spouse wants out of the marriage, your nervous system goes on high alert. Danger, danger, danger, danger, and starts to feed you all the things, right, to why this is not a good idea, why this is too scary, why this isn't gonna work. And because you've probably been living in fight, flight, or freeze for a very long time, you may not even realize that that's where you've been living.
Sharri Freedman [00:06:15]:
Being able to regulate your nervous system is going to keep you from getting caught in that pattern and cycle that you keep repeating. Right? That that you keep getting easily triggered by your soon to be ex or your ex. Being able to regulate your nervous system, it changes everything because it allows you to respond rather than react and it allows you to make clear heart centered decisions rather than fear based ones. And it allows you to see options and perspective which is so important when you're going through divorce and even after divorce as you're making these co parenting decisions, as you're making decisions about where you're gonna live and how you're gonna do certain things and what you want, being able to do it from from a heart centered place as opposed to a fear based place changes everything. And that's how you can not just survive, but thrive.
Leah Hadley [00:07:07]:
That's so important. You know, we see it all the time when people are managing their money post divorce that there is a tremendous amount of fear around making the wrong decision or, not even wanting to deal with it quite frankly and sticking their head in the sand for years sometimes, before they reach out to us, But it really can hold you back in so many different ways in your life.
Sharri Freedman [00:07:31]:
Absolutely. And money, financial fear, financial insecurity, lack and scarcity shows up so much across the board, but especially in divorce. So if it's okay with you, I'd love to share with your listeners kind of a little practice that they can take away just by listening to to this podcast, so they could start to learn to regulate their nervous system. Would that be okay?
Leah Hadley [00:07:55]:
Please.
Sharri Freedman [00:07:56]:
Okay. So, you can if you wanna follow along, you can kinda demonstrate because I know we're, I think we're also video recording. So one of the easiest ones that you can do is called box breathing. Many of your listeners may already be familiar with it. So it's a 4444, like a box, breathing. So we're gonna breathe in for 4, we're gonna hold for 4, we're gonna breathe out for 4, we're just gonna breathe normal for 4, and when we do that, we're gonna repeat I am okay, I am loved, I am safe. So if you wanna walk through it with me, we can do it, and then you can share with your listeners how you feel. So you can put your left hand on your heart, and if you're comfortable, if you could just close your eyes.
Sharri Freedman [00:08:37]:
And we're gonna take a deep breath in 234, and hold
Sharri Freedman [00:08:44]:
2, 3, 4, and slowly release 234 and repeat. I am okay.
Leah Hadley [00:08:54]:
I am okay.
Sharri Freedman [00:08:55]:
I am loved.
Leah Hadley [00:08:56]:
I am loved.
Sharri Freedman [00:08:57]:
I am safe.
Leah Hadley [00:08:59]:
I am safe.
Sharri Freedman [00:09:00]:
And breathe in again.
Sharri Freedman [00:09:04]:
234 and hold 234 and release, 234 and repeat. I am okay.
Leah Hadley [00:09:15]:
I am okay.
Sharri Freedman [00:09:17]:
I am loved.
Leah Hadley [00:09:18]:
I am loved.
Sharri Freedman [00:09:19]:
I am safe.
Leah Hadley [00:09:20]:
I am safe.
Sharri Freedman [00:09:22]:
And then when you're ready, you can open your eyes. And I recommend that you repeat that at least 4 times or until you feel really dropped in and grounded. We only did it twice for for these demonstration purposes, but how did that feel?
Leah Hadley [00:09:36]:
It was still calming.
Sharri Freedman [00:09:38]:
Yeah. Like And I
Leah Hadley [00:09:39]:
just kinda took me into a different space completely.
Sharri Freedman [00:09:41]:
Yeah. And that's all it takes. Right? No money, very little time, no extra tools or anything like that. Anywhere you are, you can just stop, place your hand on your heart, and do some deep breathing. Remind yourself, I am okay. I am loved. I am safe. And it drops you in like that, and then you can move on with what you need to do.
Sharri Freedman [00:10:02]:
It's really magical.
Leah Hadley [00:10:03]:
Yeah. It's beautiful. Are there other strategies that you teach clients, in terms of regulating their nervous system?
Sharri Freedman [00:10:09]:
So there are so many. Okay. So we call it nervous system love. They are somatic practices and part of my coaching practice and certification is that I am, the certification that I have, I do a lot of in in my one to one coaching and in my group coaching program, I teach ways to release, ways to feel what you need to feel, which activates your vagus nerve, which brings you into that state of calm. And so we could do a whole episode just on somatic practices and nervous system regulation, but if your listeners are, you know, interested in learning more about that, that is something that I work on with clients, all the time.
Leah Hadley [00:10:50]:
Fantastic. So, Shari, what is the biggest misconception you see about divorce coaching?
Sharri Freedman [00:10:58]:
So, one of the biggest things that I see is I can't afford to hire a coach. And that goes into that lack and scarcity and financial insecurity which is prevalent whether you have a lot of money and you're going through divorce, whether you you're paycheck to paycheck. It really doesn't mat like, in what I have witnessed and experienced is it really doesn't matter where you fall. Financial insecurity is is a driving force that keeps people from getting the support that they need. And what I would say is that you you really can't afford not to hire a coach. And it's not just I'm not just saying that because I am a coach and I would, you know, I love to work with clients, but, you know, I practice laws, we've talked about for many years and I saw families torn apart by emotions, by fear, by beliefs that are keeping them in that same cycle of conflict. And 1,000 and 100 of 1,000 of dollars get spent on lawyers and fighting about what's fair. Right? I want it to be fair.
Sharri Freedman [00:12:04]:
It's not fair. And, you know, what I say is, you know, fairness is the f word in divorce because if you want fairness, you are effed because there is no fairness in divorce. What you think is fair, what your soon to be ex thinks is fair, and what a judge thinks is fair are 3 different things usually. And so when you get really hooked into that, it has to be fair. You can really derail your your whole case and wind up spending tons of money, spending lots of time feeling, you know, unbalanced. And when you, take the time to invest in a coach long term, it saves you time, it saves you money, and it saves your sanity. So that is really one of the, the biggest misconceptions, right, is that, you know, I can't afford it. The other thing too is that people think, well, I'm not sure I want a divorce, so I don't really need a divorce coach yet.
Sharri Freedman [00:13:01]:
But in fact, I work with a lot of people who are in that should I stay or should I go because when you have an objective sounding board to really figure out what is it that I want, you can actually, assuming that there's no abuse going on, there's like no no re, like, there's no reason. And And that's a lot of times people are like, well, there's no real reason. I just am feeling this, like, unfulfilled, unhappy. You can be happy whether you stay or whether you go and that surprises a lot of people. But when you work with a coach, you can really figure that out and then make a choice and decide. Am I all in on my on my marriage or am I out of it? Because when you're half in, half out in that sort of limbo phase, that's when you really are unhappy because you're you're not making any decisions and you're giving away all your power. And yeah. Go ahead.
Leah Hadley [00:13:54]:
Well, I'm just wondering if all of our listeners even know what a divorce coach is. And so I hear you kinda talking about some of the things that you do, but I wonder if you could take a step back and for those because I will be honest when I went through my divorce, I had never heard of a divorce coach And it wasn't until I started doing this work professionally when I saw the profound impact that divorce coaches could have on their clients. So I'm wondering if you could just take a step back and talk a little bit about what a divorce coach is.
Sharri Freedman [00:14:23]:
Yes. So there there are many different ways that divorce coaches work. So I'm gonna speak sort of how I how I work, which is different than probably many, if not all of my colleagues, because of my unique background. But what I do is I use my legal knowledge and experience without giving legal advice. So especially when I work with my private clients 1 on 1, we dig into, you know, what is it that you want? Is it in alignment with what the law says? And and I will send my clients to get that legal advice from a lawyer who practices in their state, preferably in their county. But then oftentimes, lawyers speak in lawyer speak.
Leah Hadley [00:15:12]:
Right.
Sharri Freedman [00:15:13]:
And lay people, the average person, you don't know what you don't know, doesn't really understand what their lawyer is saying, but they're maybe too afraid to say, I don't understand a word you just said, or I don't wanna pay my lawyer to tell me that again. So they just kind of fumble through. So when you have a coach who actually understands the law, they can really help you to understand what you think you heard and then maybe even to go back with really pointed specific questions to clarify, which will save you time and money. Looking at your numbers. When you look at your numbers, and this is something that you do, and I do not pretend to have any kind of, advanced financial background, but what I do with my clients is I help them look at their numbers on a very, broad based spectrum, so that they can just get some clarity, and that also helps regulate their nervous system. Because when they can actually step back and go, oh, wait a minute. Okay. I see here where my where the gaps might be, and now I can go to my financial professional and fill in those gaps rather than just kind of being in this frozen paralyzed state, not even knowing, like, I don't even know if I need a financial person because I don't even know where to start.
Sharri Freedman [00:16:27]:
Right. Right? So it it helps to do that. And then all of the work around regulating your nervous system, doing that somatic work, thinking, rethinking, or thinking differently, and that's my how to do divorce differently. We that they believe to be true, and when you can recognize that and begin to think intentionally and begin to feel how you want to feel, it changes everything. So that is just part of, like, what I do. Again, it's helping you make those decisions. Should I stay or should I go? And then once you make the decision, what do you do then? What do you do now? And as a coach, I help clients kind of guide them through that. On the back end, I'm already divorced.
Sharri Freedman [00:17:22]:
How do I deal with this really high conflict? I don't wanna say narcissist because I think that word gets thrown around a lot, but super high conflict person on the other side, how do I deal with this? Am I ever gonna be happy again? They're constantly activating me, constantly triggering me and I help clients to realize what's most important so they can let go of those things that, in a perfect world, they might not let go of. But in order to reach their goals, to be that woman that they wanna be, and that's another thing we do is we do some visioning so that we can really envision what do you where do you want your life to look like a year from now, 3 years from now, 5 years from now. A really important thing that a lot of people are too afraid to even look at. So because and this is really important step because when you can look ahead and really envision this is what I want my life to look like, then you can then you can back into that. What do I need to start doing right now to make sure that I get there? And so that is, from my perspective, what I do as a coach.
Leah Hadley [00:18:25]:
So many important things that you said there, Sherry, but, especially, I love the the, bringing intentionality to your thoughts. You know, so many times, we just let that emotion take over when we're going through the divorce process. And, you know, just brain kinda gets out of control. People call it divorce brain. And I love that you bring some intentionality to that and help people really identify, and I assume kind of reframe some of those thoughts?
Sharri Freedman [00:18:56]:
Absolutely. So you get caught in that thought loop because our thoughts create our feelings, our feelings drive our behaviors, our actions, which create your reality all the time. So what you can do is anywhere on that on that wheel, right, you can change your feeling, which then impacts how you show up, which then impacts your reality, which then impacts your thoughts, or you can change a thought, which then changes your feeling, your behavior, and your reality. And while it sounds simple and it is simple, it's not always easy to do. Right. So just having somebody to sort of hold you accountable, to hold your hand, to help you to reframe. It's it is all about reframing and choosing. Being intentional about what you're choosing to think, the words you use.
Sharri Freedman [00:19:45]:
Right? We we we are our worst, critic. If you step back and think about how we talk to ourselves, even just when you look in the mirror and you're like, ugh, right? I don't like how my hair looks today or oh, I need to lose some weight or oh, I wish, you know, my eyes were smaller or bigger. Whatever it is, like, we're we're so mean to ourselves and so what I work on with my clients is, like, looking in the mirror and being like, you're gorgeous. I love you. You're amazing. You're worthy. You're so enough. Right? And when we talk to ourselves that way, it changes everything.
Leah Hadley [00:20:23]:
It really does make such a huge difference, and especially when you're going through such a trying time in your life. The other thing that I heard you talking about was this visioning, which is just so critical for you to come up with a settlement that ultimately is going to serve you in the next chapter of your life. And a lot of times, we see people really, really struggling with that, especially when we're talking about the finances and, you know, coming up with a financial settlement. And it can be really difficult from a professional standpoint to support somebody who just has no clarity around what they want. And it's one of those things where you're going through this huge life change. It's normal not to know what you want next. So I'm curious to hear more about how you help people with that.
Sharri Freedman [00:21:09]:
Yes. So we we do a visioning, where, in my main program and with my private clients, I walk them through, we meet your 85 year old self because when you meet yourself at that age, everything everything becomes clear, and we have a conversation with her, and for most people they hear, right, you ask pointed questions about what do I need to know, she shows you your life and you kind of are thinking about, like, oh, like this is where I'm living and this is who I'm with and it really brings a clarity. So so for example, for clients who are in that should I say or should I go, what I have found when I work with them on this visioning and they meet their 85 year old self and they're looking at the photos of their life, what has really shined through a lot is their ex or soon to be ex, who they're not sure if they should leave or not, is not in those photos. And that when they see that, they're like, oh, that really like, it brings a clarity to what they felt was fuzzy. And then we continue to go back to that when they're on the fence again and it's like, let's go back to your vision. Right? So I don't I don't tell them whether they should stay or should they should go. They actually know. And so it's really reassuring them and reminding them and, like you said with the financial piece.
Sharri Freedman [00:22:43]:
Right? If you're really stuck on, I really wanna keep this house, and I need to keep the house and the kids and the kids have to stay in this house, and when you look ahead and you see your life, maybe you're not living in that house. Right?
Leah Hadley [00:22:56]:
I love that. Yeah.
Sharri Freedman [00:22:57]:
And so then it's like, oh, do I really need to keep the house? And so it really helps put everything into perspective. So this is a really important piece that that, like you said, people skip or people get stuck because they're only looking at, like, what's right in front of them instead of being able to look 2, 3, 5, 10 years down the road.
Leah Hadley [00:23:18]:
What a powerful exercise. That's amazing.
Sharri Freedman [00:23:20]:
It's beautiful.
Leah Hadley [00:23:21]:
So many great resources, Shari. Tell us about what people can get free from your website. Yes.
Sharri Freedman [00:23:27]:
So, I do have a free download. It is the ultimate guide to avoiding the 6 biggest divorce mistakes.
Leah Hadley [00:23:37]:
We all have Wade for sure.
Sharri Freedman [00:23:39]:
Yes. I highly recommend it, and it also has some, mindset and and intentionality pieces built into it. So it really gets you to think about what you are, thinking about, really. So when I when I address a mistake, it then also allows you to think through what happens, like, what do you want, and really gets you to start to think about things in a more intentional way. So it's a really, really great resource for anybody going through divorce.
Leah Hadley [00:24:14]:
Fantastic. And we will include a link to that in the show notes, so you'd be sure to check that out. It does sound like a fabulous resource. And where can people find you if they wanna learn more about you?
Sharri Freedman [00:24:24]:
Yes. So the best place to learn more about me is on my website, potomaccoaching.com. I'm also in all the social places, Instagram, Facebook. I do have a free private Facebook support group. LinkedIn, those are the those are the main places that that people can find me.
Leah Hadley [00:24:45]:
Well, thank you again for sharing so much wisdom with us this morning and so many practical tips that people can really apply right away. This has been fantastic.
Sharri Freedman [00:24:55]:
Thank you.
Leah Hadley [00:24:57]:
For those of you who are listening today, we thank you for listening, and we will see you next week. Thank you for joining me on Intentional Divorce Insights. It's a privilege to share this time with you. I hope each episode offers valuable guidance to navigate your journey. If you find our content helpful, please leave a review to help others discover the benefits of intentional decision making in divorce. Until next time, take care and continue to embrace your path with intention.
