Leah Hadley [00:00:01]:
Welcome to Intentional Divorce Insights. I'm Leah Hadley, certified divorce financial analyst, accredited financial counselor, and the founder of Intentional Divorce Solutions. I'll be your guide through the complexities of divorce, finance, and emotional wellness. Join me as we uncover practical tips and empowering insights to help you navigate your divorce with clarity and intention. Hi there, and welcome back to Intentional Divorce Insights. It is my pleasure to introduce Joy Bartholomew to you today. She is a divorce mom of 2 and a divorce coach for women. After her divorce, Joy had a new life ahead of her, and she is so inspiring to hear her talk about her life.
Leah Hadley [00:00:44]:
As she was closing out her 30 year police career, she became a yoga teacher, A meditation facilitator and a divorce coach, and she is passionate about working with women, helping them to manage their emotions, Find clarity in their futures and to create life that they love. Welcome, Joy. Thank you so much for being here.
Joy Bartholomew [00:01:04]:
Oh, gosh. Leah, thank you so much. This is, a great honor to to get to sit down and chat with you about this.
Leah Hadley [00:01:10]:
It is absolutely my pleasure. And I just have to hear the story of how you go from police officer to yoga teacher.
Joy Bartholomew [00:01:18]:
It it is one of those, little Stories that you go, stupid puppy head tilt is the way I always call it when you go, How did that happen? Yeah. I was a police officer for A long time at that point back in 2017, and I had been doing yoga for years. And I decided I want to go on yoga retreats, and I want to do different things. And my husband at the time, my ex husband now, was like, well, we don't have the money for that. We don't have the time for that all while he was going on ski trips with the boys and buying a boat and doing these different things. So when the separation occurred, I said, well, wait a minute. It's my time. I get to do some fun things.
Joy Bartholomew [00:02:04]:
And, Absolutely, the first thing I did was signed up for yoga teacher training. The second thing I did was sign up for a yoga retreat in Costa Rica. And I said, well, you know what? Now I have money to do those things. And now I have the time, and I can make these things work for me. And I think that was kind of the start of Really getting to reclaim and and recreate what it is, who it is I was, and what I wanted out of life.
Leah Hadley [00:02:33]:
Oh, fantastic. I love that. And so today, we're talking all about managing stress through divorce, which as we talked about briefly, is a Huge topic, and there's a lot to it. So tell us a little bit about how stress negatively contributes to the divorce process.
Joy Bartholomew [00:02:53]:
Stress just takes such a huge bite out of your entire life. So now you add on the extra stress Of divorce and learning how to co parent, you add on the extra stress of being a single parent and having to navigate The uncertainty of finances, and it just really begins to overwhelm and overtake you. And it I see women a lot, and it's really sad they the uncertainty that they feel and the fear they feel, and that that they're just bogged down by that stress. So it really creates this place, Again, of that uncertainty and fear, and when you have that, you're you're making bad decisions. You're making decisions From this scarcity mindset, from this lack mindset, from this scratching to bring yourself up, And if you can reduce some of the stress, if you can bring that down into a normal level of stress, Which is still way too high. But when you can bring that down, all of a sudden, you're making better decisions for you, for your finances, for your kids, for your future, and the process really just opens up. It just gives you a lot more clarity on what it is you want. And for the divorce process, that's huge.
Joy Bartholomew [00:04:25]:
And when you bring down that stress on a personal level, All of a sudden, you breathe better. You can have just more awareness and more mindfulness and more space. Mine led me to my overwhelm led me to driving myself to the emergency room at 2 o'clock in the morning thinking I was having a Heart attack, and it was just reflux. Oh. But but what do we do as women? We sit there and WebMD at 2 AM and go, I think this is a heart attack. So it really has this body, mind, and spirit negativity that closes in on you when you're trying to make the biggest decisions that you need to make through this process.
Leah Hadley [00:05:09]:
So true. And it also has a huge impact on the way we interact with each other. Right? And so when you're already kind of feeling that stress, whether it's, you know, children that you have at home, you're more likely to Snap at them or just short with them. Certainly dealing with things with your spouse if you're trying
Joy Bartholomew [00:05:28]:
to figure out co parenting things. But even as you're trying to negotiate through the divorce, you know, everything is, like, bigger than life when you are feeling overwhelmed like that. Right? Completely. And and it's hard to separate some of those things out. And I always say people are at their worst When they're going through their divorce, I used to tell my mom all the time. She was like, how was your day at work? You know, when I was an early police officer, I'm like, ma, nobody ever calls us when things are good. Everybody always calls us when things are bad, and now you're just thrown into this time of when things are bad. Right.
Joy Bartholomew [00:06:06]:
And it's the same thing. You you like you're saying, you snap at your kids. You you don't interact well with your your ex, your co parent, whoever it is, Mhmm. And it makes it all that much worse.
Leah Hadley [00:06:19]:
Absolutely. So what are some natural ways that people can lower their stress?
Joy Bartholomew [00:06:25]:
There are so many good things that you can do at home, and I think a lot of women get overwhelmed when they hear self care. Right? It's not massages and manicures. Well, it can be. But so much of that stress reduction really starts with personal self care, and that's starting in the kitchen. That's starting with Healthy food and lots of water and kind of getting that under control. You know, I gotta say I relied a lot on wine and chocolate, and and they can be your friends, but it's it doesn't help bring down that stress. A lot of times, it's coming into places of just being kind to yourself, having grace for yourself, That gentle movement, yoga, Pilates, barre, not necessarily lifting heavy weights and going or running a marathon, But slowing down the pace, you have enough on your plate that is making you crazy. Slow it down, and I think that's hard for us women.
Joy Bartholomew [00:07:35]:
Sometimes it's hard for us moms. What do you mean to slow it down? And so taking care of ourselves is just allowing it to sit, allowing the feelings, Kind of those icky feelings to work through. So I always tell people this is the great time to journal And get the ickiness from inside out. Get it out on paper. Get it out. Type it out. However it is, just allow it to release. So there are all of these beautiful ways to reduce your stress through breath work, Tapping, you know, having those nice red light therapies, doing simple things for yourself, taking Taking a 10 minute walk.
Joy Bartholomew [00:08:23]:
You're getting stressed out? Stop sitting where you're sitting. Stop being rooted where you are. Get up. Take a walk. Allow the sunlight, the fresh air, morning and evening routines, Finding some really nice, bookends to your day, a nice habit forming where you start your day, a nice Habit forming way you end your day. There's gonna be crazy in the middle, but wait a minute. But wait a minute. You've got This grounding at the beginning and this grounding in the evening, it's going to help you deal with those Dresser's in the middle of the day, and it's gonna look different for everybody.
Joy Bartholomew [00:09:05]:
So what I love to say is bring something in that's body, mind, and spirit. You know, whether that's a meditation, a prayer, a devotional, in that spirit realm, if it's, In the body, if that's moving, eating, breath work, mind, it's that journaling. If you can work through maybe 1 thing each Today, pick your favorite in each category, and then you hang up. Well, you know what? Tomorrow, I wanna do something a little different. It doesn't have to look the same every day, and you get to explore a little bit and figure out what really connects with you Now with who you are now. Not who you were, but who you are now.
Leah Hadley [00:09:48]:
I love that. I love that it doesn't have to be super Hey, David. I know when I was going through my own divorce, I took more bubble baths that year than I have since probably I was 2 years old because because I just needed that time to, like, decompress, and my kids were still young, and it was just, like, my me time.
Joy Bartholomew [00:10:09]:
No kidding. And, you know, and and that helps, again, in so many other ways, you know, relaxing the body and the warm water and the scents and the All of the things. So, yeah, you certainly can add all kinds of amazing things into that self care routine.
Leah Hadley [00:10:26]:
Absolutely. Now I know that stress can have a huge impact on your sleep. Talk to us a little bit about that.
Joy Bartholomew [00:10:34]:
I love sleep. I love sleep too. I love sleep too. I love naps. In all forms, sleep is good. The, we were driving up here to for the holidays earlier to visit, and I was letting my son drive, and I was like, oh, let me see if I can sleep in the back seat of the car. Didn't really matter. I was like, let me get a a couple weeks in.
Joy Bartholomew [00:10:56]:
But I think a lot of women have problems getting to sleep and staying asleep When they're going through stressful times. So having an evening routine where you can Really learn to unplug where you can take an hour to Close out your day like we were talking about in that bookend. Close out that day and really allow yourself To work through, finding that natural sleep process. So I have a an acronym Sleeps. So she sleeps well because don't we all want to? So it's really leaning into Making your bedroom your sanctuary, limiting heavy foods, spicy foods, and alcohol before you go to bed, Essential oils and natural remedies, electronics, closing those down about an hour before you go to bed, being able to put aside negative thoughts, you know, journaling, getting out your Negativity, really bringing that peace into your evening meditations and being able to set a schedule Every night at 10 o'clock. Every night at, you know, a specific time, you start this process. And the problem is, what do we do on the weekends? Stay up late. We wanna sleep in, and that really messes with our natural rhythms or natural routines.
Joy Bartholomew [00:12:33]:
So whatever you do Sunday through Thursday, you need to do on Friday Saturday night as well and keep that same set sleep schedule. So going through this she sleeps well process can help you naturally fall asleep and stay asleep longer into the evening.
Leah Hadley [00:12:53]:
Oh, I love that. And, I have to say, I I made a new rule in our house. My kids were having a hard time sleeping for a little while, and so I said electronics have to be turned off an hour before bed now. And it was like magic. I mean, seriously, it was just like a couple of days and everybody was sleeping so much better. I couldn't believe how quickly it made an impact.
Joy Bartholomew [00:13:16]:
Yeah. My son was going through some issues when he went into high school. He transitioned to a private school, and I started noticing that he was having problems sleeping at night. So I started researching the the melatonin, the magnesium, the essential Oils, you know, bringing a diffuser into his room, doing the white noise, changing out his betting for something that was softer and more comfortable, getting rid of the clutter to make it more of a sanctuary. And What I found is that not only did it help him, but wait a minute. Now I started using the lavender, linen Gray in my room and pretty candles and all of those fluffy blankets and pillows, you know, that us women get Such grief for, right, when you have that bed full of extra pillows, but having some of those soft textures in there really did help in the sleep process.
Leah Hadley [00:14:12]:
That's fantastic. The other thing is I noticed and I didn't even think about this when Mhmm. Like, financially, it wasn't the best mistake, but at the time, I refurnished my whole bedroom when I went through my I just really wanted to, like, claim that space. But looking back on it, I think that's what I was doing. I was creating this sanctuary for myself Of, like, now this is my space, and I'm going to, you know, feel good in this space.
Joy Bartholomew [00:14:40]:
Exactly. And what that was as a shared space Has negative connotations to it most likely. So even if you can't afford the new furniture or the new mattress, because, dang, those are expensive, Getting some new blankets or getting some new lamps or putting up some pictures, like, just some different, You know, aesthetic pieces can definitely be a help there to reclaim it as your own, so I love that you were able to go through and do that.
Leah Hadley [00:15:09]:
Yeah. It really felt good. And even looking back on it, like, I know it really financially was not a good thing to do, but I did. I felt good. I felt better every time I walked And and it was no longer, like, our space. It was definitely mine, and that was so important to me. Mhmm.
Joy Bartholomew [00:15:23]:
And and I Talk to a lot of women who are on the fence. Do I keep the house? Do I not keep the house? And, you know, financially, you know, it's gonna be a hardship for me to keep it, but this is where the kids grew up, And this is where they have memories. Well, this is also where you have memories, and this is where those fights occurred, and this is where the drama was. And Sometimes it's a nice start for everybody to start in a new place. So sometimes we do have to upset that apple cart a little bit, Start fresh and realize that when you declutter, when you change things out, there's a breath of fresh air. Like, your eye just Seeing over a clean, clear surface, it doesn't have this when it's going on in your mind. It's not the ups and downs, And it gives you just a lot more peace of mind. So restarting, decluttering is huge in this process.
Leah Hadley [00:16:18]:
Absolutely. I had a client who, was in her her comarital home for probably about 3 or 4 years after the marriage, and she was just really having a hard time letting go of it. We talked about it, and, you know, financially, it wasn't the best place for her to be, but, you know, she was having a hard time letting go. And then I remember when she sold it and she bought her condo, and she was like a new woman, Joy. I'm not even kidding. Like, she was so excited To be owning this space and making it hers and really feeling like she was moving forward, her kids were already grown, so it was, you know, just her, and she just was Feeling so good making this change, and I just remember, like, seeing very visibly the change in her, and, Really recognizing what a difference it can make for people to be in a new environment. Mhmm.
Joy Bartholomew [00:17:08]:
We get stuck in those old ruts. We get stuck in those old habits, And sometimes it's really breaking free, and you you're kind of scared. Like, what's on the other side? And You get there and you're like, wow. I wish I would have done this years ago. I wish I would have made these changes a while back. And then when you do, it really does Lighten your spirit, lightens your heart, and really gives you a glimpse onto the other side. And What I love about that is that's 1 step. Well, maybe now I should change my job.
Joy Bartholomew [00:17:40]:
Maybe now I should start dating. Maybe now I should Travel and all of a sudden, you get to create this whole new world, and it really just started with that one small simple step. Right. And it gets you off on a really positive footing.
Leah Hadley [00:17:55]:
Absolutely. So how does poor sleep affect your stress when you're going through a divorce?
Joy Bartholomew [00:18:02]:
So sleep is is everything in in my world. It it really is the basis. If you wake up Tired if you're not getting just enough sleep or enough quality sleep? You really can have, I always call them the the 7 dwarfs of sleep. You know, Snow White had 7 little characters in her world, and we have 7 little characters in ours. So you are snarky, snacky, sleepy. You know, you're angry, frustrated, Scattered and foggy. You know, you can really have all of these components that will show up. So your your your fuse is probably about, a millimeter long, and somebody's gonna say something and you're gonna lose it.
Joy Bartholomew [00:18:49]:
Your kids are gonna turn around, you know, when's dinner? I don't know. When did you clean your room? All of these things are gonna manifest in your world, and then you're gonna kids are gonna go to bed, and you're gonna sit on the sofa with a bag of Oreos, you know, and a glass of wine and go, wow. Why can't I get to sleep? Why am I gaining weight? Why am I unhappy? Like, it manifests itself into this huge snowball effect. So if you can get to that core sleep pattern, your cortisol levels go down, your, Your your happiness comes up. Your anger can be diffused much more easily. Your weight will go down. All of a sudden, it gives you just a breath of life into your next day when you get the proper amount of sleep.
Leah Hadley [00:19:37]:
It's amazing. You know, it's something so simple that we all take for granted.
Joy Bartholomew [00:19:42]:
It is, but it it's Not something when when you're going through it, when you've got insomnia or you've got this worry that always keeps creeping up. Yeah. It it's rough, and you don't realize it until you get into a routine. You get on to the other side, and you're like, well, dang. I wish I would've Fix this so much earlier.
Leah Hadley [00:20:04]:
Mhmm. And you have a resource to help people with sleep. Right?
Joy Bartholomew [00:20:09]:
I do. I do. I have the she sleeps well, checklist, and it goes through each of those 6 components of the sleep process and, you know, talks into each one of those.
Leah Hadley [00:20:22]:
Fantastic. So I will be sure to include a link to that in the show notes so you all can take advantage of that. That sounds like a wonderful resource. And, Joy, tell us a little bit about how you work with people.
Joy Bartholomew [00:20:34]:
Sure. Of course. So I do divorce coaching, and I do 1 on 1 Coaching to really help women through this stage of divorce to get through it and heal through it as quickly as possible because there's so much Better on the other side once you can get past this upheaval in this upside down world that you're in right now. Once you can get past it and get into that recreation stage, it's so much better. So I work virtually with women Wherever they are, and, I do, packages session packages. So they just sign up, and we meet once a week, once every other week as their Schedule dictates and really help them with the divorce process, finding their clarity, co parenting, and really reclaiming themselves on the other side.
Leah Hadley [00:21:25]:
I think divorce coaching is such a valuable resource. And a lot of times people think, well, I'm already spending money on an attorney. Can I really afford to work with a divorce coach? And I'd just be curious, Joy. What do you tell people when they ask you that question?
Joy Bartholomew [00:21:41]:
You know, you're right because they're in a little bit of that uncertainty with their finances, and they're trying to Kind of sweep all the little pennies together and pull them out from the sofa cushions and under their the, seats in their cars. Right? Like, paying for things. But, really, it's an investing in yourself. It's investing in the process of divorce and of your yourself. And I try to explain to people that my goal is to help you save time, money, and emotional energy because your Divorce attorney is not your therapist, and the more time you spend with them talking about the problems with your ex, They're charging you by every little increment. That's not their job. In finance, you talk to them about their money, You know, but they not necessarily their co parenting issues. Right.
Joy Bartholomew [00:22:34]:
And so it gives them a place to go, an unbiased place to go that can help them through the process and move through more quickly.
Leah Hadley [00:22:43]:
And I really like that you said to look at it as an investment because I really do believe that as well. And it's an investment on multiple levels. Right? I mean, it's an investment in yourself absolutely during the process, but there is a very true, like, dollar ROI on that investment in my opinion, because you're able to reduce the time that you're spending with your attorney, that does reduce your legal expenses. Right? You have greater clarity around what you want the next phase of your life to look like, and so you're able to kinda fast track that Rather than being, you know, in this space of sort of unknown for many years, which a lot of us fumble around for years after a divorce trying to figure out, like, who who am I now? What is my life gonna look like? How am I gonna increase my income? Looking at all of these different things. Right? And so, you know, in terms of your emotional well-being, of course, seeing that return very quickly, but then also in how you're interacting with your ex, with your attorney developing the communication skills that are actually going to help you smooth out the process in so many ways, but then be able to communicate Going forward as well, you know, that's divorce coaches have so many skills that they can transfer through that process to really help in so many different ways.
Joy Bartholomew [00:23:59]:
Yeah. And that's really my goal is to help make that process much more efficient for them. And, like, let's get them to the good stuff. Let's put this let's put this phase, this 1 chapter behind you because there's so many other chapters in that book in front of you. Let's just close out this one, And let's do it as quickly as possible to get on to the good stuff.
Leah Hadley [00:24:23]:
So, Joy, where can people find you?
Joy Bartholomew [00:24:25]:
Sure. I can be found. My website was, divorce hyphen confidant.com. And I spend most of my time on Instagram, And that's divorce underscore confidant, and I get there most days.
Leah Hadley [00:24:40]:
And she has an awesome podcast. Yeah.
Joy Bartholomew [00:24:44]:
Yes. And you know what? It's branded the same, the divorce confidant podcast. You know? Like, just keep it simple. I love it.
Leah Hadley [00:24:53]:
So Joy has so many wonderful resources for her, for you. I encourage you all to connect and follow her. Lots of great resources on her podcast as Well, Joy, thank you so much for being here with us today. Any final words of wisdom that you have for our audience?
Joy Bartholomew [00:25:09]:
Oh, You know, I think that the biggest thing is just to remember that this is just a short phase. This is just a little pit stop In the rest of your life, just allow yourself to have grace With with who you are in this phase and really breathe and move through it and get to the other as quickly, efficiently, and just start that new phase on the other side.
Leah Hadley [00:25:39]:
Terrific. Again, thank you so much for your time and for being with us, and I will see you all soon. Thank you for joining me on intentional divorce insights. It's a privilege to share this time with you. I hope each episode offers valuable guidance to navigate your journey. If you find our content helpful, Please leave a review to help others discover the benefits of intentional decision making in divorce. Until next time, Take care and continue to embrace your path with intention.
